Trying to figure out WAW

[Flipper]

Sandi,

Of course I hate to think about there being OM. There always could be I guess. It's a small town and no one seems to suspect this but who knows. Barring any real intel, I must have faith that she is being honest about that. Otherwise, it's crazy-making for me.

Regarding the sudden onset, she told me that she had been feeling this way for a long time. She has admitted to not being a good communicator.

I read all about the WAW syndrome and she fits the bill. Right now, we are having nice contacts, BUT interspersed with talks of the D and property settlement. Until further notice, she "wants this divorce".

As far as the marital dynamics are concerned, there is no shortage of blame for me. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Ever since she dropped the D bomb, I got on medication, lost weight, got closer to God and generally feel great...except for this sitch.

Before that, however, I was very negative, could be angered easily, was very emotional, had nightmares, night sweats, was very insecure, clingy...let's see...did I mention insecure? I guess it was no picnic for us, especially not her.

She went to my shrink a few times over the past few years and felt better after he explained why I was going through all this. But I don't think she was getting the tools needed to deal with it or just simply got fried.

In the months leading up to the bomb, she started becoming withdrawn and refused to open up to me, to the point of getting mad when I kept asking her to tell me what was wrong. Then she would sometimes start crying saying that she couldn't make me happy. At the time, I was in my own fog and didn't know what she meant. I would ask her if she thought I should see my shrink. She would respond, "I can't tell you what to do."

She was never one to tell me what was on her mind, possibly because she did not want to bring any more stress on me. She probably did not feel safe to do so or felt that complaining would make me worse. My heart sooo goes out to her.

I love her so much, especially now since I am clear-headed. I feel so bad about what she went through with me and I'm working on forgiving myself. But I feel so good now (with the meds, God, growing...) that I can swing her around the dance floor like we used to. I so want to make it up to her...but I know I must show her with actions. I personally NEVER want to go back to that illness. I will no longer allow it. I do not wish to share my new found happiness with another woman down the road! My W deserves the best and I sure would like to have the chance to provide that to her. My words are just fluff to her right now.

She has recently made comments like, "I am scared" (that any changes are not lasting). She has said that she does not know what the future holds. Recently, when I had a frustrating talk with her she asked, "Are you trying to get closer to me or further away?" Some of her friends have mentioned that she might be watching for change in me. I certainly hope that it true.

Lately I have kept it about her and have zipped my lips. We have been laughing more and she seems to be the one dragging out the visits with chit chat. Last week, I politely made my exit. The front door opened and she yelled out, "Don't I get a hug?" She came out and hugged me and commented on how skinny I was. That was cool.

The other day was my B-day and she baked me some goodies and let me have dog-custody:) She again commented on my appearance. We hugged pretty nice that day.

It's hard when their is a divorce looming. The final date is in August. In the meantime, she is refinancing the house...at a higher rate, etc. She will turn around and ask about the settlement details, almost guaranteed. Aaaargh! I'm so confused!