Had a nice, almost normal evening Wednesday and a good morning together Thursday. H. even phoned me at work (like the old days) to tell me a bit of news he had heard. I was calm and friendly, and I have to tell you it sure made my day.
I went home after work, let the dog out and started dinner. H. called me at 6:15 to tell me that he was just getting out of work, had a very dirty, dusty day (he works construction) and was going to stop for a couple of beers. I thanked him for calling me, and told him that I was going to go ahead and eat then, since I needed to go for blood work at 7 am and needed to fast 12 hrs first. He said, "Oh? I thought you had that blood work already done, what did you make for dinner?" I said "spaghetti", and he said "I haven't had spaghetti in quite a while." I told him to go ahead with his plans, that it would be here when he gets home. I told him to have fun, but be careful and again, thanked for letting me know. (That has always been a reason for fights, he would stop at the bar and I would be sitting at home wondering where he was and waiting alone....)
Then I ate dinner by myself, drank a glass of wine on my deck, took a new book that I am reading and went to bed. His couple of beers turned in to about 4 hours, and I woke up briefly when he got in to bed. He must have tossed and turned for a while, because I woke up again about 3 am when he got out of bed. He went downstairs to the couch and turned on the TV.
I got up early and went downstairs to get in the hot tub. H was awake on the couch, and I asked why he had trouble sleeping. He said “probably because I have so much on my mind.” I just said “hmmm” and went and got in the hot tub.
About 10 minutes later he came and joined me! Bringing me a cup of coffee, which I couldn’t drink because of the pending blood work, but I thanked him anyway. He seemed down and depressed (Why do depressed people self-medicate with alcohol???) but I kept things light and friendly. I reminded him that a year ago today we were in the hospital having my surgery. He seemed surprised, and had not remembered that. I said”I was hoping maybe we could go out for dinner or something to celebrate” and he said “we’ll see.” I said “ok”, and nothing more. Another unusual response for me, because he knows how much I hate it when he won’t commit to plans. Over the years I have learned that he doesn’t like to say no to me, so he will often say “we’ll see” when he really means no. This guy is pretty controlling and hates confrontation. If he came out and said no, he knows it might make me mad, we would probably fight, and then I would have all day to go and make some other plans.
So I didn’t give him the response he was expecting. I got out of the hot tub first, and started to get ready for my day. We had more conversation, but I remained detached. I could tell that he was trying to push buttons. He asked me if I wasn’t going to go to the bar that I went to last week when he had brought home dinner to me and I wasn’t there. I said “ No, I’ll be home tonight after work, and you will probably be sitting in the bar.” At that point I had to fight to keep from tearing up. He said “Are you crying for me?” I said “no, I’m just thinking about how things were last year, how you were here for me (and thinking now you’re not).” Then he said “just remember that I was here to get you thru it”. He gave me a big, long hug, said “don’t cry for me, because I’m not worth it.” Then he walked out the door and drove away. (Can you hear the music swell and fade?) Brother!
So, despite this, I am actually feeling pretty good. There have been some positive things happen with H this week. I have a bottle of good champagne chilling in the fridge. My best girlfriend (and neighbor) is going to stop by on her way home from work and will help me drink it. If H. comes home, great. If he doesn’t I will leave him a note and she and I will go out and have dinner. You can bet I will be steering clear of any place that he might be.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
