Soul searching and finding my footing

[peaceful_spirit]

Haven't posted in a while. Everytime I started, I felt like I didn't have much to report. But now, I feel that I am struggling.

I have been trying to work on my anxiety and pinic issues with my C over the past few months. I tend to have panic attacks and I've been working so hard to not have them anymore. I go to therapy, I journal, I give myself positve self talk, I set goals for myself. Yet, I feel like i'm not making that much progress. And anyone who has ever dealt with this knows that panic breeds panic. And when you start worrying about having anther panic attack, a panic attack is sure to follow. Panic over having a panic attack. Talk about the chicken and the egg.

Anyway, I've been trying to let my H in a bit more. He knows I've always struggled with this, so it's not news to him. But when he left me two years ago, my panic stuff went out the window becuase i had bigger things to worry about -- my marriage and my family. I became strong and learned how to survive without "needing" him. I didn't have the urge to panic while I was going throug that.

THen last summer I had a few panic attacks (I thought something was wrong with me medically, which is prompted the panic attack). So, that opened back up the flood gates for me. I wated a few months, then decided to go to therapy to once and for all deal with this issue.

So, now that I'm bringing it all to the forefront, and trying SO hard to conquor this issue, I feel like in some ways I'm getting worse. I'm having more frequent bouts of panic, then I get mad at myself for not doing better, then I get down on myslef... then I try VERY HARD to talk myself out of the funk. Ususally, I can do it. I should also note that for some stupid reason, I stopped taking my Lexapro a few weeks ago because I thought I could handle my own emotions now. That seems to be backfiring, as I've been very weekpy and emotional.

Anyway, I've slowly started letting h in. But I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm going through. Two years ago when he left me, one of the reasons he gave (before I found out about the A) was my anxiety. So, I reminded him of that and said that I'm scared to let him in. He is trying - sort of. He just doesn't get it. Everything is black and white with him. He thinks there's a simple solution, like... just don't panic.

I've been really dissapointed with how he's been supporting me (or lack thereof). I feel like my emotional crisis is too much for him to deal with. And I told him this. Of course, he said that wss not true, but I am afraid of the negative impact of my personal journey - and the struggles that come with it - on our M. I asked him last night if he would support me through this, and he said yes. But I could tell he was not as affectionate last night.

So, now i feel like I should stop or minimize "letting him in" and try to deal with my struggles without letting him know how much I am struggling. Put on a happy face.

That said, he is coming with me to my C on Monday so she can explain to him what I'm going through.

I am just afraid of how my struggles are going to impact all the good work H and I have done to be happy and close again.

Any words of advice?