He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[No Longer BH]

I really need some advice here as to what to do. I know from reading all of the post that I HAVE to stop persuing him. I know it does not work. I was wondering if I should send this email or not:

Dear H,

I want to tell you about my day yesterday because I think it is very relevant to both of us. First, S and I went out on the boat with my family. As the sun was shining on my face and the wind was blowing in my hair, I noticed a small smile creep out. After an hour of being in "the moment" a small storm blew upon us. We began to race back to the dock in the pouring rain. The next thing I know I am laughing out loud with pure joy. Once we were in the truck driving back to the house, I started to observe my B and SIL. She was nagging and complaining and being down right grumpy. I thought is was sad that she too could not have just enjoyed the moment. Later on in the evening, SIL and I went to Murray's (a local jazz club) with some of her friends. I have to admit that at first I did not want to go. You know, I'm glad I did. While there I met a very nice gentleman who owns a mid size archetichural firm here. We started to talk and he bought me drinks, and the next thing I know they are shutting down the bar. As we departed he handed me a card with his number and asked me to call him sometime.

Now, I am telling these things to you because I want you to know what they meant for me. First, you have not taken my ability to feel joy away. Even though you have hurt me deeply, I now know that I can still smile. Seond, I was a great wife. Yes, I made many mistakes, but everyone does. I loved you deeply and wanted to make you happy. I was not the controlling nag that so many women turn into. Finally, I got my confidence back. For so long I did not feel preety enough, thin enough or good enough. I now know that I am a catch. I will not end up alone because I am also a very loving person. The number of friends and the depth of those friendships show me that.

So what does this mean? It means that I am letting you go. I am no longer going to try and and "win" you back. That is beneith me. Instead I am going to keep moving forward focusing on my life. If one day you can reconize that what we had was good and want to work on it, then give me a call. Otherwise feel free to live however you want because that is what I am going to do.


--What do you think? Please respond someone.

[Sara]

BH,

I have only read that letter so far, not your whole thread. I will respond now about the letter, and then go back and read more.

I like it. You talk about yourself, not him. You don't accuse him of anything, or call him names. You are optimistic about your future. You are self-confident, not needy. My only caveat to to be sure that you can really live by those words. Once you say them, you will be expected to stand by them. I see you just found out about his OW. Are you really ready to let him go?

[No Longer BH]

Sara,

Yes, I am. I dont want our M to end but realize that I am only responsible for my happiness and must let him go. I hope from the bottom of my heart that he will wake up one day and realize what he has lost, but know that by persuing him I am keeping him from that possible realization. He may never come to it, and I have to be ok with that. That does not mean it hurts any less, but learning to detach will hopefully help with that. I can see that each time I reach out to him to try and "win" him back, I just end up hurting myself more. I need to focus on healing now, not him.

[Sara]

Now, I am telling these things to you because I want you to know what they meant for me. First, you have not taken my ability to feel joy away. Even though you have hurt me deeply, I now know that I can still smile.

OK, I take it back. Here you are saying things about him. Find a way to change it so you only talk about yourself. For example, "First, I still have the ability to feel joy. Even though I feel that I have been deeply hurt, I now know that I can still smile." See the difference? You don't accuse him, but you still say the same thing.

Also, when you say that it is beneath you to try to win him back. I would omit that line, it is insulting to say that it is beneath you. Just say, "I will not try to win you back." No value judgements.

Having read your thread, you are coming to this very quickly. Most people take months to get where you say you are. Don't rush yourself. If you are not ready to cut him free and watch him go gaga over OW, hold onto the letter. On the other hand, if you are ready to give the architect a call and move on with your life, then go ahead and send the letter. It is fair warning. More than you got.

