I've been reading about 'hitting rock bottom'. When something bad happens, or things don't go well with WAH, MIL says 'maybe this is his rock bottom'. (She is something like 22 years sober and an AA sponser...so she always tells me 'one day at a time'etc)
I feel my H has hit 'Rock Bottom'....a BUNCH of times!!
So...maybe rock bottom isn't like a sudden flash of lightning...but, a period of time??
It would help to know....maybe my H is in a bad place and not just a complete selfish, irresponsible, immature.........good look guy.
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
"So .. maybe rock bottom isn't like a sudden flash of lightning ...but a period of time??"
I think so, Sophie. My H began hitting bottom in January 2007. It was an intense period of late-night "breakdowns" on the phone. It was off and on for over a month, then he retreated again.
He hit again a few times over the next several months, though less intensely, but retreated each time. In my H's case, it was a series of hits and now he seems to be much more like his old self. He's not that selfish, irresponsible, immature person anymore .. at least not like he was, lol!
I guess he really hasn't hit rock bottom...I just figured with things that have happened and the depression he has been in and out of, that....well....it would have been a very low point for ME....
It scares me and deters me to think ...how bad does it have to get?
My brother took his life. So...I think about that. My H told me he has been thinking a lot about my brother lately. I never asked 'why?' ...other than things they have in common.
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
Like BND says, it's different for everyone, so I can only relate what my H went through.
I don't believe that my H is completely out of his cave yet. However, he is a much improved version of the MLC madman that he was for 2-1/2 years.
His first "hit bottom" call broke a 5 month period of no contact between us. It was very late at night. He couldn't talk. I knew he was crying. The next several calls were also late at night, and he expressed deep remorse for what he had done to me and the kids. He said he wanted to die, didn't deserve to live. I was very concerned that he might take his life, and I did a lot of praying during that period of time.
During his times of distance, I felt he did a lot of thinking. I don't think he liked the "new" self that he had become, and he punished himself by doing a lot of drinking. He drank to forget what he had done. He got two DUIs during one particularly bad week.
Now he has quit drinking. He's more like his old self. He's getting there, but not out of the woods yet. It can be a long process.
My H has not shown such remorse...when in a heated discussion, he blurts 'Of course I feel bad, sometimes I can't function becasue of the pain I've caused!'
But, nothing changes.
It must have been something...for your H to reach out and to express his regrets so deeply! My H has said he doesn't deserve to be here....and of course, that I deserve better.
I know my H drinks to forget...or to not feel. My H is VERY lucky he has never had a DUI...really lucky.
Your story inspires me, I hope that doesn't sound bad....maybe I should keep my cell phone on at night!
Does your H never drink? Or does he drink responsibly now?
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
I haven't caught up with your thread yet, but I will as soon as I can.
My H's MLC began in 2004 when he started an affair with a woman 26 years his junior. I found out about the affair in July 2005. That's when we separated, he started drinking heavily and became a man I didn't know (and didn't want to know).
He didn't show any true remorse until January 2007. Up until that time, he was like your H in that he would make the occasional remark about his terrible behavior -- but showed no real remorse.
He doesn't drink anymore. He lost 3 jobs because of his drinking and lots of related legal problems that I won't get into here. He had to learn the hard way. Hopefully your H won't be as reckless as mine.
I feel my H has hit 'Rock Bottom'....a BUNCH of times!!
Having been around some druggies, some clean up for good, others keep the cycle of a poor life style going. Unfortunately, I know cases where rock bottom was death. One was someone who stopped using for years. Another was a woman in her late 20s who was smokin' hot.
On the flip side, there are people who realize their mistakes and truly change. As BND said it is different for everyone. Sadly, some never hit it.
