Rained here on Monday, so didn't go see the fireworks. D15 wasn't feeling well anyway, so we just stayed home and watched a movie. S20 was at work. So, that was our Victoria Day!
I have a temp job this week and next, so have something to occupy my time. H is home tomorrow night, and it's a public holiday in the USA next Monday (I believe), so he's home then.
No changes in our R ... I have avoided anymore 'confrontations' on the phone, and will do the same in person. I need to detach, and get myself back to a calm place.
Tomorrow our D20 and S20 turn 21. Wow! Where does the time fly???? Where are my cute, li'l twins that I had to chase after (especially the boy). They were so cute, and so busy, and full of energy. Still are, but in a different way. My S20 has turned into a good man, although in a place of where he is unsure what career to follow. I am sure he will find his way. My D20 is a mom, and is busy, but trying to study online. So difficult when you have a small baby.
Well, that's where things are now. I'm off to courier my D20's gift to her. Take care, y'all!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Busy creating an aerobics routine, and going through some music, and I rediscovered Bad Company. I love this song (note the highlighted verse ... I think it's so pertinent to life, and R's):
Ready for Love Walkin' down this rocky road Wondering where my life is leadin' Rollin' on to the bitter end Finding out along the way What it takes to keep love living You should know how it feels, my friend
Ooh, I want you to stay Ooh, I want you today
I'm ready for love Oh baby, I'm ready for love Ready for love Oh baby, I'm ready for love
Now I'm on my feet again Better things are bound to happen All my dues surely must be paid Many miles and many tears Times were hard but now they're changing You should know that I'm not afraid
Ooh, I want you to stay Ooh, I want you today
I'm ready for love Oh baby, I'm ready for love I'm ready for love Oh baby, I'm ready for love Oh, for your love
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Being Me, I know you're out there somewhere...and I know you like quotes so here's one that I just came across and thought you might like: "Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will be all of these." Lloyd Sheerer
Yep, I'm still around! Thanks for that quote ... it is so true!
I don't have much to report on my M. I have no idea what my H is thinking, or not thinking. I don't know if he's involved with someone else (he certainly has the freedom to be so, since he is working on a project a long way from home), and I only see him on weekends. It's the same ol', same ol'! I think I will end my life in celibacy. I have come to terms with it. My H doesn't seem to be romantically interested in me, although when I bring it up, he denies that. But, actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words, as far as I'm concerned.
I have no inclination to snoop or find out. It doesn't matter. There will come a day, I think, when I will decide it's over, and I will move on. Just waiting for D15 to finish school, and then I will revisit my options.
In the meantime, I am planning on going back to school full-time, and hoping I can have a career where I can support myself. At least, with as little support from my H as possible, and then only what is fair, and legally mine.
It is so strange, this weird place in our M, we find ourselves. We do have fun (apparently, that's one of the things he really likes about me, and even told that to his OW ... gee, thanks H). He just bought himself a new motor bike (I suggested it, because I felt he needed something for all the hard work he does, supporting his family). Anyway, we took the bike over to the mainland to meet up with my BIL and SIL (my H's brother), as they were attending a conference. We slept overnight. So, you would all think (and, so did I) that this would be a great opportunity for him to get romantic, even if it doesn't get physical (and, I am more interested in the romance, but the rest would be nice too). But, no, nothing, nada, zilch, niks, zero!!!! I will now stop expecting anything from him in that department.
Well, this is getting into the land of novels, so I'll call it a night. Hope y'all find what you're looking for.
Wii .... sounds like you're having 'fun' with the ladies! I don't even want to think what it will be like, out there, on my own, interacting with other men. The thought gives me the shivers. Love ya guys, but I just don't have the fortitude to even think about getting to know another one romantically. Maybe, 'cause I just don't have the self confidence anymore. I dunno.
Anyway, g'night!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Got back from Portland, OR, after visiting with H. D15 came with, and it was fun. Took a drive up to The Dalles, stopped over at Hood River, the falls, then dinner at Red Robin. Mmmm! Did the Science Centre, Powell's Bookstore, and a lovely drive along the Skyline. It was so hot on Saturday and there was a thunderstorm on Sunday! Wow! D15 and I drove back yesterday, and tomorrow she leaves for YW camp.
H seemed a bit distracted, but that's not unusual. He thanked me for tidying up the hotel room after we left, which is unusual (rarely thanks, or notices if I do stuff like that). I still don't know what I'm going to do. I think H thinks that once I'm attending classes in the fall, then I will be more content to let things ride, 'cause I'll have something to keep me occupied. He hasn't said it out loud, but I get that feeling with little hints he gives, and how he responds to my saying, "I am so excited about getting my degree, eventually".
Anyway, there is still no romance. I feel like we are just friends who share finances, and children. This is not the kind of M I envisioned, and I am still not sure how I am going to effect any change, except within myself, and that's an ongoing process.
The weather has been hot here, and it is nice to see the sun again. My garden is starting to look like something ... need to do more weeding though (I am a complete novice gardner, so I do get very excited when something 'takes'). I recently bought and released a bag of ladybugs into the garden and it was a thrill to see them settle in. I haven't seen many lately, but I assume they are finding shade. I have tried to plant flowers that they enjoy, hoping to keep them in my garden.
