"I thought we had made a non-verbal agreement to just live this way and was OK with it, apparently he felt rejected and was starting to hate me."

Communication within a marriage is vital - it confronts problems and creates intimacy.

"About a year ago my H had an affair and said it was only for the sex since he wasn't getting any at home. I have a hard time believing that purely lack of sex will drive a man to cheat."

Do you think you two would have ever have got married if there was "purely a lack of sex" in your relationship?

"I cannot get over his lying to me and feel that a sexless marriage is just his excuse."

Not an excuse - a reason. But that doesn't make it right.

"I believe he has a lack of morals and immaturity to go outside the marriage and then blame it on me without discussing it maturely."

I totally agree.

"My H says he is very sorry..."

Now that you have confronted and are dealing with the SSM issue, he in turn must promise there will be no more infidelity.

"...and deeply wants to work on marriage and strangely our sex life is now better than ever. I think we have both awakened to our sexuality again..."

Good - work separately and together to keep it alive. Its a core strand of a healthy marriage, not just an optional extra.

"...but I just can't help to see him as a sick perverted person now who is obsessed with other women."

No - a man's sex drive is an integral part of his personality. Sexual attraction is entirely natural but has to be channelled. He had no channel for years. But he was weak and dishonest to have an affair instead of discussing the SSM with you. It sounds like you are still angry? Do you have your own issues about sex? Did he ever try and discuss your SSM with you? (I find it very hard to believe he never tried.) What was your response?

"The way he acted and the language he used are so unlike anything I have ever known from him (20+) years."

What do you mean exactly?

"I am curious to know how men really feel when they are rejected and does it really make them so desperate that they are willing to give up your wife and children just to have sex???????????"

Is a warm, relaxing, scented, candle-lit bath after a long, hard, stressful day "just a wash"?

Is a conversation and glass of wine with your husband in front of a roaring fire "just a chat"?

You are getting some very good advice from the other posters.

S&A


"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.

Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.