Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Hi Creed,

Something you said hit me differently this time for some reason...

Think long and hard, but remember at this point, you are the one protecting yourself and the kids financially...he is not. He's really not capable of much at all at this point, other than taking care of himself.

I struggle with whether the things he says, he is sure of....or whether they are just words that I shouldn't believe.

You say he isn't 'capable' of much at this point....and that really rings true that he is messed up and deep in MLC.

IF he were capable....then this would be about him truly moving on and not about MLC?

It gets easier, but there are always moments where I doubt myself, feel inadequate, ugly...blah,blah,blah.....

But, just like this instance, I SNAP out of that!!! I am happy...I'm just not happy with him; I'm not happy with our relationship, and his relationship with the kids and this family.

When I read about MLC, and understand what he is dealing with, how he is being affected by his actions...it helps. He isn't going to be very open, but he complains about everything when he talks to me.

[Creed]

Hi Sophie

I've got to get to bed..work early in the morning, but I wanted to let you know I read your messages, and there's more I'd like to share with you..there are some similarities going on with you that I remember going through too...and maybe you can handle it better than I did when I was going through it. I didn't have a clue what to do or think, and handled it in a way I now cringe about when I think of it.

I'll try to get back before the end of the weekend. Hope you can enjoy a peaceful one at your home. Enjoy those kids!!

[Sophie]

Thanks Creed....I'll be waiting for your input!!!

[momof2girls]

hi Sophie,
I do think things can get worse before they get better. My H got progressively worse...when we first S, he called everyday and came to see the kids...
A bit later, the phone calls were less frequent, he would make excuses as to why he couldn't take the kids and financially I was on my own because H lost two jobs...the first which he held in management for over 10 years! I think the second lasted about 3 weeks.

Every aspect of his life was awful...including his young OW that forced him into filing for D. I think if he wasn't pushed he would have been a fence sitter too, I did not want a D so I did not do anything to help him.

I am also a teacher...7th grade English. I was left with the upkeep of the house and all the bills, luckily I am a much better money manager than H so I did ok paying the bills on time.

H and I have reconciled and he has been home almost a year. It has taken forgiveness in order to rebuild the trust we used to have. Things are good...once in a while I go through the "how could he...?" but I have learned how to stop myself before letting it ruin my day.

I do think you should seek legal counsel just for the financial support you need to raise the kids.

As far as H seeing them, you can't force that. That is his loss in the long run. My H truly regrets the time he did not spend with the kids...did not even come to D1's first birthday. Unfortunately, that is something he has to deal with for the rest of his life.

It sounds like you are very strong and are doing well managing things on your own. I know it is frustrating!

[Sophie]

Hi:)

Please, tell me more.

I feel okay that he doesn't try to see the kids, for our sake. We've tried every arrangement there is and he doesn't stick to any of them. It is so much easier on us emotionally to just leave him alone. When he comes around the roller coaster starts, his intentions are not about me or the kids...it is pretty clear any moment around the kids, our family etc...is just a feel good check in kind of thing. It is easier on us if he is out of our lives while he 'deals' with whatever is going on in his life.

I just don't understand how he can do this! But, I'd rather he stay away than just take what he wants when he wants it.

We've been through this for so long that even the kids want ALL of him...or they are fine with just moving on without him.

My H had a short affair, which was the explosion of all this. The whole gamit, including the withdrawel, lasted about 8 months. He left for two weeks, hated it...came home. During the withdrawel stage of the affair, he left again for two weeks. He didn't feel the same for the OW, missed us so much...came home. When I had my hurt days I questioned so hard about how he could have walked away. He yelled at me 'I was insane! Don't you think I had to be insane to walk away from all of this and my 3 children???!~!!"

So...a year later, he really moved out...and I definately conclude...he is insane.

How in the heck did you and your H reconcille? Can you tell me if there are aspects to a 'last stage'... ?

Last Labor Day, I put my H on the spot and asked if he wants a divorce to please go get it. If he doesn't know if he wants a divorce to please work on any tiny thread that might bring our family back together. Well we hardly heard from him for 6 months. Only on 'required' days like sons bdays/xmas.

Late March I had to call him becasue the electric company couldn't get ahold of him and the bill was so late, electricity would be turned off in 24 hours!!! I couldn't believe he has started to be so irresponsible about the bills. He is barely making ends meet becasue of his extra house expense, but he works two jobs to do it. He seems to get lazy about staying on top of things now like bills, his yard, his laundry etc...

Anyway, after NC for almost 6 months, the convo about the elec. bill turned into a nice chat about life, family and stuff. He seemed a bit different, more settled and less antsy.

Soccer season had just started. Soccers seasons are Aug to Oct and Mar to May. The last four seasons, he has only shown up to watch games....and other than that we don't see him. So, he starts coming to soccer games again. This makes me resent him, becasue I am paying for everything that goes into soccer, I'm getting homework done so that I can run two boys to two different practices, then get everyone home, fed and in bed. I am making it all happen. All he does is show up for the game and act like soccer dad cheering on all the kids.

Well...during soccer season I went with the flow and acted 'as if'...let him come and go. We did have some nice family weekends and meals out. I let him become a part of family things like the kids sleep overs etc. I though I was helping him get back into the family without stress.

