Thank you so much for thinking of me. Your ideas/opinions are always valuable to me.
I think you are right about inviting him out with the kids. I do think it is a good idea.
I will work up the nerve to do this. A little bit more rejection will not kill me.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
You inviting him might just knock him on his a** out out suprise. It's ok if he says NO. Try again another day. Many times I invited h and he said NO and even was a NO SHOW NO CALL at times. Let it go if that happens.
I didn't give up and today we do many things together as a family and even sneek in a date day now and then.
Give it a try, what do you REALLY have to loose.
Timing has to be right and NO hard feelings if he says NO. Just say ok another time.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Although we never got D'd we did come within days of it...and filed a second time before we reconciled...
My H had to hit bottom...the only way I got him help was when he got stinking drunk and depressed...I called 911 and had him taken to a hospital and the doctors and nurses talked to him...it took a bit to sink in...but he did go for help...not a counselor or psychologist...but an actual psychiatrist who could prescribe meds...then refer him to a psychologist...
I am happy to report now that my H is doing very well...he still battles the depression but he talks to me...he is willing to go in for help when he needs it...he knows what it feels like to feel happy and have meds that work and what it feels like when they don't...he knows it is up to him to take care of his mental and physical health...he will call the doctor when he needs to...he talks to me also...
Sometimes reaching out at the low point you can grab their hand...but I would caution about trying to do "too much" for them...then you start stepping into a "mommy" role and that is not good...
It is a hard balance...encouraging relaxed family time is really good...expressing concern but not focusing too much on it...find what works...
You inviting him might just knock him on his a** out out suprise. It's ok if he says NO. Try again another day. Many times I invited h and he said NO and even was a NO SHOW NO CALL at times. Let it go if that happens.
The last time H went out to dinner with us was exactly a year ago for S5's birthday. We asked him 3 times over the next few months after that and were rejected each time. I let it go and didn't ask him again until yesterday to join us again for S5's birthday dinner tomorrow night. He accepted.
I really don't think it means much for our R, but I know for sure that S5 will be thrilled.
You are right IMLin about the not doing too much, but there is nothing wrong with being a friend. A friend means support when you are down, giving encourgement, doing things toghether on occasion. How do you reconnect without being a friend first?
The WAS needs to feel it is safe to come home and not feel rejected if they did want to try to open that door again.
Still hoping it's not about the R, it's about family time and being a friend. If you have the expecatation that this will lead them home or you are now going to have a R, then you have it all wrong. Ask yourself, wouldn't life be better if you are friends with h rather than fighting or have feelings that we can't even talk about the kids without getting our emotions out of wack. Just some thoughts!
Maybe just maybe down the road they may want it to work.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Today is my 18 month mark..... never thought I would make it.
How have things changed? Ex appears much less angry and more depressed/withdrawn. I do not pursue His interactions with the kids is more positive and loving I have GAL I have more compassion for him I have told him I have forgiven him and OW He seems to miss the family life
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
T, I see your H has actually been gone long than mine, although I would still say that mine headed into the tunnel around the same time.
Just find a way to do it super casually--like "We're going to be in your neck of the woods eating out, if you want to join us it might be easier than driving over," or something like that.
Did things get worse for you around the D filing?
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
100 times worse. It was the worst part of the journey for me. My ex was so hostile, and competitive. He just wanted to "win". He sooned realized that there are no winners in a divorce.
He would use delay tactics and then blame the delay on me. He would try constantly to justify his relationship with OW to my kids. He constantly threatened me about what he would be taking out of the house. I just had to set clear boundaries and stand my ground.
I made it through. I think he has forgotten most of what he put me through.
My saving grace at this 18 month mark is that he is getting more "normal", not as nasty.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