[No Longer BH]

Thank you so much for the advice. I agree with the changes. I have been going through him leaving me for a long time now. He moved out once before at Christmas time only to come back a few weeks later. Once he was back it did not take long before he was looking for a way out. I have suspected OW since Oct of last year, have had some proff of it at one point, but just got the comgirmation. So even though it seems quick, this has been a long process. I have done everything that I was not suppose to do...beg,pleaded, cry, and then finally I GAL. I started to do good, then great. His admittance knocked me down, but I know that it is a bandaid to what is really going on with him inside his head. I cant fix him and ever time I try he just moves further away. Like I said, I am open for reconsiliation, but need him to see that I am done trying to get him back. Either it wakes him up or it does not. I am not doing it for him, but to heal my wounds with out the chaos he brings.

At least that is how I feel today.

[sgctxok]

Hi broken,

That's a great letter. I think it will be MOST effective if you live it without sending it.


peace,
sg

[No Longer BH]

sgctxok,

You think I would be better served just having NC from here on out? Friday I had a lapse in judgement and sent him an email asking to please try MC one more time. He replied that he would think about it and let me know later. I wanted to send the letter so that he knows I am no longer trying to persue that path, I am just GAL. Maybe it would seem to him that I'm playing games (I'm not). But what does it matter at this point what he thinks? I just wanted him to know the door was open, but I'm moving on.

Maybe you are right, the best course is to live it. Which I firmly intend to do.

[Florie]

I have had several lapses in judgement with dramatic emails, conversations etc. so don't feel bad. I try to question and re-question myself before doing those things, it's just that sane me doesn't always win out :o) The good news is you can always do things differently when you have what you later feel was a slip ups (I know I have changed things up many times!)

I try to think how he sees things (which given what I like to refer to as his temporary insanity is easier said than done!).
Anyway, I read somewhere that as long as they are still getting the emails etc., they have not lost you. You are being forced to get over losing him but for him he knows he still has you and has not lost you at all. Once you take away the reassurances (in the form of emails etc.), and only then can he start questioning that...wondering what you are doing, wondering if you still care about him etc. Our problem is that there is a part of us that wonders if he will wonder or care or will he just enjoy his freedom. I am so hurt by my H's OW/MLC/etc. that I don't even know how we would begin to work on us at this point, so I decided that letting him go was really the only option. He can have what he wants and figure out if it is truly what makes him happy or not and he can wonder about me because I am not reporting anything back. It is hard when something happens that I would usually tell him right away, but I am keeping it to myself. He is acting in a way so as not to give me any hope and I can do the same, because honestly I don't know at this point if there would be any hope for him with me even if he ook it all back today. It has let me do a little better with the focusing on me and trying to get on with it. Sorry for the rambling and good luck!

[Florie]

I have had several lapses in judgement with dramatic emails, conversations etc. so don't feel bad. I try to question and re-question myself before doing those things, it's just that sane me doesn't always win out :o) The good news is you can always do things differently when you have what you later feel was a slip ups (I know I have changed things up many times!)

I try to think how he sees things (which given what I like to refer to as his temporary insanity is easier said than done!).
Anyway, I read somewhere that as long as they are still getting the emails etc., they have not lost you. You are being forced to get over losing him but for him he knows he still has you and has not lost you at all. Once you take away the reassurances (in the form of emails etc.), and only then can he start questioning that...wondering what you are doing, wondering if you still care about him etc. Our problem is that there is a part of us that wonders if he will wonder or care or will he just enjoy his freedom. I am so hurt by my H's OW/MLC/etc. that I don't even know how we would begin to work on us at this point, so I decided that letting him go was really the only option. He can have what he wants and figure out if it is truly what makes him happy or not and he can wonder about me because I am not reporting anything back. It is hard when something happens that I would usually tell him right away, but I am keeping it to myself. He is acting in a way so as not to give me any hope and I can do the same, because honestly I don't know at this point if there would be any hope for him with me even if he ook it all back today. It has let me do a little better with the focusing on me and trying to get on with it. Sorry for the rambling and good luck!

[imLIN]

DON'T SEND THAT LETTER...

I will have time later to explain my reasoning...

And yes, my H had an OW...he was prepared to marry her...she was the perfect woman!!!...not to mention younger, thinner, and in my eyes...prettier....things are different now...she is now only younger!

Lin