Keep fighting whatdidido. You will have good days and bad. You have to focus on the goal. You will find the good days begin to outnumber the bad over time. Its an uphill battle that gradually gets easier...just be patient, but those blinders on and keep marching to the music of a fulfilling life with an amazingly committed husband and the father of your child.
Puppy- My H is inept in social situations. He embarrasses me most of the time by laughing at times what aren't that funny, repeating what people say for no reason at all, trying to be funny when he is not a funny guy, saying nothing at all, etc. With my family he feels comfortable so he does more...he makes "sounds" that are suppose to be funny, when playing cards he pretends to pick up the card and then puts in on the pile EVERY TIME....the pretending is suppose to be funny, he makes people uncomfortable because they feel bad that he is embarrassing himself. Sigh.
Kat- I love the needlework analogy....that makes sense. I will start with small gestures. Thank you for the nice compliment, too. I think you are pretty fantastic as well.
thegoodfight- thanks
lost-still trying to find time
Mark- I'm fighting for sure. I am trying to be patient for sure.
Question for the day: Isn't it wierd that we haven't been intimate yet? He's been home now for a couple months. He would if I wanted to....but I don't. He hasn't had it for just about 3 years...wouldn't he be tearing me apart. Is that a bad sign?
Some walls are hard to break down. This is one of them. I think there is fear on both your parts. Perhaps you could talk about it. Maybe a little wine would help to relax you both. I think if you could get past that hurdle things would start feeling easier. I haven't wanted to say anything. But I really think that is an important step for the two of you to take. Once things no longer feel natural together it is hard to break the ice. Don't neglect the issue. It is an important part of marriage, and probably something the two of you used to really enjoy together.
I've needed someone to say something. I'm glad you said something, Sara. I'm scared about it. I don't give myself to someone unless I love them, and since I am not feeling that "love" like I should, I just feel like I can't. I know there is something in one of the books. I will have to reread it. Our sex life always was below standard before, so ...... I'm afraid I would cry and make it all worse.
Today has been a bad day again.....memories of OM....sadness....some days I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I got myself busy to forget. But, the moment I let myself away from them, something brings me right back to them. I tried to get mad at OM for doing this to me and my family, but It didn't work today. Just a bad day.
These are the days that I think.....it would be soooo much easier to give up. I don't know if I can do this..............
OK. I really think the problem is the lack of a sex life. Yes, I'm sure you are scared, and I suspect he is too. But you say over and over that you love this man (your husband). So I think it is the distance, the physical distance that has grown between you that you can't bridge. He may have reservations too. I've known of men who were turned off by the idea that thir wives had been with someone else. And after that, they just couldn't get themselves to initiate the sex.
My H and I have never gotten that far apart. Even when we were not happy together, we kept up our sex life. However, when he was planning to leave me and was in love with OW, I had a lot of trouble getting him hard. I had to really work at it. He kept saying "just give up", but I wouldn't. I felt like a snake charmer trying to get the snake to rise from its coil. So then I was really determined. In the 30 years I had known my husband, he always would point to me from across the room. But for a few days there, it was really depressing. I wouldn't leave him alone. I was grabbing him and rubbing him all the time. (He's not allowed to hide my favorite toy.)
But going back to what works for us. First, quiet time alone, no children to interrupt. Then a glass of wine or a favorite mixed drink. I like a cosmopolitan. Then one of us will say, "Would you rub my back?" or, "let's do massages." Having a body cream or oil near the bed is good to make the massage feel smoother. If we've grown distant I'll massage him first -- his back, legs and arms, and then he turns over and I do the front. Then it is his turn. Usually when he turns me from massaging my back to my front, he finds a new way of massaging me, and before I know it nature takes over and it's sex.
Remember, the mind is the biggest aphrodisiac. So you need to think of your husband as sexy. You have to take those thoughts of yours and assign them to him. And then get him feeling sexy too. Rub up against him, grab him a little bit, tease him. It's fun. Don't think serious. Think play.
Hon, tons of hugs for you. While it is sometimes nice to look at the big picture, it can be overwhelming. Instead of looking at the thinks that bother you about H, focus on the positives. Tell him how much you appreciate it when he does abc. Reinforce what you like and try to look away at least for now the things that bother you.
Everyone has hard days. It seems like most of us are having some rough patches right now. So you are not alone. Hope a ray of sunshine reaches out to you in WI. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sara: OK. I really think the problem is the lack of a sex life. Yes, I'm sure you are scared, and I suspect he is too. But you say over and over that you love this man (your husband). So I think it is the distance, the physical distance that has grown between you that you can't bridge. He may have reservations too. I've known of men who were turned off by the idea that thir wives had been with someone else. And after that, they just couldn't get themselves to initiate the sex.
Go do it, have fun, its both physically and mentally health. You have to be the leader right now, I know that's crap, but H is having a hard time, he keeps thinking of you with _ _ and its hard on him, he has to start picturing you with him
Start the dance, you must lead right now, but make him understand, that you will not always be the lead, he will have to step up and show you how to dance.
Good luck, have fun, enjoy yourself, make memories
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important.
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? let me hope !!! Moving Van comming Saturday May 31st
Sara, Kat, and Jeff...thank goodness for you guys...always checking on me. I just feel like I am in one screwed up life. Between my lack of judgement and our marriage problems......what a mess.
Sara- The lack of sex life has always been a problem. He has a Lower drive. Now, after the affair, I know what I've been missing. I wish I didn't. I realize that I will need to make the first move. I know he is ready to be physical. I am sincerely worried about bursting into tears while being intimate. The "snake charmer" and "point at you from across the room" comment made me laugh. Thank you.
Your tips on how to relax are good ones. I can see myself doing that. But, I won't want to do more. I'm crying as I say this....I just don't feel anything when I kiss him...no passion....how can I fake the other, when I can't even do that?????
The mind....how do I think of him as sexy? I mean....I'm trying to do it now.....???????????
Jeff- I agree that it is physically and mentally healthy. I really want to do this, but I want to do it "right".
Hon you are go to take a deep breath. You can't compare your H to OM it is not fair to H or to you. Think about what lead you to fall in love with H in the first place. Please, lots of women fake an "O" so I don't think that can be an excuse. Loving actions beget loving feelings. Start little and slow. You will get there. Tons of hugs. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"You've gotta have heart, miles and miles and miles of heart. when the crowd is saying you'll never win, that's when the grin should start. All you really need is heart."
There's nothin' to it but to do it, You gotta have heart"
I think you are pretty fantastic as well.