And...soccer season ended Mother's Day weekend...and he backed off. He wasn't going to recognize anything having to do with my job as a Mother.

On top of that, the next weekend was my birthday and looking back...he had planned his escape from acknowledging that for months. He purposedly snubbed, avoided and hurt me on my birthday. I asked how he could do that after coming back into our lives, spending time here, eatting, drinking and enjoying my company and our family???

He said, you did didn't do anything for my bday. He told me to stop doing things for him that it made him uncomfortable. Every year for 20 years, I've made his birthday special. The last three when he was either sneeking with the OW, wanting to move out, or moved out...I still made it special and two weeks later, he'd trash me and tell me he didn't want me to do anything for him and that he didn't want to be in my house. So that last OCt. I just worked it so that he would be with the kids on his birthday weekend.

So, I told him if he wanted to 'get even' with me and hurt my feelings...he succeeded. I also said, he can't come float in and out of our lives anymore. Again, he needed to do something. Only thing is now, I'm ready to do something that breaks me free from someone I cannot trust with our financial and emotional well being.

He doesn't want to do anything....he has now disappeared, we haven't heard from him since MAy15. So, I'm kind of relaxed knowing he is out of the picture. It worries me that he might do something harmful to himself becasue he does numb with alcohol.

Anyway...I really rambled...holy smokes!!

Again...I would be eager to hear how you came to the point of reconciling.

Thanks.

[Sophie]

This has been bugging me for a long time....

Why doesn't my H try, in any way shape or form, to make sure he has time with his kids?

If he is so sure a divorce is the right thing....then, wouldn't he make darn sure he had as much of his kids as possible?

It seems he stays away as a favor to us. ??

If he's trying to hurt us by staying away, by disappearing...he just isn't. He is making it easier on us emotionally. Our days and weeks go by much smoother without his issues and actions to deal with.

What's up with all this?

[Sophie]

hi momof2....just wanted to let you know I found your thread 'I need help'...I'll read through it.

[Bworl]

It seems to me that you're stuck in a fairly predictable pattern.

One of the principles that gets talked about with DB'ing is to do things that work, and to not do things that don't work.

I mentioned earlier considering some type of official separation (believe you said it would have to be a trial divorce or some such thing) with the thought that perhaps SOME action would provoke a change one way or the other.

Of course that change could be that he agrees and chooses to officially divorce. And that raises the whole issue of support and alimony, etc.

I can't explain why he is ok with being apart from his kids. Perhaps guilt, perhaps selfishness, maybe a combination of the two. It seems as though he's only comfortable in social situations like sports events. Those are well defined in terms of time and length, and maybe he is more comfortable knowing that he can come and go. I do agree that after this long, it's time for a change.

You've been left holding all the responsibility. I understand. I'm doing much the same here with my 16 year old and my 21 year old who lives on his own but still needs a parent around. Their mother is 500 miles away and her contribution is about $450 of child support each month and a one or two day visit about every 2-3 months. How can you walk away from your kids like that?

I've decided it's part of the psychosis of this thing.

And there's nothing I can do about it except the best I can do.


Blessings,

Bill

[Sophie]

Hi Bill,

I see you are in Indiana...I have relatives in Evansville.

I have become the most comforatable, on a day to day basis, with no contact. He doesn't try to see his kids or anything...and it is easier emotionally on the kids and I than riding his roller coaster and seeing him only when he feels like it.

I only know now what to do that works best, not what I want, but what works best for the kids sanity and mine.

I have no clue of anything different to do where H is concerned, other than file something....financial arrangments where I have control of the money coming this way....or divorce. Right now, I would be a greedy divorce pursuer...yikes. He robbed nearly everything from me and if he is intent to be as it is, thinking he has become a better person....I have a different attitude about someone like that.

Divorce right now for me raises too much anger and I have to put that on the back burner.

How CAN they stand not seeing their children's faces every day? My kids are gorgeous, smart, funny .... and all that.

Maybe they make him feel too inferior?

Does the money your kids get from mom come voluntarilly?

" It seems as though he's only comfortable in social situations like sports events. Those are well defined in terms of time and length, and maybe he is more comfortable knowing that he can come and go. I do agree that after this long, it's time for a change."


I think you are right about the limited time of events. He seems to get antsy.

And change,...well, he's diappeared so I guess I don't have to do too much, huh? I already don't call, seek him out, email, text...anything. Haven't for months. It seems that makes him mad, but if I call, he usually doesn't answer...and has about 3 lines why like 'the phone is in the truck', ' the battery is dead', 'I left it on my desk'.

I don't call him for emergencies, I make all decisions about the house, school, kids....everything. I don't consult at all. I used to, he didn't really say anything. I used to go over problems with the kids and grades, or discipline things like when the boys tried to light gasoline trails on fire and almost burned their bodies!!! I tell him the stories, he listens, and that's that. It made me mad that he would do nothing...as if he lived on the other side of the continent and couldn't do anything. Is that why your W lives 500 miles away?

thanks for listening...take care.

[Sophie]

Hi again, Bill...I noticed in your profile you are a HS math teacher.

Me too!

20 years in San Diego...now online.