Question for butterflymom

[Treese]

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[butterflymom]

Treese,

I asked FW his opinions on some of what your H is saying. Of course, everyone is different, but his take is that he leave while you are upstairs or out of the room because it's easier that way. It's hard for him to tell you goodbye as well so he doesn't do it.

As far as your question, how do you know if they miss you. You really can't know that for sure ever. You can get an indication from their actions (not their words), but sometimes even their actions are different from their true feelings.

As far as wanting to feel him, smell him, etc. I felt the same way, but you can't really act like you feel that way or else he will feel pressured and backed into a corner. You have to act as if everything is OK and you are getting on with your life without him.. You have to get to a place where you realize that you will be fine with or without him even though you don't WANT to be without him

When you get to the point where you feel and know that you will be OK either way and act accordingly then he will feel the change in you.

Stop obsessing and start focusing on YOU.

BFM

[MidwesternGirl]

If you don't mind, I would like to add what my H has said.

Missing me: He said most definitely. He thinks about me everyday, all the time and same about the kids.

It is easier for them to leave when you are in another room or not really visible because it is very emotional for them and yes, my H said so many times he wanted to stay but could not.

Hope this helps, even if a little.

[Treese]

BFM;

THanks for asking FW, you dont know how much it helps....

I did tell him that it was so hard for me when he leaves so I need to back off of that...I do have trouble acting "as if", It's so hard because I care so much...I don't want him to feel pressure so I really need to concentrate on this....it is like an obsession and I don't want to totally push him away...Ok, today is the day...I'm going to do the 180 with the way I respond to things....

I will see him tonight because of son's bball game...I'll do my best...

Thanks Treese

[butterflymom]

Treese.

I was thinking a little more today and a big thing is not to appear needy (the acting as if thing).

Neediness is NOT an attractive feature in anyone. FW felt very trapped by my neediness and found it very attractive once I stopped and started living life for myself.

Let us know how it goes.

BFM

[kissak]

Hey BFM....I was wondering, my H asked me once the question "you would want to have sex with me while I am seeing OW?" Me and my H have done that....while he was with the OW. I tried to act as if it was Just sex....that is what I told him. It was just sex....he would still do that now if I allowed it....didnt you ever feel he was cake eating? Like maybe he was just using you...or did you deep down think he really cared?

I have noticed in the past that while we were sleeping together behind the OW's back (stupid) we would connect better...we would talk more, were more comfortable opening up...it was as if there were no pressures, then when he would come back and try to work on things, it was different....Did you ever feel that way? Did FW?

How did FW feel about doing this behind the OW's back?

Sorry Treese to hijack.....Just some questions I have....

[butterflymom]

Hey BFM....I was wondering, my H asked me once the question "you would want to have sex with me while I am seeing OW?" Me and my H have done that....while he was with the OW. I tried to act as if it was Just sex....that is what I told him. It was just sex....he would still do that now if I allowed it....didnt you ever feel he was cake eating? Like maybe he was just using you...or did you deep down think he really cared?

I second guessed myself and my decision to continue sleeping with him on a nearly daily basis. I was never sure if it was complete cake eating or just partial cake eating. I sometimes felt like there were feelings there (more toward the end than in the beginning), but sometimes I felt totally used. Sometimes I knew I was nothing more than a booty call.

FW says there were times that he felt used by me as well (?!?!?). That was a surprise to me. He said he wasn't sure if I had feelings for him anymore or it I just needed to get laid.

2 months or so before he came home I started getting an indication that there were true feelings there, but I still questioned it.

I have noticed in the past that while we were sleeping together behind the OW's back (stupid) we would connect better...we would talk more, were more comfortable opening up...it was as if there were no pressures, then when he would come back and try to work on things, it was different....Did you ever feel that way? Did FW?

I felt this way, but I knew I was taking a big risk at the same time. It was the small thread that held us together. In hindsight I can definitely see that, but at the time I was doing it I wasn't so sure if it was right or not.

It felt more right to me than wrong and my prayers and the way that I saw God leading me with his still small voice led me to think it was the right thing to do. I prayed about it daily and asked for guidance about whether to keep doing it or not, but something would always happen to make me see I needed to continue on my path.

I could sense FW's confusion. I could see him sometimes teetering on some invisible line. He would open up to me in small ways about his life away (I never asked, always let him lead) and I was getting a little bit of a picture that things away may not be the best. That he missed us, etc.

It’s such an individual decision because all situations are so different. For me, it worked. For you it may or may not.

How did FW feel about doing this behind the OW's back?

He said he felt awful about it. He managed to justify it in his mind because he was still married to me and he somehow justified that it wasn't wrong because of that, but it still ripped him apart. He said he would not have been able to keep it up for a long time. It was bad for his health - mental as well as physical.

Interestingly he said he felt nearly as bad about running around behind her back as he did when he was running around behind my back with her.

I know some guys could probably do it indefinitely with hardly any guilty feelings or remorse. Some guys would be able to cake eat with no problems.

I knew FW well enough (or at least I thought I did) to know that he was not cut out for the life of a cheater. He had much too strong a conscience for that. He was never good at hiding his affair from me (even though he tried) and it literally made him fall apart to try to carry on with the deception. I watched it happen over a period of several months before he left. I was taking a calculated risk that he wouldn't be able to carry on behind her back for too long either and that sex would keep a bond between us when nothing else did. (MWD mentions this in DB as well, but I don't think she recommends it when there is an OP involved.)

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I'm definitely in the MINORITY on them. Good luck.

BFM

[Treese]

Hi BFM;

Did FW ever tell you that even though he was away and didn't contact you that he thought about you often....I don't know how they do it....I mean all these years and act like they don't miss us or think about us....

I was crying last night....hadnt heard from H....and I guess I was lonely....you know I was home crying, lonely.....and he was out doing who knows what with no responsibility...and talking to his kids when he pleased....

D15 is angry says dad doesn't get it....

My H has not interest in me at all.....won't even get close enough to brush by me...and if he has to hand me something...he will drop it in my hand so he doesnt' touch me...

HHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......wish I had a crystal ball.....

And I pray for guidance all the time but I don't know if I'm being answered....maybe my answers are not what I want to hear...
I told my H a while ago that I felt that God wanted me to stay right where I was and do what I was doing but H said, "that's not God talking, it's all you, I'm not in love with you and I can't help the way I feel"...

I am reading the book "the Shack"...it's good so far....


Treese

[kissak]

Thank you BFM....

[Treese]

HI BFM;

I hope you are still around....question for you....

Did your H ever talk to OW in front of you?? or right outside you house?
My H just did it and wow it got to me...I guess when they do that they truly think it's over....maybe that's what he wants me to do....is he trying to make me really mad so I'll go file? I truly suck at this....

I'm in such a depression right now and I'm trying to get out of it but it is so hard...I go to bed like at 8:45, when it's still light out....and I don't want to get up in the morning...I don't want to think about this crap anymore...so if I sleep I won't be thinking about H or OW....Did you ever do this?

Treese