The anger and insults (spewage) come from guilt. And, ironically, fear that he is losing you. (Your H has always been one of the most conflicted; honestly, almost any guy who really wanted to be with OW would be living with her by now. He stays put because he doesn't want to let go of the safety net of your R.)
Have you tried this? let H know he needs to be home X night with D because you will be going out. Then don;t come home - all night - or come home at 3 am. Let him wonder where YOU are for a change.
Why is it hard for you to be unreachable? Couldn't you just let the answering machine at your home and cell phone pick up and then only respond if it's an emergency?
I have a question for you. Telling your XH2B off. Is it making you feel better? Do you come away feeling good about it? Is it helping YOU? If this is helping you heal and feel better then go ahead and do it, but if you end up later feeling just as bad, why bother? Your XH2B should be completely "off your radar." You should be focusing on entirely on yourself and what helps you to heal. He should be like a renter/babysitter at your house. You should have no emotional feelings towards him either way. Let those go. HE doesn't matter!!!! It's all about YOU. Go out, have fun. Unless the "babysitter" is having a problem ignore his calls. Let the "babysitter" take care of it. Don't tell him any details about your life or what you are doing. He should be like some unimportant renter staying in your house. Ignore him!!! Start living your own life!!!!
Well, 10 years ago you were a happy young bride (gag me), but now you have an opportunity to be something else!!! How exciting!!! Sheesh go buy some sexy clothes and arrange to go out dancing tonight with some girlfriends. Go have a chocolate martini!!! In spirit I'll be there with you, clinking the glass and saying "Cheers!"
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Telling your XH2B off. Is it making you feel better?
I'm not really "telling him off" but stating my opinion on some stuff.. calmly, of course.. And he!! yes I feel better that I'm finally being heard!
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
He should be like a renter/babysitter at your house. You should have no emotional feelings towards him either way. Let those go. HE doesn't matter!!!! ...Don't tell him any details about your life or what you are doing. He should be like some unimportant renter staying in your house. Ignore him!!! Start living your own life!!!!
Thanks ROOT.. Those are words I needed to hear!
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Well, 10 years ago you were a happy young bride (gag me)
Ok.. give me a break .. I certainly deserve to be a bit melancholy today...
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
In spirit I'll be there with you, clinking the glass and saying "Cheers!"
If it helps you feel better and heal, it's a good thing.
Yes you definitely deserve a little meleancholy. We oftentimes go into our marriages (particularly these first marriages) with this idealism and trust and it's very sad how it gets stompped on, and shattered. I know I've personally struggled with this....
I remember one of my friends saying that during her divorce she saw a young woman being fitted at a store for her wedding gown and she wanted to shout, "It's a sham!!! In 20 years he's going to leave you for his secretary!"
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I remember one of my friends saying that during her divorce she saw a young woman being fitted at a store for her wedding gown and she wanted to shout, "It's a sham!!! In 20 years he's going to leave you for his secretary!"
LOL! You think that is bad? I want to shout to all couples around me "He's cheating on you!!!"
You are doing great olive. Having your calm opinion heard is a good thing, gives you control. I learned that loudly going off on H makes us both miserable, and H pushes back. Not pretty. But when I am calm, he listens. Keep it up!
It is sad that when I look around, all these people are getting divorced. The news just report who's having an affair. I see friends who complain about their husbands and I see signs of possible midlife crisis. Some of these people I am only friends with, but not very close, and I feel bad not saying much. I sometimes want to tell them, "watch your husband, he is going to cheat on you. But you know, if he is in midlife crisis, it will happen and there is not much you can do to prevent it." I usually just try to give a little bit of advice like "Well, if he really wants that sport car, let him buy it. It's only money."
I do that, too OC.. Anyone who is talking on their cell phone in a secluded spot MUST be having an A!!
My stbx has definately shown that he has moved on and is darn happy with his new family. So happy that he and ow had a family party at her house!!!!! The D is not even final and H's family is so obviously FINE with it all... What is wrong with these people??? Have they no loyalty? Do they not know right from wrong?!
On the other side is my getting crazier every day Mother. I try to calmly explain to her the D process and that you have to negotiate stuff... You don't end up with everything you want but have to pick your battles. She thinks that H is such a horrible father (for reason that aren't even true) and that he should rarely get to see his own D! I swear sometimes I am sitting in the middle of this strange pi$$ing match between my Mom and stbxh.
Try not to give your mom too much information. Parents can be so overprotective (even of us adult kids!). Just to spare her from this emotional distress don't give too many details. Remember when you were a teenager and hid information from her? Well this MLC thing is almost like reliving the teen years all over again! :-(
Take care and focus more on YOU than STBX. Things always sound perfect and idealic (like we imagine our neighbor's lives to be), but everyone's lives has cracks and imperfections. They will have them too. Very few people live perfect lives. (But it may seem darn perfect in the beginning of a relationship!). I'm sure H's family is probably disappointed and worried, but they will back and support their son regardless of whether what he's doing is right or wrong. My in-laws did the same thing. Also, keep in mind, the STBXs tend to paint an ugly picture of us. Just try not to take any of it personal and focus on making your life great.... GAL more!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
