I am feeling down today. Really no reason. Just one of those days that I miss the intimacy with WW. Just being able to call her at anytime. Just to see how she is. An occasional text from her telling me she is just thinking about me. The little things. I am deathly afraid of WW moving and taking the kids. I don't want to go through that.
Does doing what I'm doing accomplish that?
Does detaching and going dark accomplish that?
My whole life can't be a 180. Some things can and have been done. I only let her see the upbeat me. The happy me. I don't feel like I cater to her. I try to do a lot of AOK, but nothing overboard. Normal stuff. Things a husband should be doing for his wife.
Some here think that I'm doing good. Some think I'm doing terribly wrong.
I see most LBS's here are seperated. Some here had their spouse at home and now have become seperated or are getting seperated. Several on here are getting divorced or papers are getting signed or filed.
And now, I get a call from "B"! Just right now.
I took the call. She's just calling to see whats up. We talk a bit about our jobs, tickets she just got, insurance, her mother. I ask her if I can call her later.
Ok.
What the hell is going on? Why is this going on?
I feel like my emotions are going to burst! I am appearing normal to my coworkers and clients, but inside...
Its building.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Not a good day at work, either. Slow sales day. Can't get anything going.
Trying to decide if I should call "B" back.
This week, I have had 2 friends contact me that I haven't spoken to in a while. One of them for about 20 years!
Emailed the childhood friend. He is a pretty succesful artist in Dallas and looking to get some financing on a real estate project. He is living the life I have always dreamed of. Told me, "I was googling your lame ass.." and saw a local newspaper article that I had been quoted in. I need to keep in touch with this guy.
The other friend is the other half of a long time couple friends of WW and mine. Know each other for at least 15 years. Its been about 6 months since we have gotten together. One of those friends that WW has kind of pushed away. She knows what they would think of her. I have talked to his wife. We are very good friends and I kind of keep in touch with her. She is one of teh few good friends that know the full story of us. The 3 of us are in the same line of business. I will keep in touch with him as well. Setting up a time to get together next week.
WW has pushed all of our good friends away. I never could realize why at first, but I do now, of course. Guilt.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I don't know why. Sent an email to WW. It's been over a week that I sent the last one.
Tried to keep it light:
Just taking some time out of my totally busy schedule to say howdy.
HOWDY.
It's been dead today. Making calls to replace my HE loan. No luck.
If you feel like throwin' a dog a bone....Just kidding.
Hope your day is going good.
Me
Sound needy? Sound like pursuing? I didn't think so. What can I do but try to keep the connection between us?
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Needy - don't think so from my perspective. Pursuing - most here are likely going to say yes, but at times do we not have to go with what we think we need to do? Trying to keep the connection - according to the db principles we need to detach, but sometimes is the detachment maybe the problem that got us here in the first place?
Not sure I helped, but I can empathize with your questionning.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Never got a reply email, yesterday. Got a call from WW as I was about 5 minutes for home.
She also asks, "What do you mean throw a dog a bone?", a little serious.
Sheesh.
I explain to her that I meant for her to refer one of the many loan clients that she talks to on a daily basis.
Now she is laughing. I ask her, "What did you think I meant?" She says she didn't know. I call her a dirty minded girl. She says, "Noooo".
She say she just left work. I ask if it was a crazy day. It was late. She was just finishing some paperwork since she is off today. I tell her that I told D's that I wanted to go out to eat. I'll get them ready.
At home, I am enjoying my short time with D's before WW gets home. D11 is on computer trying to search the internet on how to become a mermaid. Wants to put a spell on D6 to become a mermaid. They are so funny. D6 says she thinks she already feels a scale growing on her leg! I'm cracking up and agreeing with her. I'm on my bed facing the foot of the bed talking to them. WW get home and lays next to me and we talk to D's together. Nice.
We change and head out. D's want seafood. I love seafood. WW hates seafood. We never have seafood. I choose Joes Crabshack. Today, we are having seafood. At restraunt, we sit outside on patio next to a huge outdoor play area full of sand. Kids are having a blast. S14 is with his dad this weekend. A sore spot with WW right now. Not his weekend.
WW and I order a beer. D11 and I share a bucket of crab, shrimp.. a boil bucket. D11 loves it. First time having crab. WW has a burger and D6 has popcorn shrimp. Great atmosphere. Kind of place I used to hang out in with friends before I got married. I start to tell stories of my past. I remeber when I used to do this or that. D's just taking it in. They go play.