I will do something for myself while D15 is away at camp (GAL activity), although S21 is home, so we can do a fun activity if he's not working. I also have to prepare to write the fitness certification exam ASAP, and I will be giving aerobics classes at church from mid-September. D21 is coming to visit at the end of the month, with my baby grand-daughter. Yay! I also want to find a way to see my D28 this summer, but she is a long way away, and not sure if I'm going to be able to pull it off.
So! No real change in my sitch. At least, I have classes to look forward to in the fall, and many summer activities. I am just a little nervous, that I am just settling for less, and not fighting for want I want re my M, but not sure what more I can do. I find it pointless trying what has already been tried (with little positive results), and can't think of anything new, and quite frankly, am not really that motivated anymore. If the M ends, it ends. Nothing I can do about it anymore. I am scared that I am vulnerable to having an A myself, so I make sure I don't talk to anyone of the opposite sex, or try not to think about what I am missing as far as my emotional and physical needs being met.
This all sounds sad, and boring, but I am actually pretty happy with myself, and the choices I have made. I am living a good life where my interests are concerned, and love spending time with my children. I live in a beautiful part of the world. I have a roof over my head (and my children's heads), food on the table, and enough money to do quite a lot of stuff. I am starting to meet new people, and make new friends (female, of course). I am comfortable. There is no excitement (except for going back to school), but life isn't always about that, and I will find a way to accept this until I feel the time is right to let the M go, or H decides it's time. Whatever!
Hope y'all have a lovely summer.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi, Just stopping in to introduce myself to you. I read one of your responses to Hoosiermama and hadn't wanted to hijack her thread. When you mentioned to her that you had been satisfied allowing your H to do the repairs around the house it really resonated with me. In my case, I thought it was good teamwork for H and I to do those things which we could each do well rather than struggling at something the other could do with ease.
I'm happy that your H is in the picture, but, not in the way that you'd prefer. I haven't read your entire story but it's kind of distressing that you are thinking you will be celibate for the rest of your life. (I am at that point because I can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else, and H doesn't want to be with me.)
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
I'm sorry things are at a standstill for you. Have been doing some reading lately, trying to get my mind in shape for what is to come. You could say that I have dropped the rope, quite a bit. W seems to be progressing further into her "own life".
The younger kids are getting very scared any time I go out of town. After I announced an upcoming trip recently, you would have thought I was being sent to the middle east. All though this is not where you want your marriage to be, at least you can enjoy your kids, choose to improve yourself personally and be involved with your kids day to day lives. When you got the big D looming over your head day after day, it makes it hard to stay positive.
I'm glad you had a good time down here in Portland. I like a lot of that town. Let me say I am proud of how you are making sure not to put yourself in possible sitches that could lead in the wrong direction. That has been my approach also. I don't want to cause more problems in this whole sitch.
Thanks for the visit, I'mstillhopeful and Phoenix.
With regards to the kids --- I guess I'm lucky in that my D15 would stay with me if I do get divorced. My S21 is thinking of joining the navy, so he will likely be leaving home within the next year, but I am sure he would stay with me too. So, I don't have small kids to worry about, which is fortunate. I am also lucky that I dropped the rope a long time ago --- no expectations of H anymore. I kept hoping that he will step up, but that hope is long gone. I would be extremely surprised if he suddenly became romantic, and showed a deeper, more intimate interest in me. I think I would be suspicious at this point, and would wonder at what was motivating him. This is why I am nervous of any attention from men --- I am scared I will be so grateful for the attention, I'll fall into an A, such has happened in so many cases. I have warned H many times about how I am feeling, but have stopped now, and will not do so again. It all falls on deaf ears, and quite frankly, I think he thinks I am just being silly, and impatient. He just doesn't take me seriously. However, I know that once I decide to leave, there will be no going back. It will be over!
No, I think this is as far as he's going to take it. I will either stay, and swallow what he's willing to give, or leave, and find a new life for myself. Either will be fine with me. As for being celibate --- who knows if that will remain the case forever, but at this point in time, I can't imagine being with anyone else either. I wish I could, but there it is. I am a one-man woman --- once I fall in love, I stay in love, unless something really drastic happens.
Oh well!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Being me, when we are discouraged it's because what we are doing is not working. It's good that you've stopped telling him how unhappy you are, more of the same never goes anywhere. What 180's have you done lately? Any GAL activities on the go? We all need to drop the rope sometimes and get a fresh perspective on things but then we pick it back up and keep on keepin' on. You are indeed an incredibly loyal person and deserve great respect from all of us for your diligence and ability to hang in there. I think I may have mentioned once before a book called "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It", it might be worth a read and it's also Michelle approved! Btw, I believe the Buddhists would say "abandon all hope" as hope keeps us tied into what's missing rather than what is there. Tonight, while walking through the park, I made a list in my head of all the wonderful things I have in my life rather than focusing on what is not there, that being a romantic R. I have so many amazing, wonderful things to be thankful for and I can bet so do you! Hang in there and, if all else fails, resort to kicking ass and taking names!
