He's "done". Period.

[naya26]

Chris - congrats on your first day of true progress! Build on it and each day will get easier. Detaching is absolutely critical. I bet your H felt more at ease for a day because you didn't have any R talk. Focus on YOU.

You are going to feel rushed because your heart is still "shocked" and recovering from the bomb your H dropped on you. It's natural to feel that way and it too will pass with time. Make a list of the things you want to work on to help maintain your focus. The list will help tremendously because the emotional rollercoaster you're currently on will tug at your focus and often you will have to fight yourself to stay on target. Set some shor-term goals and pat yourself on the back when you acheive each one. It will greatly help your confidence and motivate you to continue on. Remember...the ONLY thing you can truly change is YOU. Therefore, focus all your energy on YOU and you'll be amazed what you can do.

As for the in-laws...that's a tricky one. In the midst of my crisis, I had a major breakdown and went and saw my in-laws. They were somewhat clued in on the problems the W and I were having but had no idea the severity. I told them as much as I could but they didn't offer much advice because they were in partial shock and they don't have a healthy marriage so they weren't exactly "experts". I think the best thing to do is be honest and keep it simple. Let them know you love your H and you are committed to the M. Do not complain or speak negatively about your H in any way. Do not ask them what you should do because any advice they give you will always be biased...afterall, your H is their son.

[klm]

Chris, you sound a lot better than I did 6 weeks into this.

The D process in TX was fast too. I think I told you only 60 days after filing, my H said he was 110% sure when he filed and then withdrew on the final day. It is frustrating, but he hasn't filed so try to quit worrying about that right now. Don't bring it up, don't ask him if he is going to, don't do anything that will push him to. If he does, he does, but

I bet your H felt more at ease for a day because you didn't have any R talk.

This is so true. If you H feels like he is going to have to have a R talk everytime he sees you...then he will avoid seeing you. R talks are usually very draining for both parties. Part of the idea behind no R talks is so that your H will feel comfortable and safe around you. You will have to eventually have them if you begin to reconcile, but now is not the time.

I think going out Saturday is great. It will create some mystery and drive your H crazy!

I contacted my inlaws. I am very close to them so I think it just depends on the R you have. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I would just say don't bash him to them, he is still thier son no matter what...but they can be a good support system for you too.

[7 Year Itch]

So yesterday was easy to LRT and I still screwed it up a bit. ACK! What is my problem?? Anyway, back on the wagon today.

H worked all day and into the night on an off duty job, so didn't even walk in the door until 10pm. Should have been easy to avoid him, no? No, I screw it up by talking about health insurance issues, and how I'm now nervous an elective surgery I had planned to have will now be considered a prexisting condition when I have to switch insurances. I am off his insurance the day the divorce is final. He wants to file in like 3 weeks, so just doing the math, that is not going to last into Fall, which is when I had planned to have the surgery for optimal scheduling reasons. I brought it up as it's one thing that hadn't been brought up yet, but I had been talking about for awhile. WHY did I do that?? I'm an idiot.

OK< back to square one AGAIN! Take 4 or 5 now? LOL

Oh well. I'm taking my girls for a picnic lunch today to the park. After that we'll do some grocery shopping. Then we'll all have dinner tonight, then I have PLENTY of weeding in my garden to do tonight ,so I think I can sufficiently avoid him. Then most of tomorrow should be nice and busy and I can stay away too. Sunday should be easy as well as I'll have church in the morning with the girls, then by the time we get home he'll be gone on an off duty job for the day. So I'll just have to get through that night. Weekends are harder because we are around each other so much more.

I think I'm going to go see the Sex and the City movie this Sat. night with my girlfriend, then go to a wine bar in town that has nice acoustic blues music. Should be fun. I plan to come home from my hair cut and waxing on Sat, get myself ALL gussied up then leave. Not planning on telling him what I'm doing and with who. And usually when I go out with my girls it's casual (jeans and a sweater, or fleece kinda deal), so I'm purposely going to DO it up. I figure at the very least, it could be nice to have someone glance my way at the bar. I could use a self esteem boost these days.

