Donna--finding herself #25

[L21959]

Ellie --

Great thoughts, and reminders about picking battles....

And this:

WASs are usually prone to projection. In fact, it's kind of a fun parlor game to take their statements, turn all the "you"s into "I"s, and see what they REALLY mean. So....do you think your H has narcissistic personality disorder?

You've given me a great new game to occupy my too-busy brain in the middle of the night!! Thanks!!

L2

P.S. Oh, and by the way I know my H has major narcissistic tendencies...this will make it easier to sort out!!

[Reincarnated]

I know that many here will think that I am crazy, and maybe I am...

h has agreed to meet with my IC next week, with me there. We are out of negotiations, now, so there really isn't any worry of him using info about me or the marriage against me, if that was ever the case.

I need all of this layed out on the table. And it has to come from someone else, not me. She has told me that she really doesn't think that there will be the positive outcome that I hope for, but is willing to do it if it is what I want.

I need to try to save my family one last time. I don't think I can let go without that; I'm not sure if I will ever be able to let go. And I know that leaves me stuck in self-pity and misery. I know the stakes of this, for myself, and for my kids.

He needs to know what the outcomes really are, what other options he has beside the one that he has been so hell-bent on taking. If only I could plant a seed of doubt in him...

My poor children....he has been so lost. Please, if you believe, pray to God that He sees fit to bring my family back together. I may be delusional, I may be crazy, but I know that I still love him. Dear God, let that be a light to make him consider home.

[SuperDad]

(((Donna)))
Donna, don't know what else to say to this. Either way, I hope this will help you to move to the next step, whatever that may be.

SD

[Reincarnated]

I am SO all over the place, emotionally. Today is a strong day. I feel silly about how I was even feeling last night. I make no sense to myself...blowing around in the wind.

Kids are off with their dad. Not a shred of emotion about it from me. Really. I have work to do around the house and for grad school, so I feel better that I won't be torn between wanting to give them attention and getting things done that need to be done. Nothing about stbx either way. Weird.

It was only yesterday that I was on my knees praying, weeping on and off all day. The only consistent trigger seems to be when I am in proximity to him or talk to him on the phone. Maybe I won't ever be able to do those things again, or not for a very, very long time.

Now, while in the bad place, I asked in-laws and a mutual friend if they would write a letter of their honest opinions, things that they have shared with me, to stbx. Everyone I know has said that they hoped that we would be back together, they see how hard I have tried, the mistakes and selfishness of h, etc.....but also, they have all said that he won't be back--too much ego and pride, too stubborn.

I don't know what I even want anymore. I just spoke with my aunt, and she, like so many others, see this so black-and-white: he can never be trusted again, he hasn't looked back, he is still with the other woman, he has been so nasty, he isn't worth it....
I am so afraid to trust myself at this point. Am I setting myself up for another horrendous blow? Am I projecting what I want him to be, instead of seeing him as he is? Are all my reactions based in what is in the past, what I thought that to be, and not reality?

How much of the man that I love was only an act, a combination of pretending and fairy tale? What was real?

Tonight, I want to wash my hands of this loser who doesn't deserve my love or my heart. Leave it all to business-only email and move on with my life. He had his chances for almost a year. Close the door myself. I have a great life and everything is going to be better than good, with no concessions or hard work on a R/M that someone else is undecided on.

The other part remembers the pain that I don't want to keep falling back into, and the faces of my children as they struggle with something that they should have never had to deal with.

Would it even be worth it to try, at this point? And if not, why go to the trouble of having a joint C session, or having anyone write anything?

So much time and energy, wasted on this mess. Yes, I have grown through it--that part wasn't wasted. But has it really been almost a year since I tossed him out?

Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, 22 years since the day we met. Last year, I spent it alone on a river, then watched the same sky (near-constant heat lightening) as the night we met, alone. I looked up and prayed to God that he would find his way back to my heart. I hadn't even discovered the affair, yet. He was knee-deep in lies, sleeping in the basement. He had asked for us not to exchange cards, and if he could be committed to the family and just not me....

He is lost. But it shouldn't be my place to bring him home. He has to WANT it. Like an alcoholic has to want to quit. I'll let slide what is already in place for next week, but for now and the foreseeable future, I have got to move on.

He is no longer my prince, and I have to find a new Happily Ever After.

[Reincarnated]

I am willing to try anything to snap myself out of this depression (although today is another strong day). I spoke with a DB counselor this morning. Jody concurred that I can't talk stbx into staying married. Her take was to rediscover what attracted him to me in the first place and recreate that--

guess what? By NOT being a pathetic, depressed basketcase. Strong, competent, accepting of the situation and able to handle it.

hell, if it provides me with the extra kick in the ass to shake these feelings, it doesn't really matter if the marrige is restored, does it? It gets me back to the Donna I miss so much.

