You just told my story, almost to a T. It's very disconcerting to read another persons story and hear so much that is familiar.
First of all, put your mind to rest about any affairs. The poster who posted that is so far off the mark it's not even funny.
You've found some clarity it looks like to me about what your life together has been like. She's an admirable woman and you are damned fortunate that she has stuck it out for all these years. I hope you see, TRULY SEE how hard you have made it for her and your relationship all these years.
You mentioned getting counseling. Do it. Immediately. You don't have to say a word to her, or you can tell her. It's not a merit badge to tell her any way. You NEED to find out why you have allowed your insecurity to be poured out on your family. You need to find the source of that insecurity and put it to rest. Counseling can do that for you, I can speak personally to that. And I was NEVER a counseling person before.
My story ended in divorce. Yours may not have to. But you CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT attempt to convince her with your WORDS that you should not divorce. As I think you realize, you've used up all your good will credit with her. From this point forward, YOUR ACTIONS will be the only thing that will register with her. PERIOD.
This is very hard for me, because I see so much of my experience in your story, and I know how mine turned out. But my ex-wife did not have the heart that yours has.
Ellie shared with you a few points that I think are so incredibly excellent that they should be a MANTRA that you repeat to yourself every single day. These points should drive EVERYTHING you choose to do or not do.
Quote:
- first of all, keep your expectations LOW and your Positive Mental Attitude HIGH. Stay out of R talks. This is your opportunity to show your wife you really can change. She may still move out, she may still divorce you because of her fears that you can't keep up the changes - but if you keep up your changes and are CONSISTENT, she may come back even if she leaves.
- If she asks you about your changes, make it clear that this time you are making the changes for YOU, whether she stays or not.
- Read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Figure out which are your wife's love languages, and make sure you are "speaking" them to her.
- Figure out WHY you have been so negative and critical. Are you critical of yourself? Did you grow up in a household with a negative critical parent? Get counseling if you need to to deal with this. My H was this way. I know he's 10 times as hard on himself as he is on me. Still, it is soul-destroying to feel that the man you love does not cherish you.
- Think like you are trying to get a wild squirrel to eat out of your hand. No sudden moves, don't scare her. Slowly, carefully, entice her over to you. Validate, validate, validate.
Her last point is incredibly powerful and important.
Your wife has endured too many years of disappointment. You CANNOT at any point become impatient or frustrated with the lack of positive progress.
In fact, count each evening together as a positive progress. That's what you get.
Can you do this?
Can you?
Have you realized for the first time just what you finally have to do for real?
I'll be honest and tell you something I shouldn't right now.
I believe that your actions over the coming months will make your wife's decision for her.
It's in your hands.
Repeat the mantra every day.
No looking back.
DIE to your self. Live for HER. She deserves it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
