Waw At full speed

[faithisbelieving]

Hijacking...sorry....if you see this 25yearsMLC...stop by. FIB

[tomcat65]

Well ((J))I think I know why Im looking at the dating sites.It is just giving me hope for the future,if nothing goes right.Im not doing anything,talking or other wise.I wont not even close to that yet.

Dont worry your posts are a great help,its nice of you to take the time out of your sitch to talk to me!

I so wish there was someway I could help you out too!

The only real problem is my sons are getting even madder at W,I keep having to calm them down,when they bump into her!

Its getting harder and harder to calm them down!My middle son wants to hit her.Not nice!My oldest,who she was getting along with ,now wants to go damage OMs house.

Its getting crazy,we were such a close family,I always preached family first to them!

I really am trying to difuse this but it just getting worse!

Trying real hard to not give up,I just dont know how to do this!

I really hope she wakes up because,I still love her and I want my family back someday!! Thanks again Michael

[tomcat65]

Weel called W today to tell her the tax money was in ,she asked me if I got mine.Chatted for awhile.Nothing big,never asked how the boys were arggg!!!Shes in her on world and it really pisses me off

SORRY TO RAMBLE,but i cant figure out how a mother doesnt care for her family!!

[25yearsmlc]

TC,

She cares. She is scared s---less that she'll be rejected by them, because she DOES feel guilt. Unless she really is insane, (needing commitment) and I don't think she is because she's functioning in the outside world. Confused, "crazy", mixed up, YES. But she cares about the boys and is terrified her selfishness has hurt them too much for them to forgive her, ever. That's the only way I can understand it, but it's usually disappearing dads. I mean the ones who once loved their kids, played with and cared for and loved their kids, and then disappeared. (As opposed to the ones who never wanted to be dads, but the OTHER good ones, who changed and just fell off the face of the earth never to be heard from again. How could they do that to their kids and how could they do that to THEMSELVES? Such loss on both sides).

For those, and I've known a few, the guilt INcreases with time, so it is actually harder for them to pick up the phone as the years add up, and eventually they think it's a lost cause. Sometimes they don't want to disrupt the kids lives intruding belatedly and reminding them of the hurt they caused their own kids. Sometimes it is the selfless thing to do, once all that damage has been done. But I also think it's a cop out and a coward's attempt to explain.

But I think there are a lot who just can't handle facing the damage they've done, or the possible rejection they'll face when they show up 10 years later wanting a hug and a "new relationship" and want to "patch things up" as if it's a wound that needs covering. Or the dad who was never there, unless it was an official event, like a wedding (that he won't pay for, but wants to walk her down the aisle, or DID pay for and did his fatherly duties by check). MY question is again, HOW??

RE: Son's anger.....a toughie cuz they're entitled to be enraged, but just because it's natural doesn't make it healthy. Since YOU are trying hard to forgive, or at least not let the anger consume you, (which would be letting her ruin YOUR life), you can demonstrate this to your sons. Remember that your healing, and their healing, and letting go of the anger is FOR YOU. It has nothing to do with W, and she doesn't ever have to know. Forgiving her is a private internal matter. It's a healthy healing gift you MUST give yourself and your boys, by modelling it.
To put it in terms the boys may accept more, if they're miserable with their anger, then they're letting her "win", for lack of a better phrase. For now, assume she is in the Australian bush and cannot be reached... it does get better.

Good luck my friend,
J

PS FIB, I couldn't find you til now! Thanks for "calling" & I will check in tomorrow, Sunday. Hope all is well....enough.
((( j- )))

[tomcat65]

Well ((J)),read something today from smart cookie,that just totally blew me away!!

Its like I was hit with lightning!It made me really understand how much pain my W really is in.It fits right together with your posts to me like it is one big picture puzzle come together.

If and when I see W again,before she leaves,Im going to tell her I now understand about the pain,Im sorry I caused you so much pain without realizing it.I hope some day you can forgive me.

And thats all no R talk just that.Its just really weird I couldnt put this all together,guess i was in a fog

Take care J-Michael

[25yearsmlc]

Hey TC,

fwiw, I did tell my h that I was sorry for the things I did that hurt him, or the things I didn't do for him. I told him if I had to do things all over again, I'd do many things differently. Today, I try to remind myself of that when we get into old destructive patterns. Lots of it has to do with forgiving and letting go of the past, not reading into things but taking words at face value (although IN the MLC you may have to totally ignore their words and watch their actions), and cutting each other some slack.

My MIL has advanced cancer and h is a doctor, and the oldest of two children, both boys. So h is definitely having a hard year and I know we're going to have to deal with some deep sadness. But as I recall my father's death over a decade ago, I see it as the biggest event of my life, other than motherhood. Now, it's MY job to be the "strong one" and one thing I know after all this DBing, is that I AM stronger than I knew.

One thing that is going on is that h is taking a leave of absence to go be with his mom, at my suggestion. It'll cost a fortune in lost dollars, but it's the right thing to do. What's the point of being a doctor if you can't care for your terminally ill mom?

You are stronger than you know. Just Own your wrongs but don't dwell on them. Let them go, forgive yourself. You deserve to be happy and so do your sons, and someday soon you will be. You'll have to lead the way.
(( j ))

[tomcat65]

Thanks again ((J)),Well W called six times yesterday before i got her message,called back nobody home,ended up calling me at work.

she asked if she was still on the medical insurance,told her,yes you are.She should know that its one of the conditions,she had put in the agreement?

Gave her all the information,asked if she was all right,said she has an ear infection.Told her the pharmacy we allways went to should still have all her info.

She said she was gooing to the free clinc,so she must be out of money again.

Then asks if i packed up anymore of her stuff?Told her no,but i noticed her voice changed to a nervous tone.This has happened the last two times she asks about anything else but bussiness?

Anyways she got right off the phone after that,still nothing about how kids,me or anything else is doing,seems like she is scared or something now,kind of unnerving to me!

Makes me nervous but i dont know why?

Just kind of rambling,Thanks Michael

[tomcat65]

((J)) I hope your H willdo alright with M its alful nice your are going to stand with him like that and let him take the time off!!He is lucky to have you.

My update,I talked to W about six weeks ago and said you better start trying to talk to the kids before this situation gets out of control.

Well,now it is out of control-Car that W has now,Had my sons brand new stereo from christmass in itToday he went down and tore it out to put in his used truck whitch he just got!He didnt ask W or nothing!

W called house-Im at work-Youngest son answers,W chewed him out,but he didnt know what was going on,so after a couple minutes of her yelling,he just hung up!

Boy,I have a feeling this is going to be a great day tommorrow!This is going to be one Hell of a mess.

[tomcat65]

Well,found out the rest of the story,guess the two oldest boys went to Ws work asked for the keys and took the stereo out right in the parking lot!

Of course they got into it again and she said the same thing to them.Why dont you ever call me!!How can she be this blind!!This is the same person who doesnt ever call her sons!!It has been well over a month,And last time i checked she was their mother,shouldnt it be her resposibility!!

This woman is going to drive me crazy!She relly cant see anything!Damn fog or aliens,I dont know-Mike

[tomcat65]

Well W called one of my sons best friends,to talk to his wife .She is 36 years old.W has no female friends close to her own age.

She asked her how the kids are doing,but she wouldnt tell me anything else,because i told her i didnt want to know.

She doesnt want to get caught in the middle,but W asked if she could come up and talk with her soon.

Dont know if it guilt now or what.not really hoping on any level,as nutty as she is acting now.

But i am still hanging in there for everythinng to still to get to piecing some day?