Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Hi:)

Please, tell me more.

I feel okay that he doesn't try to see the kids, for our sake. We've tried every arrangement there is and he doesn't stick to any of them. It is so much easier on us emotionally to just leave him alone. When he comes around the roller coaster starts, his intentions are not about me or the kids...it is pretty clear any moment around the kids, our family etc...is just a feel good check in kind of thing. It is easier on us if he is out of our lives while he 'deals' with whatever is going on in his life.

I just don't understand how he can do this! But, I'd rather he stay away than just take what he wants when he wants it.

We've been through this for so long that even the kids want ALL of him...or they are fine with just moving on without him.

My H had a short affair, which was the explosion of all this. The whole gamit, including the withdrawel, lasted about 8 months. He left for two weeks, hated it...came home. During the withdrawel stage of the affair, he left again for two weeks. He didn't feel the same for the OW, missed us so much...came home. When I had my hurt days I questioned so hard about how he could have walked away. He yelled at me 'I was insane! Don't you think I had to be insane to walk away from all of this and my 3 children???!~!!"

So...a year later, he really moved out...and I definately conclude...he is insane.

How in the heck did you and your H reconcille? Can you tell me if there are aspects to a 'last stage'... ?

Last Labor Day, I put my H on the spot and asked if he wants a divorce to please go get it. If he doesn't know if he wants a divorce to please work on any tiny thread that might bring our family back together. Well we hardly heard from him for 6 months. Only on 'required' days like sons bdays/xmas.

Late March I had to call him becasue the electric company couldn't get ahold of him and the bill was so late, electricity would be turned off in 24 hours!!! I couldn't believe he has started to be so irresponsible about the bills. He is barely making ends meet becasue of his extra house expense, but he works two jobs to do it. He seems to get lazy about staying on top of things now like bills, his yard, his laundry etc...

Anyway, after NC for almost 6 months, the convo about the elec. bill turned into a nice chat about life, family and stuff. He seemed a bit different, more settled and less antsy.

Soccer season had just started. Soccers seasons are Aug to Oct and Mar to May. The last four seasons, he has only shown up to watch games....and other than that we don't see him. So, he starts coming to soccer games again. This makes me resent him, becasue I am paying for everything that goes into soccer, I'm getting homework done so that I can run two boys to two different practices, then get everyone home, fed and in bed. I am making it all happen. All he does is show up for the game and act like soccer dad cheering on all the kids.

Well...during soccer season I went with the flow and acted 'as if'...let him come and go. We did have some nice family weekends and meals out. I let him become a part of family things like the kids sleep overs etc. I though I was helping him get back into the family without stress.

And...soccer season ended Mother's Day weekend...and he backed off. He wasn't going to recognize anything having to do with my job as a Mother.

On top of that, the next weekend was my birthday and looking back...he had planned his escape from acknowledging that for months. He purposedly snubbed, avoided and hurt me on my birthday. I asked how he could do that after coming back into our lives, spending time here, eatting, drinking and enjoying my company and our family???

He said, you did didn't do anything for my bday. He told me to stop doing things for him that it made him uncomfortable. Every year for 20 years, I've made his birthday special. The last three when he was either sneeking with the OW, wanting to move out, or moved out...I still made it special and two weeks later, he'd trash me and tell me he didn't want me to do anything for him and that he didn't want to be in my house. So that last OCt. I just worked it so that he would be with the kids on his birthday weekend.

So, I told him if he wanted to 'get even' with me and hurt my feelings...he succeeded. I also said, he can't come float in and out of our lives anymore. Again, he needed to do something. Only thing is now, I'm ready to do something that breaks me free from someone I cannot trust with our financial and emotional well being.

He doesn't want to do anything....he has now disappeared, we haven't heard from him since MAy15. So, I'm kind of relaxed knowing he is out of the picture. It worries me that he might do something harmful to himself becasue he does numb with alcohol.

Anyway...I really rambled...holy smokes!!

Again...I would be eager to hear how you came to the point of reconciling.

Thanks.