Can it REALLY change?

[Bagheera]

Greetings 7 Year Itch,

I AM very attracted to my husband and I DO like sex. Up until the bomb was dropped I was one of "those" women that believed it was purely physical for him, I didn't truly have an understanding of the emotional need it filled for him. That he needed that to feel love with me. I knew of course we didn't have sex as much as he would've liked, but I truly had no understanding the damage it did to our intimacy for him.

Bless you, woman! You're now one of the enlightened few. Have you communicated this realization clearly with your H?

He feels maybe I'd have more drive for awhile, but that things would go back to the way they are.

He's somewhat right, if he's not willing to do his part to fix the relationship also. In order for your physical desire for him to remain strong, he must be willing to take responsibility for his part in the problems, and do something to fix them.

One of the hardest things for the rejected HD partner to realize is that they have usually played a large role in creating the problem. They are so focused on their own pain, that they fail to see the pain they have caused to their spouse -- and the resulting lack of desire. Your H must be willing to shoulder some of responsibility for the situation, and then work to repair the damage. Else his fear that things will revert back to the way they were will become self-fulfilling prophecy.

He's so resolved on the divorce at this point, it doesn't matter what I say. Are there any sources or books I could point him to that really show how these things CAN be overcome. I think he needs to hear it from someone other than me.

First, get a paperback copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage and have him read it, cover to cover. It's short, and can be read in an evening (or two). It's the most concise and to-the-point coverage of the topic that I have yet found, and covers each spouse's perspective nicely.

Second, send him here, and have him look at my threads in particular, along with some of the other success stories. They're here, and the key component to them is when BOTH SPOUSES are willing to work on the problem, particularly the LD partner. Without going into detail, my wife is in the process of dealing with some of the same issues that you are, and is doing so successfully. But it's not a one-sided thing: I have to do my part and work just as hard at fixing the relationship. Your H doesn't realize how lucky he is that you're willing to work the issue and do all you can to fix the problem --> there's a bunch of guys here who would do darn near anything to have their own wives reach that same epiphany.

Hang in there, and take care,

Bagheera