This is an email that I wrote after suggestions from Jody. It should decrease the tension and negative feelings, if only to help pave a way to coparent....

".......I get it.

I get that you’ve thought this all through and this is what you have to do. I know that you have thought long and hard about all of the options, and you understand and will manage what is to come.

I get that it was all about me, for so long. I got caught up in my life and there was very little left over for you, even when you asked me to make you a higher priority. I kept doing that over the last year, only thinking about how I was feeling.

This is the first time that I really see and understand my disrespect for you, by not taking care of our house and home that you worked so hard to provide for; by not taking care of myself for you; by leaving anything that I didn’t feel like doing for you to do.

I get that my depression and neediness have been frustrating and overwhelming to you, and not good for the kids. You are right; they need to see me coping with the changes with more strength, so they know how people can deal with disappointment in their lives. You have been a better example of that for them; I will refocus on doing the same. I know that you have tried to help me, even agreeing to see Sarah. If you still decide to come next week, do it because you want to get more information, not for me.

I get how I have come between you and your parents, and I am deeply sorry for that. At first, their support felt good, but now I see that I was wrong. I need to be more respectful of your relationship with your family.

I get it that our marriage is ending and it is time for me to move forward with my life. It is what is best for our children. I want to be able to work together to raise them....."

Now, of course I still have work to do on ME, but that is something that stbx can't help me with. Him coming back would only "get me off the hook" for doing the tough stuff.

I haven't emailed this to him yet; using the 24 hour rule.

[NNP1965]

Please do not send that or any other email. It is good that you wrote it, good for you, but please do not send it.

[Reincarnated]

What a mess. Where is the erase button, where I can just remove the memories of him from my life? I just don't want to think about any of this anymore. But I guess that is the point, isn't it? Stop thinking about it and move on. That's really been the consistent advice from everyone.
I am tired today, but not depressed. I think that would be a better thing to pray for--the strength to stay in this place, and not slip back.

[NikB]

(((Donna)))

Sorry you're having a rough time.

I agree - please don't send that or any other email. Leave him alone.

What fun thing can you do today to help bring you back up a bit? Maybe a nap in a nice park, since you're tired? Make yourself a nice picnic even.

[Reincarnated]

What a waste of a day. I slept on and off. Missed my kids. I checked and read the boards here. I thought about the sitch. I watched a thunderstorm roll in and out. I ate whatever jumped out at me (2 bowls of cereal, some leftover chinese, 5 samoas cookies). I read countless craigslist ads. Stayed in my pjs all day. Let the dog in and out. Sat on my a$$.

My anniversary. What used to be one of the most special days in my life, the rememberence of the day we first met, then married 6 years later. 22 years in each other's lives.

MIL stopped over a few times, and son ran in to pick up sneakers he had forgotten to bring to his dad's (it was nice to get the unexpected hug), but other than that, I didn't reach out to anyone, talk to anyone. Just didn't feel like it. No one called.

I slept through the 7 pm call time we usually honor, each of us taking that time to talk to the kids and wish them a good-night if we aren't with them. It is too late now--the first time I missed it, ever, and I feel bad about that. He would never forget or miss it.

I feel like that scene in Back to the Future, when the kid is onstage, sagging down and simply disappearing because the past has been changed. I need to find the, something, that snaps me back to being whole again.

Depression without the desperation? Well, at least I'm not crying. I simply took up space today.

I kept thinking that stbx was the one who needed a shaking. I think maybe it is me. My head was going in so many different directions over the past week; maybe I just needed a time-out.

OK, did that. Plans for tomorrow:

Up at 7 to take my time getting ready (bath instead of shower, indulge a little).
9:30--noon Church
lunch out?
Home to bless the house (vacuum, dust, put on a load of laundry)
Buckle down to homework for a few hours
Mow the lawn
Kids back home

[NikB]

(((Donna)))

Sometimes, a whole day in PJs sitting on your a$$ is a really fabulous day. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the time, I think it's your mind/body's way of catching up.

I slept through the 7 pm call time we usually honor, each of us taking that time to talk to the kids and wish them a good-night if we aren't with them. It is too late now--the first time I missed it, ever, and I feel bad about that. He would never forget or miss it.

I AM sorry that you missed it. But please quit beating yourself up over it.

Know what? I bet STBX will miss it sometime. He will.. s**t happens, life happens, sometimes things get missed. It's OK Donna and your kids know that you love them. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a tired person who took care of herself by sleeping and missed the time.

Sounds like great plans for tomorrow, I'm especially happy to see that indulge a little part.