She started the other activities because she was missing something.
That something used to be you two together.
Life is tough that way, tends to occupy our energies to the point that we lose sight of the important things.
Look, given this, I tend to feel a bit more strongly that your wife wants to know if you are still the same guy she fell in love with and married. Because chances are you haven't been for some time. Which is not to say of course that she hasn't changed too.
I think she also wants to know if you're still willing to do the hard work of loving her. Yeah, I said hard work.
Do you remember the stuff we used to do for the women we were sweet on when we were younger. We'd change our schedules, spend money we couldn't afford, do all the crazy things like writing poems and buying mushy cards. All to show that woman how much we were in love with them.
You go dark on her now, you start being stingy with your help and availability, you are sending her precisely the message that she fears she will get. That you are no longer that guy who would try to move the world for her. That you no longer are so committed to your love and passion for her that you would do ANYTHING to prove it to her.
Now I'm not suggesting that you start writing love poems. But I do think you need to begin courting your wife, slowly but surely.
Be there for her. Be her friend, her very best friend. Care about what bothers her and what excites her, and more importantly SHOW her that you care through how you interact with her.
Do not pursue. Don't become a gushing "You know I love you with every breath of my being!" doorknob. You have to start small. The big stuff looks fake and like it won't last when she hasn't seen it in a long time.
That's why I say COURT her.
My two cents worth.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
So should I go dark and let her make the initial contact? Or should I be the one that initiates it by maybe asking her to do something like meet for a drink at Starbucks?
The thing that bothers me about this approach is that she wants her space, wouldn't this be intruding on her space? Believe me I would love to talk to her everyday but I don't want her to feel smothered.
Almost everyday! I did not have my son today but I did call and asked to speak with him. Then I briefly talked to her and asked how her day was. Talked to her for about a total of a minute. Do you think that I should keep all contact very brief and upbeat, or maybe get a little more involved with what she has been up to? I need my books ASAP...finally got confirmation that they are re-sending them!
jonzy man how are you doing? You sound good today, I hope you are beginning to work on yourself. I think Bworl hit it dead on, it's pretty much the MO of a WAS. We men are kinda dense, we think as long as there is no major issues and things seem to be going fine just like Bworl described we are pretty much happy and feel we are doing it right, WHAM!
If I changed yours and mine screen names around OMG! You've been married 8 me 8.5 both together 12yrs the oldest is hers the youngest both of yours it's like looking in a mirror at my own reflection.
Now is not the time to persue. Now is the time to work on you and the kids. Like I said last night the old marriage is dead she is not into you just as my W is not into me. It's up to you to make the changes and let her notice, become the man you need to be.
Going dark is a strong thing you must do it right if that's what you choose to do. Going dark means no contact from you and if you have to make sure it is only about the kids, finance, just the basics. It doesn't mean be a jerk or rude to your W, but be less available it is a time to work on you and get some goals set in place for yourself, get solution focused become detached but in a loving manner it's a fine line to walk read up on LRT in the book, the books are invaluable, like I said last night they are for YOU and YOU only don't tell wife about them or that you are on these boards, this things are all for you, to vent ask questions and to learn.
There are alot of good and wise people throughout these boards listen to what they say they can HELP! If you can afford it get some coaching lessons, they are a bit pricy but from what I have read they help you get a game plan set in place and teach you how to carry it out.
Remember:
1. stop the ILY 2. don't persue 3. no R talks let WAS start them there is a entire list of things to remember, I will try and find it for you and post it it has ALOT of good things to keep in mind as you ride this rollercoaster of H*LL.
Remember to breathe, go slow, work on yourself, spend time with your kiddo's, you CAN do this IMHO this can be saved, you have some positives working in your favor above all be PATIENT!
No more relationship talks for me, that is a promise I made to myself! I am working on my overall attitude and trying to stay upbeat as much as possible. Whenever I get down I try to go for a walk or run. Today was the first day I have ever voluntarily ran in about 17 years, still trying to figure out if that was a mistake or not but my legs say yes
Today was a great day for me. Even though I did not get to see my son and only talked to my wife for a minute it all felt good! Had alot of time for myself and got to think of how I need to accomplish all the goals I have set for myself. It is a long list but I am on it like stink on s@#t!
When I feel comfortable enough giving my own advice I will stop by and hopefully be able to give you all some good advice! Thank you all for the input!
Well folks looks like this is the end of the M for me. She brought over some paperwork today to go over and try to agree on some stuff. I didn't think that this would ever happen but it is in full steam ahead now. Arrrgh this sucks, I am so weak and started crying when we started on the paperwork.
Let the drinking begin!! Thanks for all of the advice!
