Retrouvaille

[butterflymom]

Confused,

I know this is hard. We all know this is hard. We’ve all been right where you are now, but please stop looking for solutions. Stop looking for ways to communicate. Stop looking for ways to make her DO anything.

The only person you can change right now is you. Look at her complaints as someone else has said. Look at your marriage. It didn’t get this way overnight. It didn’t get this way only because of her falling for another guy at work. It got this way over time. Both of you contributed. The only thing you can do right now is take care of YOUR part.

Don’t expect her to communicate. Drop all relationship talk unless she initiates. Ever heard of “act as if”?? Act as if everything is fine. Act as if you are OK. Act as if nothing is out of the ordinary right now. Pretend she is a friend and that there are no problems right now and examine your part in this.

What are some 180’s you can do?? Something totally different from the norm. Something that she would never expect you to do. Nothing relationship related things like – do you ever cook dinner? If not, come home and cook dinner for everyone one night. Leave your wet towel on the bathroom floor? Try hanging it up. Perhaps you cater to her every whim and do everything around the house. Try not doing so much (but don’t let yourself live in filth). Never make a decision? Leave all that to her? Start making some. Take some of the burden off her if that is the case.

You get the picture. Do little things for her. Not overt. Not crazy expressing your undying love for her all the time, but little things. I bought my H some special candy that he likes and just acted like I saw it at the store and picked it up because I was there. I framed some pictures of our kids for his office at the same time that I did some for myself. No mushy cards, no fancy gift wrap, just little thoughtful things that seem like no big deal really. Don’t go overboard with these. I would do one every month or less frequently. Anymore and it appears you are trying to win them over with gifts (not good)

Drop all expectations. Stop assuming anything about her interactions with OM. You are most likely wrong anyway. Our imaginations have a tendency to go wild and think up all sorts of crazy things during this time. I laugh about some of the stuff I thought up now that I know the truth.

This is going to take longer than a couple of weeks. This is probably going to take longer than a couple of months. We all come here thinking we are different and that our spouses will be back quicker than others. Drop that expectation. This may even take more than a couple of years. Fasten your seat belt. This is not a fun ride and it’s not a quick on either.

BFM