Where do...I...go from here?

[tpaschal]

So, what I'd love to say is this....

*******************************************
Dear H,

I am sorry that the accountant's office waited until this late date to inform you that a retainer fee would be required. Have you called any of the other accountants who do business evaluations? Mrs. So-and-so has been mentioned several times as someone in this area who does good work.

I have told you many times throughout the past year that I do not want a divorce. Divorce is messy and expensive and painful, and it is not a "quick fix" for anything. Do not blame me for the financial difficulty in which you now find yourself. You, and only you, made the decision to pursue a divorce. You are the one making these choices, and we are all paying the price.

Though I remain willing to negotiate with you on a settlement, you cannot expect me to answer the question about whether or not an evaluation of the practice is necessary until I have legal representation to advise me. As a wise woman (whose ex-husband returned home after 5 years apart) recently told me, "Keep your heart open to his return if you want, but be business-like when it comes to a divorce. In this matter, he is a stranger and this is a business deal."

If we were strangers negotiating a business deal, you would not expect these concessions from me. Right now I feel bullied and manipulated by you.

You are no longer the same man I married, so NO, I do not know that you would never throw us to the wolves. The man I loved and married, the honest man who valued commitment, loyalty and most of all, integrity, no longer exists. Or, if he does still exist somewhere, he is buried beneath so many layers of anger and guilt and shame that he is no longer accessible. You told me that you were tired of being the good guy and wanted to be "the bad boy" for a while. I'll never forget you coming into the house shortly after you moved out and sitting on the kitchen counter and saying with a hate filled sneer on your face, "Look out world, here comes H!"

You have broken every one of your marriage vows, every promise you ever made to me, and have disrespected me in every way in which a man could possibly disrespect his wife. You were not honest with me about your unhappiness, and then instead of trying to fill the void you felt in a healthy way by pursuing a stronger relationship with God or spending more time with your children, you went looking outside our marriage. You put all of your time and energy into a new relationship without making an honest try to fix the one you were in, or to at least end our marriage before sleeping around. You started an affair with a child---yes, a child---a screwed up, emotionally unstable child---and then continued to have sex with me on a regular basis for several months after you started having sex with her. You began having drunken, violent rages in front of our children, you damaged them emotionally more than you will ever know or acknowledge, and you continue to do so.

I made many mistakes, to be sure, but neither I nor your children deserve the way you are treating us now. I have asked you for a chance to correct those mistakes, asked you for the chance for us to relearn how to communicate, to learn how to bring out the best in each other as we used to do, to get to know each other and fall in love again, but you have refused.

My not wanting a divorce is not a matter of me stubbornly holding onto something that I just don't wish to give up---you, or our family life---rather, I have given this over to God and am convicted by Him on a daily basis that divorce is not His plan or desire for my life or yours, and is most especially not His plan or desire for our children. God has given us free will, though, so He will not stop you if you choose divorce. And if you do go through with a divorce, I know God will still have great things in store for me and the kids in spite of all the pain.

In fact, He is showing me this now. I am convicted by Him that this is a time of change and growth for me. Am I perfect? NO! Do I still screw up and do or say things from a place of fear or anger that I later regret? Of course. Some changes are quicker and easier to make, and others I struggle with on a daily basis. But He is showing me how to go forward with my life while still keeping my heart open with unconditional love for you. He is teaching me to put my faith in Him, not in myself or in any other human being. God is also teaching me patience, which for me is maybe the hardest lesson of all.

These are all hard lessons, and not ones I would have chosen to learn if I had't been put in this situation, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to open myself up to what God wants to teach me.

My life now is not how I pictured it would be, but it will be a good life and I am finding that I do not need you as I once thought I did. I want you in our lives because I still love the true you, but I do not need you in order to have happiness and joy in my life. (The same is not quite true for the children. They will have joy and happiness, yes, but they do need you. They need for their father to be more of a consistent, stable presence in their lives, especially Christopher.)

Though I know that I do want to share my life with someone special, I have discovered that I do not need a man in my life to find joy and happiness and contentment. I've met a few great guys this past year, but I don't NEED to be with anyone to feel fulfilled, and I trust that God will lead me to know when I am truly ready for new love. You told me once not too long ago that you let the bimbo move in with you partly because you discovered you can't be alone. I have discovered the positive aspects of being alone, of learning to be content within myself instead of always looking to someone or something else to "make me happy." I am learning how to be content with what God has blessed me with in the moment, instead of always searching for what else is out there, as you seem to still be doing.
***************************************

I don't know how to finish it. Actually, this may be one of those emails that is written for my own benefit and then is never sent, but I'm not sure.

How should I respond to his "settlement" emails? Any ideas?