W is now out

[upside_downer]

Another thing: She called while I was out at lunch and left a message saying "hey, just calling to see how you are. Call me back, or if you don't I'll call you later."

[Tink]

"1. She hasn't decided on a D. Only S.
2. The way this is worded...doesn't it sound accusing/blaming? Saying "YOU wanted the D, not me"

Hi, Oh so that's good about the separation. And yes I think you're right it does sound harsh.

The reason I put that in there is because I remember once when I broke up with my boyfriend but really didn't want to he said that to me and it pushed me to get committed again fast.

But that is a different situation, and like you said, she's only going for separation right now which is MUCH better than someone who has already decided on a D.

So keep going dark but you are right, it's not the situation right now to say something like that.

I think if you just try and focus on sounding happy and friendly and talking about being busy and your phone shut off, etc., and be the one to get off the phone first, that is enough for now.

Perhaps you can let the dust settle and then we will have some new developments next week.

Tink

[upside_downer]

Well, she didn't call like she said she would in the message. I was busy anyway at a baseball game. Since I did not respond to her text or her voice mail, I think it would be OK to call her this morning and say:

"I just got your message. I left my phone at home yesterday, and I was out late, so I'm returning your call now. Hope all is well."

[Tink]

Hi sounds good.

[Tink]

Hi I will be away for a few days so I'll probably be able to come back on board Monday morning.

Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing great! If you need advice and find no one here, you can try posting a new thread (and re-read our posts).

Again GREAT JOB!

Tink

[upside_downer]

I left her the message and haven't heard from her all day. I'm OK with that. After all, in speaking with my C, she said most people figure things out during a separation within 3 to 6 months of how they feel.

I agree with that sentiment for an initial thing, as long as there are clear things that happen between the two.

So far, I believe myself to be on that track. It's only been a few days, but I have not talked about the R, I haven't initiated contact other than returning a voice mail.

Interesting thing, though: My C suggested that the W and I need to discuss at some point in the near future our expected level of communication during the S, and also what we would like to get out of it. Goals in other words.

It sounds good because she told me "you have a life, and need to GAL. At the same time, you need to be able to able to move on with your life at some point and it is not fair to you for your W to leave you in the dark as to where you are headed with the S"

Hmmm...I agree with this to a point, but is that not the opposite of what DBing is? I'm not sure since I don't have my book yet (sigh)

[upside_downer]

Wow. So tonight, my W called me. Left me a message to say she had to get a couple things from the house so she was thinking of coming tomorrow to get them if that is OK. She also said we could do something if I wanted.

I went to the gym and then called her back a couple hours later. Didn't get her live so I said "hello (chipper voice) we keep missing each other! Oh well. I'm actually pretty busy over the weekend. Got a lot going on. But whatever. If you get this, you can call me back."

She called me back a couple hours later while I was at volleyball and said "I keep missing you (on the phone). That's fine that you are busy, maybe we can do something during the week. I'll probably come tomorrow afternoon to get my stuff since I still have the garage opener. You don't have to feel like you have to be there if you don't want to be."

So....now what? She wants to get together, but in a way, I feel like she may want to because she thinks I do (since I've acted needy in the past and expressed concerns when she moved out about not seeing her). Do I just tell her about my conversation with the C and say that we should talk about maybe not contacting for a month or so?

[Tink]

Hi how are you?

I wouldn't tell her the counselor told you anything. You need to make your own decisions.

If don't want to do it, don't; if you want to do that then do it but don't say "My counselor told me..."

Tink

[upside_downer]

Hi Tink. In an effort to get some more responses since I seem unpopular here, I started another thread. Probably not the best thing to do, since I think it may add confusion. Anyway, here was what I wrote:

I think I did bad. W came over to pick up a couple more things she left behind (didn't expect it). While I tried to be out of the house, I returned and she was still here. I couldn't just keep going because I had groceries.

So I was unpacking. I didn't say much and was brief. My W takes that as me being upset (which has been true frequently in the past, but not always). So she asks if anything is wrong. I said no, just been running around a lot because I have a lot going on.

I remember my C suggesting we talk about no contact for a little while, or discuss how we will approach the S. I was telling myself not to say anything, but I couldn't resist and told the W we needed to discuss it "at some point." She replied and said, "yeah we can sit down and discuss sometime - when you're not busy" Key words there at the end. She recognized how busy I was! Anyway, this is the part where I slipped because I told her the "the C said we should discuss these things, but also that I need to GAL too." The W thought I meant see other people. I confirmed that is NOT what I meant. So no problem, but I then said "we don't have to be face to face, we can do it over the phone. I don't know if us getting together is the best thing since you decided that you needed the S" (I'm thinking that came across bad). She said we needed to do "baby steps" and go out sometime to dinner, or hang out to see how things go.

I'm thinking it has only been a week and I felt so good doing everything right, but I feel like I jumped the gun to put pressure on the W and tell her that I think we need space and all my DB techniques. When she argued that not seeing each other won't really improve things (because we need to see how things go when we are together), I started to backpedal. I think she saw my frustration (which was with myself and not her, but she took it otherwise I think). So, we kind of left off where we always leave off on this stalemate. Made me feel like nothing changed. I had plans to go that I was late for, and I left without really saying a formal goodbye. I just got in my car while she was getting in hers and I drove off.

How bad did I screw that situation up?

[upside_downer]

And my response:

Hi Smartcookie. Thanks for the response. In this sitch, I tried to avoid my old self. I got caught because I was suggesting we sever contact, but I'm not entirely sure if that is the best option. I have not initiated contact at all, so I think that is considered being dark, but does that include not getting together? My W does want to do things together. She feels like we have to start over in a way, to see how she feels. I guess that is my main point of confusion. Whether seeing each other once a week is OK or not?

Also, we did see my C together before the S. We went for 6 1 hour sessions. My W felt OK about going, but after 6 weeks, she felt she was not getting anything out of it because, in her words, we "were talking about the same things that we fought about, and the C was saying a lot of the same things in regards to your insecurities about me talking to guys on the phone, the amount of time we spend together, etc." We stopped going at that point.

Now, I'm still going independently, and asked W if she would go and she said she did not want to now. She did make a comment once that she has never gone by herself, and I would like to see her go because I sense that there are some issues, but I don't know if me suggesting she go is a good idea?

My main questions are whether seeing each other during this period of me being dark is OK?