I am SO all over the place, emotionally. Today is a strong day. I feel silly about how I was even feeling last night. I make no sense to myself...blowing around in the wind.
Kids are off with their dad. Not a shred of emotion about it from me. Really. I have work to do around the house and for grad school, so I feel better that I won't be torn between wanting to give them attention and getting things done that need to be done. Nothing about stbx either way. Weird.
It was only yesterday that I was on my knees praying, weeping on and off all day. The only consistent trigger seems to be when I am in proximity to him or talk to him on the phone. Maybe I won't ever be able to do those things again, or not for a very, very long time.
Now, while in the bad place, I asked in-laws and a mutual friend if they would write a letter of their honest opinions, things that they have shared with me, to stbx. Everyone I know has said that they hoped that we would be back together, they see how hard I have tried, the mistakes and selfishness of h, etc.....but also, they have all said that he won't be back--too much ego and pride, too stubborn.
I don't know what I even want anymore. I just spoke with my aunt, and she, like so many others, see this so black-and-white: he can never be trusted again, he hasn't looked back, he is still with the other woman, he has been so nasty, he isn't worth it.... I am so afraid to trust myself at this point. Am I setting myself up for another horrendous blow? Am I projecting what I want him to be, instead of seeing him as he is? Are all my reactions based in what is in the past, what I thought that to be, and not reality?
How much of the man that I love was only an act, a combination of pretending and fairy tale? What was real?
Tonight, I want to wash my hands of this loser who doesn't deserve my love or my heart. Leave it all to business-only email and move on with my life. He had his chances for almost a year. Close the door myself. I have a great life and everything is going to be better than good, with no concessions or hard work on a R/M that someone else is undecided on.
The other part remembers the pain that I don't want to keep falling back into, and the faces of my children as they struggle with something that they should have never had to deal with.
Would it even be worth it to try, at this point? And if not, why go to the trouble of having a joint C session, or having anyone write anything?
So much time and energy, wasted on this mess. Yes, I have grown through it--that part wasn't wasted. But has it really been almost a year since I tossed him out?
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, 22 years since the day we met. Last year, I spent it alone on a river, then watched the same sky (near-constant heat lightening) as the night we met, alone. I looked up and prayed to God that he would find his way back to my heart. I hadn't even discovered the affair, yet. He was knee-deep in lies, sleeping in the basement. He had asked for us not to exchange cards, and if he could be committed to the family and just not me....
He is lost. But it shouldn't be my place to bring him home. He has to WANT it. Like an alcoholic has to want to quit. I'll let slide what is already in place for next week, but for now and the foreseeable future, I have got to move on.
He is no longer my prince, and I have to find a new Happily Ever After.
