Where do...I...go from here?

[momof2girls]

Hi T,
I don't suggest that you respond at all until you have legal counsel. I know all the "unsaids" are dying to come out...good idea to write the email and post it here instead of sending it to H.

If OW is pushy and is forcing his hand in the writing of the emails and progression of the D, then I would not send it because she will read it...add her two cents worth and your words will be misinterpreted. Don't put yourself through all that.

I know (because H told me) that OW pushed him into filing for D so rapidly. H had to do all the work because I would not help. When I met with my L, I made it perfectly clear that I did not want a D.

None of your H's financial problems are your fault. Too bad that he has to take loans in order to support himself. He chose this way of life. A judge is not going to care (at least in my state) if H lives off credit cards and loans.

I guess all I can say is to bite your tongue for now, do not let him guilt you into settling on anything until you have a L. Tell him you have made no decisions regarding any financial or divorce matters. Say it nicely and leave it at that.

I understand how stressful this is, I have been there. Rest assured that you are the stronger one and will be the one to be ok in the long run....

It is up to H to have a relationship with the kids, you can't force it. Again, this is not your fault, and really has nothing to do with you at all.

H will begin to experience consequences with his life choices.

Stay strong T, we are here for you!

[tpaschal]

Jeanette,

Thanks for the hugs. Right back atcha! Hope you are staying strong and positive.

[tpaschal]

Mrs. H,

Yes, they are both donkeys, aren't they?

On the child support thing---they are still trying to exert control in every way that they can, even by trying to make us THINK they are in control of the child support amount. Do they really think we can't read a legal document? Do they really think we don't know the truth for ourselves---that it is NOT up to them at all!

Actually, what my H doesn't seem to realize (and I'm not going to clue him in) is that since our kid's standard of living has been considerably higher than what the standard amount of child support will allow, I can ask for a much larger amount. (Actually, maybe he does know it and thinks he's pulling the wool over my eyes by offering to be so generous as to pay the "maximum amount.") I may not get more, but I can ask and the judge will certainly consider it seeing as he is a doctor.

Thanks for the info. on the life insurance. In Texas I don't think he HAS to provide one, but I've already asked for it and he agreed (verbally, anyway), but I will make sure it is available as child support and not just stuck sitting in a trust account if something were to happen to him while the kids are still young.

I won't send that particular letter, but I have to respond somehow, even if it's to say that I can't discuss it right now. Any good ideas?

[tpaschal]

Hi T,
I don't suggest that you respond at all until you have legal counsel. I know all the "unsaids" are dying to come out...good idea to write the email and post it here instead of sending it to H.

I'm not sure when or how I'm going to be able to afford legal counsel. H is using that to try to force me to settle. I told him, no way, that he has representation and so I wasn't going to negotiate anything with him until I have representation.

If OW is pushy and is forcing his hand in the writing of the emails and progression of the D, then I would not send it because she will read it...add her two cents worth and your words will be misinterpreted. Don't put yourself through all that.

You are right, but it sometimes just burns so badly to be made the scapegoat for EVERYTHING that EVER went wrong in his ENTIRE LIFE!!!! Ya know?

I know (because H told me) that OW pushed him into filing for D so rapidly. H had to do all the work because I would not help. When I met with my L, I made it perfectly clear that I did not want a D.

I know this is the case with this OW, too, though H has not told me. I made it clear to my first L that I did not want a D and wouldn't do anything to speed it along, but look where I am now. A huge lawyer bill with nothing to show for it, and no money to hire a new one.

The laws in Texas suck. If I do nothing, the judge would eventually grant a divorce anwyay, and I would be left with NOTHING.

A judge is not going to care (at least in my state) if H lives off credit cards and loans.

I so, SO hope this is the case. I want my L to make the argument that H should not be allowed to cash out the retirement accounts to pay for a practice evaluation since he does make a doctor's salary every month! If he has to save up for a few months to be able to pay for it to be done, tough cookies!

I guess all I can say is to bite your tongue for now, do not let him guilt you into settling on anything until you have a L. Tell him you have made no decisions regarding any financial or divorce matters. Say it nicely and leave it at that.

Guilt me into it? No. Bully me or manipulate me into because of my own fears? Maybe. Right now he is offering to let me have all of the equity in the house to put a downpayment on a new house, but if I waste more money on the divorce and force the evaluation (his words), then he won't be able to be that generous. And the truth is, the practice may not be worth that much, so am I shooting myself in the foot if I go the more expensive route and end up getting only 50 or 60% of the equity in the house?

Where's a crystal ball when you need one???

Stay strong T, we are here for you!

Thanks, Momof2. I appreciate all of you guys.

[glamgirl]

Hi H,

Thanks for your e-mail. I am reviewing it and will get back to you.

Hope all is well.

Tpaschal

[glamgirl]

What you want to say and what you should say are two different things. It is understood your pain and anger and loss of family etc. That is the last thing h wants to hear or respond well to. Even if ow read it, do you really think it would make a difference?