He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[No Longer BH]

This is long so please be patient with me. Here's my sitch. My husband and I were highschool sweethearts. We married when we were twenty-one. At twenty three his mother passed away with cancer. I suffered from infertility so we did not have our child until we had been married for 8 years. Thigs were going along wonderfuly in our relation. All of our friends said we were the perfect couple, he was truly my best friend and soul mate. About four years ago my husband's grandmother moved in so that "we" could take care of her. It became very obvious that there was no we, but just me. After two and half years of being a care taker to her, my young son and my husband while attending college full time, I became physically exhausted. I could not do it any more. The fighting began. He did not want her in a nursing home and I could not take care of her. Finally, after her last trip to the hospital and me refusing to lift her out of bed every 2 hours, my husband worked from home for a month to nurse her back and saw that she needed to be in a nursing home.

Now is when he starts to shut me off and stop talking to me. Words like "Your too broken to love" and "You are a burden to me" are spewed at me (I have MILD narcolpsy, never been a big issue before, just need naps and some meds is all). He completly withdraws from doing anything with me. We enter into MC and he says he just doesnt thnk he wants this anymore. For a year he would show up to MC but never really commit to it. Then he spirals into a SEVER depression - cutting himself with razors and wanting to die. I also get to suffer the pleasure of all of his anger directed towards me and a few holes in the wall (NEVER was a violent man at all untill this incident). He blames me for his depression. So he decides that in order to find himself (because he cant as long as I am around) and to get out of his depression he must move out.

I have been to this sight for over a year, never posted, but took everything to heart. I started to work on me and GAL. I stopped pressuring him and left him to find his way. He even started to come over for a few family diners and we were starting to at least laugh a little together. Then, Tuesday he tells me he has been seeing another woman. I am crushed and devistated. This a day after he told me that his heart still isnt shut to the possibilty of us in the future, but he still needed to work on himself and see where we were after things got better. If I change and he had changed by that time he was willing to try and see if we could work on us.

I dont know what to do at ths point. Is this MLC? Is this just him growing into someone else and he really has found another love to replace me? I have been on this rollercoaster for 2 years now and cant believe he would do this. None of my friends or family thought he was the type of person to have an A. I have decided to go completely dark....NC at ALL for at least 30 days. I just dont know if I should still continue to hold out hope that one day the fog will clear and he will find his way home.

Any advise is soooo welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sounds like he needs some professional help. This is WAY beyond mere MLC, SSM or infidelity issues, IMHO.

[No Longer BH]

He is seeing a IC. Says he has gotten beyond the depression stage and life is looking good. Well, of course it is, because he now has OW to make him feel better. I taked to his IC and she told me that he was no longer seriously depressed and progessing to a better place. After I heard about the A, I called his IC to ask if she knew about it. The IC used to be our MC but I left so that he could heal and he was not interested in MC at the time. She said she had no idea about the A and was sorry for me. Then stated that 90% of the time these things crash and burn and the M can be healed. Nice to hear but I'm wondering if I'm going to be in that 10%.

[LL44]

Welcome.

Can't believe his IC told you anything about your H.

You are doing everything you can to take care of yourself and your son. You can't change his actions and you know from DB begging him to come back will make him run even further. How did you find out about OW? How long have they been together?

Something I did wrong in the past was put all my focus on the A, when really its only a symptom.

Take care.

[No Longer BH]

This is sooo frusterating. I called the C back to see if I could make an appointment to deal with the pain of infedelity. She told me that she needed to contact my H to see if it was ok with him first. WTH...I was the one who hired her and begged H to go to her. I left so that he could get the IC he needed, and now that I need some of it she is saying maybe. Talk about a slap in the face. Maybe I should just go someplace else. I was hoping that at some point in the future she could help to bring us back to MC. Maybe its just meant to be in the cards for me.

[LL44]

Don't take that personally, its a conflict of interest for the C. My C (I see her on and off) asked me point blank if I ever had a desire to use her for MC, and if I did, she couldn't see just me.

There are tons of good C's out there, find a new one, especially if this C is helping your H.

[No Longer BH]

Thx LWB....things are just so raw right now. Your right, it could be a conflict on interest for her. Thing is I just keep hoping beyond hope that this could get salvaged. It is really hard to face the fact that he thinks he is in love with someone else. Makes me feel that all of our years together meant nothing. How is it that I am so for him to throw away, yet I still keep fighting with my last breath???

[No Longer BH]

lwb,

I found out about other woman because I had access to his bank account transaction (he does not know that I can see them). She is someone he started to work with 4 years ago. He always spoke highly of her, but I was secure with us so did not think anything of it. Two years ago she got divorced. In Jan I found out he spent 350.00 for flowers for her and there was one night in Dec he came home from a group outing (yeah, right) with hickey on his neck. Totaly denied it was one. I did not ask how long it has been happening. I dont really care at this point. The fact that it is occuring is enough knowledge for me.

[No Longer BH]

I'm still wondering if this could be an MLC? My husband has tended to be somewhat of a lost soul, diving into a new flavor of the month to try and find himself. About three years ago he started to work out to an extreme, became focused on his body image. Just thought it was a new flavor at the time. Then last year he got a tatoo...totally out of character, and he has been spending money like it is water. Once he moved out of the house I took over the bills and was shocked to see how bad they had gotten. Believe me, I started to protect myself at that moment. Even set up my own account to keep some money safe. I have read that many MLCers go through a depression and thought that this was the case with my husband as well. I just dont know, is it MLC or has he just turned into the self serving a**hole who cant even see the pain he is causing his son?!!? Maybe she just a new flavor. I have held onto hope for so long now, I just dont know if it is healthy anymore. Seems just when I get up from one of his blows and GAL, he hits me with a new one. Im afraid that if I keep hoping (even though I so desperately want to have hope) that it is just going to cause me more pain in the end.

Any advise?

[No Longer BH]

I think I just made a big DBing mistake. After hearing the news of the affair, I packed my son up and moved in with my family. They live 2 hrs away and I needed space to heal. H has been sending threatening emails saying he is going to go to a L asap if I dont bring son back. I called him up to say I was sorry that he felt I was keeping S away from him, that I was not. I just needed time to heal. The conversation then progressed into me pretty much trying to plead with him to remember all of the wonderful times we had in our 19 years together. Me agreeing with everything he said, and still trying to persuade him to work on us for the next 6 months. ARRGG! Why did I do this? I KNOW that begging and pleading does not work. Why is it at that moment I felt like maybe we were different than everyone else?!!?

Since I left on Tuesday his life has started to fall apart. He was demoted at work ran through all of his money for this week (has bounce 2 transactions) and is trying to deal with the stress of it all. Like he knows what stress is!! He would not admit that his R with OW is wrong, but hey, why would he when she makes him feel so good. He is going to let me know later if he is willing to try MC again. I just so hard to keep hoping only to let down again.