Chris

[shatteredheart31]

H worked all day and into the night on an off duty job, so didn't even walk in the door until 10pm. Should have been easy to avoid him, no? No, I screw it up by talking about health insurance issues, and how I'm now nervous an elective surgery I had planned to have will now be considered a prexisting condition when I have to switch insurances. I am off his insurance the day the divorce is final. He wants to file in like 3 weeks, so just doing the math, that is not going to last into Fall, which is when I had planned to have the surgery for optimal scheduling reasons. I brought it up as it's one thing that hadn't been brought up yet, but I had been talking about for awhile. WHY did I do that?? I'm an idiot.

Chris,

I don't think you screwed up really bad by talking to him about this. To me, this is one of those things that's considered the business of life...but that's just me. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Have fun at your picnic today!

[klm]

Well, it happens to all of us. You are not an idiot. Although I don't think what you are describing is that bad. What did he say when you brought it up? Why does he say he wants to file in 3 weeks? Just curious as to why he wants to wait 3 weeks if he is so intent on doing it.

The only bad thing about bringing it up is he may see it as a desperate attempt from you to have him hold off on filing. When you asked him to leave did you ask him to use it as a "trial separation"? Something like you could separate and if in 3 months (or whatever) he still feels the same way then he can file? He may not be receptive to that though, my H wasn't. He was DETERMINED!

Sounds like you have a great weekend planned!!!! A glance your way at the bar will be great for your PMA! Have a great time.

[7 Year Itch]

The only bad thing about bringing it up is he may see it as a desperate attempt from you to have him hold off on filing. When you asked him to leave did you ask him to use it as a "trial separation"? Something like you could separate and if in 3 months (or whatever) he still feels the same way then he can file? He may not be receptive to that though, my H wasn't. He was DETERMINED!

This is exactly how I think he took it. Although he said he'd be willing to talk about it. He said he still wants to file (I've tried suggesting the trial separation thing, and he's determined there is no reason for it, because he KNOWS he won't change his mind). He said I should get the surgery this summer, but I have no idea how I'd do it with recovery and kids out of school. Not to mention that I'll have to wear heavy thick support stockings afterwards. Always nice and comfy in 100 degree heat (another reason I planned on Fall/Winter for the surgery).

UGH. Oh well. Can't reverse it now. Kris, my H is as determined as it sounds yours was. He's like NOW. The reason he's not filing for a few weeks is because I told him once he files he cannot be in the house, and the place he originally had lined up to go fell through. So I did have the whole move out talk with him, and he is going to, but he now is working on lining up a new place to stay. He thinks it'll take a few weeks, then he'll file. He really doesn't want to have me served and I can tell is really resentful that he's being "forced" to do something that will inflict pain on me, and probably in the presence of thegirls. He doesn't get why I won't just sign the papers and let him file them so I don't put myself through that. I know he doesn't get it. And yes, I probably will be a basket case watching every car coming up the road, wondering if THAT is the process server. But I just cannot file as a co petitioner. He says he says, Co Petitioner/Respondant(of course he's had the forms ready) so if I sign with him I can still be a Respondant like I would be if I'm served.

I don't know, maybe I am being stubborn. I'm just going to make it harder on him, and myself more miserable by being served. But I just feel like this moral obligation to my vows, myself, my kids, GOD NOT to at all be proactive in ending this.

I don't know. I told him to please notify me BEFORE he files so I can prepare and he promised he would. Who knows, maybe once I know it's really going to come, I'll change my mind. I just don't know.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Leaving with the girls for our picnic in a half hour so that should be fun.

Hey, if anyone coming in here has any Sex Issue advice, I posted a thread in that Forum, and would love your input!

