He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[AbbysDad]

bh,

I'm so sorry for your sitch. I recently found out about A too and then on Tuesday found W with OM in her new (2 day old) apartment. What I learned here is no to make any life changing decisions (like moving away). Just go dark and let some time pass before deciding on what to do.

Again I'm sorry and I really feel your pain.

[No Longer BH]

AbbysDad,

Thank you for posting kind words. This is the place we all never imagined we would come to. In this hard time I am just trying to make since of it all, but know that that is crazy because there in no since in it all. I am sorry that you had to actually see the proff of the OM. I can not image how hard that was. And I thought when my H moved out that things were rough, who knew it could get so much worse.

[AbbysDad]

BH,

It gets worse and then it gets better. My mind still races minute by minute but I've been focusing on me lately. Calling up friends and family I neglected, going out, joining a gym. The emotions come and go but the best thing to do is try to not think about. Like they say here, go dark. No contact, except for S talk and finances. Make him contact you and try to focus on YOU and S.

The last two days, I have felt good and have had very, very limited contact. In fact today, I can see us having no contact which at this point is fine by me. Its a tough time and keep posting. Lots of support here.

[No Longer BH]

AD -

I know I need to focus on me. In fact I have been dbing for about 2 months before this happened and was doing great at GAL. The news of the affair just ripped my heart out. My breathe was taken away. I'm still in shocked. Cant eat, cant sleep. I know that this too will pass but it really sucks to be here right now.

As I stated earlier, I broke my NC with H today. First I replied to a vicious email that he sent with prob WAY too much compassion, then I called him because I knew he would not reply. He yelled at me, told me I had no right to go and stay with my family and I broke all trust he had in me. Funny, when I brought up that he broke the trust of marriage, he said he did not see it that way. He claims that I am turning our son against him because S sees me cry sometimes and I tell him its becuase I miss his dad and wish he would come home. S overheard a conversation with my mom about how I could not believe H would get a girlfriend. So, yes, despite my efforts, S does know that his dad has a girlfriend. When I told H, he blew up. Not my fault that he is the one acting in an amoral way. He should not be doing things that he would be ashamed of son knowing about.

Anyway, in the mits of our conversation he told me that his life is falling apart. Apparently he was just demoted at work. This is the job that 3 years ago hated so I said he should find a new one to become happy. Then when things turned and I was the reason for his unhappiness, the job was great and he resented me for trying to push him out of it. For the last two years I have heard nothing but it is so great, he is doing so great and he cant really work on R because job is so important. Looks like he could not keep that in order as well.

I am still unsure, though, if this is a MLC or if he has just decided to reinvent myself in order to find a new happiness. Any thoughts, PLEASE.

[No Longer BH]

god, hate that I can not edit....meant to say reinvent HIMSELF, not myself.

[Starshyne]

This is just my opinion. I questioned and questioned for awhile if my H was going through a MLC or not. He has dyed his black and grey hair blonde, joined a gym and lost 60 pounds, is wearing younger clothes (he never wore jeans before), goes to the tanning booth several times a week, is having an affair with a woman 11 years younger than him, and at one point told me that he wasn't getting older as the days go by but he is getting younger. Huh?!?!

However, after questioning it and questioning it in my mind I have decided that putting the MLC label on it or not isn't going to change anything. It isn't going to make me feel better. It isn't going to make my old H return. This could go on for years, and I can't handle it.

So search for the answers, but maybe in time you will realize that it doesn't really matter....

Just my thoughts. I am SOOOOOO SORRY you are dealing with this. I know how hard the pain feels and how difficult it can be to get up and get going each day. We are here for you.

Sara

[No Longer BH]

Sara,

Deep in my heart I know it really doesnt matter, but a samll piece of me hopes that if it MLC then he will snap out of it and want to come back. He is were he is and nothing I do is going to change him, I get that. I know I have to walk away and let him find his own path, and if his path leads him to a cliff I cant rescue him anymore.

What made you decide to talk to a lawyer. My family keeps telling me that I need to do the same, but I am just not ready to do that yet. Call it denail, but I dont want a divorce if I dont have to get one. I'm not going to put my life on hold for him to come back, but I have been keeping my heart and hopes up that one day he will. From what I have read, one day I will get to acceptance if he does not return and then will be able to let go. Wish it was not such a painful raod to go down. But hey, what does not kill you.....yeah yeah yeah, we all know.

[Starshyne]

Ask anyone here...it took me MONTHS to get to the point where I was willing to talk to a lawyer. The night where he stayed out all night until 5am with OW and then came home and started doing his laundry. That is when I hit the breaking point and realized that I couldn't do this anymore. He was coming and going with the OW with no desire to change.


I am struggling right now in actually giving the lawyer the money to start the divorce. I am scared out of mind. I want my H to snap out of it so badly and come back to me. But I don't know if that will ever happen or if it does, I don't know how long it will take. I don't have my whole life to wait around. I need to take that plunge and start the ball rolling. But you need to do these things whenever it feels right for you. There is no use going to see a lawyer if you aren't ready. You will know when you are.

Hang in there...I know this is so hard and painful.

Sara

[imLIN]

I disagree...I think if it is MLC it gives us a lot more insight into the insane actions of our H's...or W's as the case may be...this helped me to understand what was happening and to realize that there was hope of him comming out of it...

I can say it was a long road...lots of insane actions...lots of consequences we are still dealing with...but we have been reconciling for the past 2 years after being apart for 2 years...we are on solid ground and living happily together...

Our story is long, sad, insane, and totally by the book MLC...I always believe that was a label for an excuse...I now know differently...the depression that develops in all of this is very well disguised by OW, spending money, acting crazy, foolish, and young...the sad part is that they really don't see it that way...and when they do...it is a hard hit for humbling!

Take care...there is hope....Lin

[No Longer BH]

Sara,

Thank you for letting me see that there is no rush. Your right, if I'm not ready then I'm not ready. I cant let my family push me into something that I might regret later on, even though they are doing it out of care for me. People do not understand what this feels like unless they are/have lived it. I will focus on healing my wounds first then see where I am at.

Lin,

Thank you for giving me hope. On a site where much of what we see is pain and bad endings, its nice to actually get a post from someone who made it through the storm. Did you H have an OW? If he did, did he claim to be in love with her? I have so many questions but understand that sometimes there are no answers for the craziness of it all.