Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I just wanted to chip in my two cents worth, which is pretty much the same as everybody else! Patience is a valuable asset. So go slowly, and give her the time and space she needs. And look at your goals. It's hard to refrain from more of the same behavior, we do that so well, but as you move to do something different, you can, as it's said, "monitor" those results. Most of all, and this is the best part: you're in there doing what it takes. Yes, it's not easy, but you know the worth of your efforts. She's inter-acting with you, and that's good! Keep building on that! DoRight
Lee, I have no advise as I could have written your last few days of posts. Just wanted to let you know I completely understand what you are going through. I'm so frustrated with it all that I haven't posted on my thread. If you find the key to getting over it, let me know. I think the advise that you have been given is good, there are some smart people around here.
My H backed off initiating, and made a big stink about it.
Before and after he "backed off," whenever I would try to show affection, which could easily have escalated to the next level, he would just give me a quick hug and kiss back, and return to what he was doing. He was pre-occupied with work, phone calls for work, tv, laundry, dishes, etc. It made me feel like he was just going thru the motions. I had to wait for his leftovers. Everything and everyone else seemed to come first.
Other times, he would jump right into the groping stuff, which turned me off. I told him so many times to give me time to get warmed up and then I would welcome that part. It was like I never had a chance to take the lead, he would take over before I had a chance.
If he would have just hugged me a little longer, really cuddled, waited for me to put his hand where I wanted it, he may have discovered that I could get warmed up really quick. And then there were so many times that we would be getting turned on, but he would say "let's wait until later." By the time later came, I was too tired, and he was ready to play.
So it might help to pay attention to the daytime kissing and hugging a little more. It won't necessarily lead to more, but in my case, I wished it would have.
And as far as him wanting me to initiate, as I look back on it, he wanted me to initiate when HE wanted it, not when I wanted it.
I was able to bring up this issue with H since he moved out, but he didn't comment on it, so I don't know if it registered. When he left, one of his issues was I wouldn't initiate, which I guess, to him, meant that I didn't love him, which was so, so wrong.
So please don't give up yet. Since H left, I have been able to "initiate" some fun several times, and because he couldn't put me off until bedtime anymore, he had to take it while I was "initiating." So now I'm getting what I wanted before. The circumstances are the pits, though.
Just a thought: a rose, when it opens, is a beautiful thing. A woman's heart is like her hand, when it is open, it is a beautiful thing, but let that hand close, and the fist it makes! Still, a fist can be opened and trust re-established. And when the hand of love is open, like the rose, it is a beautiful thing. DoRight
Well today I thought I would do something special for my W so I got her Flowers out of the blue. She called and my D6 told her that we got her flowers she was very suprised. She asked why? I said because your deserve some for being so special. I have stopped doing things like that for her and thinkiing back I think it helped her to feel special so I have decided to start getting her little things that will help her feel special and important to me. I even think im going to write her a little love letter . I really just want her to know how much I care. Anyway hockey is back on gotta run.
Do take heed to what Mixmess said. She makes good sense. The issue of women and initiating sex is a bit more complicated than many men realize. The process is simple though.
Remember what I said in an earlier post about the "speed bump".
Pay attention to what women have to say on this subject. It could be very helpful.
Hi Lee, Like dfb said, you have made incredible progress towards rebuilding your M, but like a puzzle, when "piecing" you have to find the right pieces before trying to put them together. You have found the pieces that worked to attract her to you again. Now, you have to find the pieces that build on that bond so she knows she has made the right decision to stay. This is going to take more time. 1 year of piecing and I still don't have all the pieces yet.
... and when you come across a piece that doesn't work, put it aside for now. Don't repeatedly try to force it to fit. The puzzle won't ever be complete if you try to force a piece where it doesn't work. It may belong in another part of the puzzle, so let it go for now and when you get to that part, then it will be appropriate to use that piece.
"Piecing" is still a transition stage ... the pieces are being put together now more than being pulled apart but there are still holes to fill in. Use what you know fits, put aside of what doesn't for now, but know sooner or later, you will get to use all the pieces before completing the whole picture of what an M should be like.
Quote: Everything and everyone else seemed to come first.
Well that is the way I feel right now with my W. I feel that everything comes first. My W knows that if she wants it she can have it. Anytime day or night.
At this point Im kinda giving up on the whole inimacy thing. To do that though I have to pull away a little with the physcial touch things also. Because I cant be touching her and all of that and be able to not want to try and make love. I am also not going to try so hard to be perfect. Doing that will hopfully help me recharge my batteries and get back to Not persueing and stuff like that.
In this piecing stage it is such a fine line that you have to walk. My W has mentioned a couple of times that I never call her and she does all of the calling so I have taken that as she wants me to call her and tell her how my day is going and just chat. So im trying to do more of that. Anyway Im going to go now.
Great job listening to what she is wanting and then being willing to give it to her. I know it is hard to feel that her needs are coming before yours. But you can do this, and you have worked hard to get where you are.
Unfortunately, for a lot of women, the sex is not as important as it is to a man, well, I don't mean that exactly. I guess some women know how much it means to a man, and a woman sometimes wants a man to show HER love in other ways. Clearly her LL is not physical touch like yours is, hers may be gifts and quality time. And until she can grow in such a way to understand that love is what you give to the other person, she will still be stuck in a me mode and expect you to give her her LL, without reciprocating yours. Try to look at what you give her as a gift, something you would not expect anything in return for.. simply something you want to give to her. And give her what you think SHE would want, not what you want to give her.
Please be careful with the pulling away, you don't want her to think you are pulling away because she won't give you sex... a tit for tat thing.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