Chris

[klm]

(I've tried suggesting the trial separation thing, and he's determined there is no reason for it, because he KNOWS he won't change his mind).

Yep, heard that. Let me tell you from experience that you can't convince him that he MIGHT change his mind. Just makes him more determined. However, have you thought about telling him if he tries the sep and waits x amount of months/weeks....and still feels the same way...then you will sign the papers?

He said I should get the surgery this summer, but I have no idea how I'd do it with recovery and kids out of school.

Ok, so he offered a solution. If you don't entertain this idea then you may be seen as unreasonable. Think about all the reasons you don't want to do it then and discuss it with him. Who will take care of the kids, etc. If the both of you can find solutions to these obstacles then you may need to go ahead and do it. If you can't find solutions then you made your case better and maybe he will see that you are being reasonable.

I do think you should stand your ground on the D, unless he makes some sort of compromise with you (trial sep). I would say don't make it any easier for him than it already is.

Have fun on your picnic!!

[7 Year Itch]

Yes, I think we'll have to talk about it more. I REALLY want the surgery, but I have to admit it's also somewhat a hope that he'd let me wait until fall knowing what's involved. But I know he wants out NOW, so doubt that will happen.

So question. Hope this isn't too personal, but hey this whole BOARD is personal right? What do you do when you are still in the SAME house and your are horney as all get out? I know he'd be STUNNED (being that he thinks I'm some sexless person) to hear that. I've done ALL the initiating the last several weeks, but my 180's (no I didn't do a lot before) are viewed as too little too late. He has always "risen" to the occasion, but then feels guilty, and gets pissy because of the guilt afterwards everytime. YEs, I'm reaching out, but I honestly want him. It's not just some ploy to get him back.

Anyway, we just got the kids to bed, I had a glass of wine with dinner ,and all I want to do is jump him ,but i know that's not exactly part of the LRT. So here I sit on DB instead, hoping you'll all talk some sense into me! LOL

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

So where were you when I needed you? LOL

Um yeah. Guess what happened. At least this time he didn't get all sullen and pouty afterwards claiming this "cannot happen again". And I hardly had to twist his arm. I made a suggestive joke and next thing I know there we were.

WE laid there and talked for awhile, and now he is back downstairs. I cannot believe we can have a nice dinner, chat, do that, and it's still divorce full steam ahead.

I'm not going to discuss R though, nope......... just going to take it for what it was. A moment.

I really at this point should be listed as the biggest LRT failure EVER!

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Well, yesterday was ok. NOthing earth shattering. I went to get my hair cut and it turned out good. Then went out with my friend. I wanted to jump H when I got home, but I was good and didn't. He was up in our bed because our d2 comes in everynight, and I knew she'd freak if she came into our room and no one was there (he has been sleeping downstairs). So he fell asleep in here. I woke him up to let him know I was home, and was surprised when he asked how my night was, but then stayed laying there.

Of course it was too good to be true though, because then D2 woke up about 3:30am and came in and when she did that, she came in bed and he got up and went downstairs.

This morning I was getting ready for church and H told me he liked my hair and that it looked good so that is nice. But unfortunately for lots of others that would seem like a mega positive, with him I'm not taking ANYTHING he says great. Because he does still say nice things to me, tells me I'm a great Mom, tells me he thinks I'm a good person. He's just matter of fact that he no longer loves me, and knows he never will again. Poof.

I swear that is what is just killing me, is that I read stories on here with people rebuilding from FAR worse than where we have been. Yes my H just "doesn't have anymore to give?".

There are times I just want to freakin' shake him and say "WAKE up and GROW A SET!". I know that's sounds AWFUL and, I really do totally feel awful for the pain he's been in. For the lack of love he felt. And I do take responsibility for that. I truly do. But I just want to say.......... OK, then. Let's FIX THIS! NOW!

Why don't they get it? Why does he insist that the divorce road is the BETTER (I think he thinks easier) road to take?

Chris