WW and I are both coloring on papers. I keep trying to engage WW in convo, but not too much success. How was your day? Did you have lunch with MIL today? How is she? Few word answers. She asks if S14 has said anything about his moving in with his father come this summer. I say no. I ask her the same question. She says no. I tell her that I wish that I could talk him out of leaving. She says that he has made up his mind. I tell her that it won't last. He'll see that it will not be better at his dad house and he'll come back.
She has that distant look, again.
Ok, no more questions. I'll talk about what I want to talk about. I tell her about the friend that contacted me. I talk about going to see him soon. I talk about my day. She doesn't seem to interested, so I get up and tell her I'm going to be with the girls if she wants to join. She says she is going to go steal a smoke first.
I am playing with the girls. We are the only ones out there. I slide down the slide. I never would have done this stuff before. Always been too serious. WW comes and starts to take pictures of girls. She even takes a picture of me sitting on the railing(I was trying to look cool to her. Did she notice?). We leave and hit video store and grocery store before heading home(again!).
When we leave the video store, there is a display of free mags. Auto sales, current periodicals, apartment locators, kids mags. I know this is where WW gets her Apartment locator books. As I am holding the door, I see her looking at the display. She then reaches for a mag!
Oh no she didn't just reach and grab an apartment locator book in front of me! WTF!
It was a free kid mag. I laughed to myself on how stupid I am.
On the way home, they all fall asleep.
I can only hope that she is thinking.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Called when I got off work, today. I work a half day every other Sat. I had been planning on mayby going swimming again and maybe Indiana Jones afterwards. Talk to WW and I can hear something in her voice. That frustration sound. I ask if she has any plans. She she says she wants to go out today. In that frustrated voice. I say ok, I was going to take the girls swimming and then a movie. She tells me the girls have been lazy all day and don't want to do anything. I tell her I will get them going. I tell her I'm headed home. She pauses, "Ok". Sarcastic sounding.
Gonna be a good day.
Get home and she is putting puppies outside with D6. I can just FEEL the frustration in her. She is back and forth. Still in her night gown. Been cleaning. I'm looking to see how much cleaning she did, because that usually means that she is going out all day and maybe all night.
She tell me how S14 has not cleaned up his room. Turtle tank a mess and stinks. I ask her why she is cleaning it and she says she is cleaning it and getting rid of it. She had a talk with S14 earlier and it did not go well. She tells me about the convo and also starts telling me about nephew. "He better get his act together or he can find another place to live", she says. I tell her that they are selfish. "They ARE ALL selfish!", she says. I'm again thinking to myself, " Are you listening to yourself?" She is starting to do laundry, and I'm trying to make myself something to eat. She's here and there. Starting to cry. I go catch her in the bedroom and tell her, "Just go do want you wanted to do. Stop doing this stuff and get ready to go." I tell her firmly but not yelling.
D11 brings me WW's cell phone. She left in her room. I take a quick glance. Missed calls and texts. A missed text from OM. "What you doing?" Oh, brother. I take her the phone and give a shrug. D11 has her phone again later, and she gets another text. As D11 is walking to give her the phone, I see it is a text from OM. I hear her open and close it. She is getting ready to go. First she is wearing something nice and then she changes to a tshirt and shorts. She gets a call and I hear her talking about her going to pay some bills and wanting to go see a movie but no one wanted to do what she wanted.
I go around whistling the tune that her phone makes for recieved texts. I get D's ready. D's are asking her where she is going. She says to pay bills and then out. By herself. As I am getting ready, she keeps looking at me. I am upbeat. Whistling. Same tune.
She is angrily trying to tell me her plans. She wanted to make plans and no one wanted to do it with her. No one EVER wants to do what she wants. Then everyone is calling her to do something. "The hell with it," she says. "I'm doing something by myself. If my sister wants to go see a movie with me, then fine. I want to see 'Sex in the City' and she can meet me later. I'll have my phone if you want to get ahold of me." She tells me she is going to this store and that store and the other store that she has been dying to go to recently. That home decorating store. And then maybe a movie, too. She doesn't know what time, but she'll figure it out.
I'm like, ok. Your telling me all this why, again?
I sure hope OM is pissing her off and bugging her. I know everyone else is.
Can't be me. Or can it?
I just got here.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
