You said in your original post: "I thought we had made a non-verbal agreement to just live this way and was OK with it, apparently he felt rejected and was starting to hate me."
See how you assumed that you two had made a non-verbal agreement, but that assumption bit you in the butt? Well, just from reading your sitch, it seems you still don't get the whole picture, but hey - that's normal, it takes time. And also I am sure you have been through a horrible emotional time by discovering his affair, hearing him on the phone with her, etc.
But when you said this in your last post: "I understand that he should get his physical needs met, but shouldn't I also get my emotional needs met?" it makes me think you still aren't "getting it".
Yes, you should get your emotional needs met. But if you shut down and withdraw, how is he supposed to know how to meet them? You said before that you just assumed you and he were both ok with not having sex. This was incorrect, right? So maybe now he is assuming you are ok without having your emotional needs met. He is making a poor assumption but...you have done that before, too. See how easy it is for us to take each other for granted? See how important it is to discuss these things?
Have you gone to marriage counseling? You will both need to learn new skills so you don't fall back into old patterns, and you are going to need some individual counseling to deal with the pain of his affair.
You are right in thinking that the affair was wrong and there is no excusing it. But if you love him and you want this to work, you can't wait for your emotional needs to be met without constant work at making him aware of what they are... and at the same time, constant work at making sure you understand his physical needs and meet them.
As for the mean and horrible things he said to the OW which you overheard on the phone - honey that is horrible and I'm sorry you had to do that. But yes, it is entirely possible that he didn't mean any of it. Try to think of the sex-starved person as being abducted by an alien and a whole new, different personality can come forth and rule that person for a time - especially into an affair. It doesn't excuse him, it is just true for many people who cheat - - they end up being someone they are not, and they don't even recognize themselves later when they snap out of it.
As far as the dating sites - I agree with you that this is a concern. If you two are to rebuild trust, I think there must have to be some boundaries in place...something to discuss in counseling.
Please do not think that you and he can "fix" this on your own without counseling. After I had an affair, my husband tried to forgive me and we both tried to move on. We did well for a few years but...old habits came back, we didn't talk about them, we didn't have any help from any outside resources, and we foolishly thought we were mature enough to handle it on our own.
Divorced now...due to incredibly naive thinking such as that above.
