No truer statement. I am learning everyday more about myself, where I need improvement and where I want to be. This is a lifetime journey - if WAW decides to join, great, if not, I will be having the time of my life - I only get one shot at it!
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Here's a short explanation of the dialogue method. There is a lot more to it than this. I don't really want to describe it in full detail because I want to encourage anyone who is interested in learning it to go to a Retrouvaille weekend and get the full impact of the experience. I don't even know if you could successfully teach yourselves to dialogue and save your marriage, or if it only works because of the larger format in which it is presented. But this is the nitty-gritty of how it works.
Dialoguing is a written conversation technique that is taught at Retrouvaille weekends (www.helpourmarriage.org). Each spouse has a notebook. During the weekend the lead couples give you the questions to dialogue about. But once you go home, you need to choose your own questions. The first step to dialoguing is deciding on a question together. It is usually phrased, "How do I feel about ________?" Both spouses take 10 or 15 minutes to answer the question in their notebook. You are taught at the weekend what kinds of things to say, that is, to talk only about yourself, talk about feelings, not thoughts or beliefs, and lots of other ground rules of writing. Then you exchange notebooks and read what the other has written. You read it twice -- once with your head and once with your heart. And then each spouse takes turns asking the other questions about their feelings. Again, you are taught how to ask questions to elicit feelings, not thoughts. And when you discuss the notebooks you sit close to each other and look each other in the eye.
Dialoguing is a tool that brings couples closer together because they get to understand how the other feels about things without arguing. If you understand how the other feels, and if you care about that person, then you will do things to add to their good feelings and not hurt them.
Retrouvaille is a wonderful program of self-help taught by other couples who have been there, been through the misery of an unhappy marriage, but have healed their marriages. They show you how they did it. Then it is up to you and your spouse to follow the path they show you. Dialoguing is something they suggest you do daily.
It is for couples that are willing to go to the weekend with an open mind and a willing heart. (Usually, one partner is much more willing than the other). If you want to improve your communication within the marriage, then this program is for you. It saved my marriage and changed my husband and myself people. We are both less self-centered and just nicer to each other than were before. All married people should learn what they teach at Retrouvaille weekends.
Perhaps this will spark more conversation. This was in my local newspaper today.
You want to know about the mystery of the week. You want to know: How did the naked maid steal $40,000 in jewelry? I mean, where did she stash it?
I'm sure you read the story about the 50-year-old man who hired a nude maid to clean his house in Cheval while his wife was away on vacation last Friday. Or at least it was his house before his wife got home.
According to the article, the man hired the woman from a nude maid service online. I didn't even know they had such things, but it certainly seems like a reliable enough way to get a good cleaning service.
Describing what happened later to sheriff's deputies, he said the maid showed up in a one-piece dress, took it off and went to work cleaning the house.
The $100-an-hour agreement was to clean all four bedrooms and three baths.
It isn't clear whether she was supposed to strip down the linens or just her dress. She also probably didn't do windows but was otherwise able to handle anything that needed a good buff.
Cleaning Up And Cleaning Out
Anyhow, the maid went right to work. The man, obviously impressed at her ability to polish everything in sight, says he kept an eye on her all the while she was there, except for one brief moment when he left her alone in one of the bedrooms, probably to get more soap.
When she finished, she dressed and left.
It was not until later when his wife came home and found the house sparkly clean with no empty pizza boxes or beer cans around that she must have figured something was up. Looking further, she discovered that $40,000 in jewelry was missing,
That's when the man, obviously trying to get his wife's mind off the missing valuables, said that it must have been the naked maid who not only tidied up the house but cleaned out the jewelry box.
Keep Your Shirt On
Personally, I don't know whether I buy this one. I've never had the Frau take a vacation by herself, but she has gone off to the mall with friends to go shopping and not come back until well after dark, giving me plenty of time to mess up the house. Usually she calls when she's about 20 minutes out, giving me time to dump everything in black trash bags and tidy up the house enough that I can blame the rest on the dogs.
I really never gave much thought to bringing in a maid, much less a naked one. We've had a few workers around over the years and even a couple of cleaning ladies, although I'm not so sure I would want any of them to show up naked.
Frankly I think the guy was just trying to surprise his wife and do a good turn by bringing in a cleaning service. Lots of people around here, at least from some of the stories I've been reading lately, like to work without any clothes on.
At least, the sheriff's office apparently has a good lead as the victim was able to describe the maid in some detail.
I have been reading so many post here over that last 6 months. You have continually come up as a wonderfully upbeat person who keeps inspiring hope in others. It was because of many of your different post on Retro that I brought the idea up to my H. Unfortunately, his not interested now that he has OW. Anyway, would you please take a look at my threat because I need some advise from someone who has made it through this storm. Thank you for being such an inspiration.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Thank you for your advise. It was sound and very helpful. Yes, I hate that they took the edit function away. I tend to type fast in order to get my thoughts out and so I get alot of typos.
I have a question for you about Retro. You have always spoken so highly of it. Have you and your H thought about being one of the counciling couples for the program. You have such a generous heart and have helped so many people here. I did not know if you had thought about it.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Thank you BH. We have talked about it. It takes a lot of preparation. You have to write your story in a certain format. He has a very high pressure job and doesn't see himself spending his free time working on his story. Honestly, he is kind of a shy guy. He is fine opening up to me, but I can't see him being really open for hours in front of a room full of people. We volunteer at Retrouvaille by meeting the couples when they come in on Friday night and showing them to their rooms. We try to put them at ease. He is good at that. For now that is where we fit in.
The story about the married man, the nude maid and the missing jewelry is "coming up" soon on the M & J show this morning that is on right now (8:40cmt)
Most people here agree that he is trying to scam his insurance company with this stupid story. But one man wrote on the tbo.com comment on the news thread that he lives on the same street with the man, and he is so stupid that the story is probably true.
