Sorry to hear you are having such a frustrating time. From what I have read on others' threads this seems to be entirely normal when a spouse moves back in.
As for letting your spouse know what YOUR LL is - I haven't found a way to do that (yet). Maybe when she does something that makes you feel her love for you - let her know how good that makes you feel.
On the other hand, for now, if you can see her showing love for you in HER LL then at least you know she cares but just isn't bi-lingual yet
Anyway, hope you can find the continued strength to get through this stage of piecing.
Hi Lee, I know you're probably getting sick with hearing it over and over, but you're gonna hear it hundreds of times more ... patience ... patience ... patience ... patience ...
Your W is still trying to get comfortable again expressing herself in her own language. Its gonna take some time for her jitters to leave her system. Please try to let things move at her pace for a while. I, too, had thought that now while we are piecing, I can start asking for what I want as Michelle describes in her book. I expressed, my W did some of it because she felt obliged, afterall it part of working on us, but didn't really want to. After a while it turn into another burden of "piecing" which she started doing less and less and then I became more frustrated as I held onto I'm doing for you, but your not doing for me (scorecard) mentallity.
I think its more useful to use the LL's to understand and appreciate how she is expressing herself is one the same level of importance as how you would like to receive her love. lostlove has a few threads where she has struggled with this. A technique that seems to help is write three positive things a day, to help you see the ways in which she is speaking a LL that you may have overlooked before and to recognize her efforts and understand they are just as noble as the ways you are wishing for.
I don't know if this will help, but I'm gonna go back to my puzzle analogy. Generally, the picture on the puzzle has a couple of unique reference points in the midst of a non-descript background. For instance, lets say its a backyard with a gazebo in one part of the picture and a BBQ pit in another and the rest is lawn. The pieces of the puzzle your W is attracted to working on is what she is familar with ... say the gazebo representing her LL. Yours is the BBQ pit. She needs to work on what she is familar with in order to feel like she is making progress in building this puzzle. You have a choice, you sit there and concentrate on your BBQ pit or help contribute some pieces to her gazebo to show you appreciate what she has worked on so far. Then you can find some of those lawn piecs adjacent to her gazebo that head in the direction of your BBQ pit and she will more likely help you with that and fitting your pit into the picture. Get my gist?...
I'm slowly figuring out what I need from H and I have told him one small part of what I need. I like when he calls me from work to just say hi. I told him this: It means a lot that you take time from your busy day to call me. It is the only thing I have said and he is now making an effort to do it.
So, there is the part of DR that says, just ask for what you want. I would take just one small thing, something she maybe does already, just not as much as you need, as tell her how much it means to you. And then monitor results.
Yeah I see exaclty what you are talking about. For the last couple of days that is what I have been doing. Is realizing what she is doing and that is showing how much she really does love me. Heck she calls me all the time, some days when she comes to bed she will talk to me, and even better days she will cuddle up with me. So what im trying to do is speak her LL without expecting anything back. Last night it seemed to really pay off if you know what I mean . So me realizing that it will be a lot slower that I had planned will be ok. I just have to have patience.
Jackie,
I am actually going to try that. Being as my LL is touch I think im going to let her know that when she grabs my hand as we are walking some place or sitting some place REALLY means a lot to me. I think holding hands is a very small thing so I think that is doable.
Well I had a pretty good week end. It seems as though my W is starting to come around a little bit more. She has actually been talking about having a baby and stuff. Im thinking about this I am not totally sure about it.
Anyway on sunday I kind of popped a R talk. Got the guts up and just went for it. I asked her what 4 things make her feel loved by me. I think it caught her off gaurd a little bit. She said when you say I love you I know you love me. When I ask for something and you just jump and get it it shows me that you love me. She also said you keeping your job shows me that you love me. Right now those are the only 3 that I can think of. From what I remeber though she was all over the chart. Im really not sure how to take these things.
Then she asked me what are my 4 things I told her that getting hugs, and kisses and touching and that kind of things show me that you are loving me. Then she said how can someone like me who has body issues and anxiety issues be doing these kind of things. Then she said that How can she also keep up with that with some one who is so needy 75% of the time. That one really stung. She said that she is really not that needy and just knows that she is loved.
Then I asked her what happened back then and why she freaked out then. She talked about how she saw other people going out with there H, having fun and seeing people who were divorced and haveing fun. She also had just lost 50 lbs and that she realized that she could meet other people and so on so forth. I find this intersting being on saturday she told me that all of those people that she was hanging out with were losers and anybody who hangs at the clubs all the time are losers and such.
