Thanks to all who have given such great insight - I really do appreciate it! For more background the OW is someone he has know from work who got divorced, is a total flirt and has had multiple affairs (H did not know that, thought he was special I guess). Lunch a couple of times, lots of phone calls and sex 2 times (so he says). I had some evidence and asked if he was having an A, he denied and lied to my face for about 4 weeks while he was planning next hook up with her.
As far as what was said, it is mostly in regards to phone calls that I overheard. I was shocked that he would be talking on his work phone discussing what he wanted to do in bed and how he can't stop thinking about her body parts, I love you, etc. when he hasn't said a word to me for nearly 5 years. The most damaging is the hate and/or anger in his voice when he spoke of me. Saying he would like to make money for her, but no f*&king way for me, I never give him sh*t, that I'm reading books to work on our marriage but it's a joke. His reply to me is that he was only talking that way because it was for sex, not love (although at the time he wasn't sure)and there were no plans or thoughts for the future. The way I see it is if I was having an A with someone else I don't think I would ever mention my H - so maybe he did still want me subconciously-who knows?
He has tried very hard to reconcile with me, but whenever get angry and disgusted I start to shut him out (yes, I have withheld again) I find him looking at porn or dating sites which makes me see him as the "pervert" (mean I know). I have read Debbie Ford's book (When Good People Do Bad Things) and her explanation makes some sense. We are all hurt in some ways (mostly rejection) and whatever that form of rejection is, that becomes how you act out. Example 1-wife withholds sex, so when feel rejected you go to other women, porn etc to comfort you, but makes the problem worse. Example 2 - you feel rejected for your weight, so you end up eating to make yourself feel better and soothe the pain. Meanwhile you have no idea why you sabotage yourself and do the things you do?