She then told me how all of my issues and such are so tough that me needing touch is so hard. I just thought all my issues. I cant believe that she is in so much denial about what she is doing and thinking. I really think she needs to get to a doctor about her anxiety and body issues because as I see it now she isnt moving forward.
I dont believe that our marriage can move forward with out her getting some help. During our convo I just listened and validated her feelings. I didnt just yell HELLO lady I am the one who needs help? What the hell are you thinking. But I didnt I kept my cool and just validated.
So that was my convo I hope it wasnt to confusing any hope you all had a good weekend.
Do you think she would go to MC with you? The C might be able to help her with her issues also... just a thought and that way you don't have to ask her to get help and risk ticking her off.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Lee - Have you read the Five Love Languages by Chapman? This would be a good book to discuss with your W. She doesn;t even have to read it, you can explain the concepts and read her excerpts. My H's big language is quality time, and I used to see that as "needy" because it's not high on my list. Now I see it as just his language.
From your conversations, sounds like maybe HER languages are words of affirmation and act of service (telling her you love her, and maintaining the family through your job). And yours is obviously physical touch (mine too!). Reading this book with her might help you to see how better to meet her needs, and might help her understand how to meet your. It might also help if you can clarify to her that your desire for touch (hugs, handholding, etc.) is not always a demand for sex.
As for the baby thing - tread lightly. I totally understand your hesitancy. But be careful not to seem as if you are rejecting the idea, or her. Just try to put in the nicest possible terms that you really want that too, but want your R to be stronger first so that this baby will be assured of a loving two-parent home.
I will tell you that at first I thought that her LL was Quality time. She really seems to like that. With the baby thing I really think that is very far down the road. My W is a procrastonator and is very slow about doing anything. Heck we have had a GYM membership for a month now and she has used it once. So I would think a baby would be a lot longer than that. The wierd thing now is her saying that I am needy for these things is she might be right but you know what I realize that if we cant figure this out. That down the road I will be ok. I have come to terms with things. Im hoping that she will come around.
Ellie, I would like to talk to her about the 5 LL book but right now I dont think she would be receptive to it. She is of the opnion that how could that help. I am going to keep that option open though.
Quote: I would like to talk to her about the 5 LL book but right now I dont think she would be receptive to it. She is of the opnion that how could that help. I am going to keep that option open though.
in a way you have already started to talk to her about the book without talking about "the book". you asked how she felt loved and she asked how you felt loved.
my is not one to read books...and honestly isn't much interested in them..he's of the school that it'll mean more if he figures it out himself rather than reading it in a book..and yes I can see some sense in that thinking...I however am the book reader...I'll admit I haven't read my whole copy of the 5ll's but I think I've managed to figure out mine and h's.
a while back in a conversation (ok in more than one conversation) I mentioned the "concept" of ll's to him..using his and my ll's as examples...at first I thought it went over his head...and sure I got some of the old "that's just the way I am" kinda talk, wich relates to your w's saying that it's hard for her to show you in your ll.
but ya know what?! the more I speak h's lang...the more open he is to letting me speak my own (physical touch) the more I thank him when he speaks his lang..the more he tries to speak mine (qt)
so then...it really isn't all that necessary for w to read the book or even know the title...simply continuing to learn yourself about the ll's and discovering her's and hearing and appreciating when she "speaks" it...may motivate her more to accept yours and speak it in return.
That is a good point im trying to do those things now. It seemed to have worked over the last couple of days. Except for the intimacy part. Which is much needed.
Back to our Convo. I just remebered something. We got on the point of why she did what she did. She said that she knew that she was loved. She said she saw all these people that were married and divorced having fun. Going out to the clubs and stuff. I was and am really not super into it. I enjoy going out once in a while. Before the bomb I wouldnt have gone with her there. She said that she did all this more or less to prove a point, that she was going to go out and do what she wanted no matter what or who said anything to her. She has kind of done this before in our R just not to this extent before.
Im now thinking though that I cant keep being there for her when ever she feels that she needs to freak out and be different. Pull away from me and supposedly be herself. Now I basically let her do her own thing. I have come to the conclusion that she has to learn these things for herself. I also feel that if this happens again that I will not wait around for her to decide that I am again a good person. Im not saying that it will ever happen again. I am hoping that it doesnt happen again. I have learned that there are a lot of other women that would really like me for me type of a thing and im strong enough to not be married but really want to stay married. This is kind of a nice place to be.
... patience ... patience ... patience ... patience ... 
. So me realizing that it will be a lot slower that I had planned will be ok. I just have to have patience. 