I had a little wine last night and said/did a few mean things when W FINALLY stopped by to see Abby.
Got that out of your system I hope. Don't need any more repeats of that.
This is ugly stuff AD. It's pure hell to go through and you should understand that we all sympathize and empathize with you as you deal with it.
I agree with going dark. No contact literally means no contact, and I can't see how you do that with Abby in the mix. But I would not respond to her calls or even answer the phone. Let her leave a message, in fact encourage her to do just that. If she wonders why you can simply tell her that it's for YOUR well being.
You. and Abby.
You. and Abby.
and once again, YOU.
This is possibly going to be one hell of a horrendous ride. You will need every ounce of your wits to endure and not do something that makes it even worse.
Going dark gives you the chance to get your wits about you. Gives you a chance to reach the point where you realize that YOU WILL SURVIVE, regardless of how this eventually turns out. Don't belittle this idea, it's very important to both your own well being and your ability to successfully DB.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
AbbysDad - sorry to hear of this recent development. I've followed your story on and off and hoped things would improved. I remember the way I felt when I found out things I didn't want to know about my W and it was definitely one of the most difficult times of my life.
Your emotions will run you over and now isn't the time to make any life altering decisions. Allow yourself to be angry and that emotion run its course. Just don't act on your anger. Be aware you are emotionally charged right now and don't beat yourself up. This seemingly overwhelming anger will pass with time.
I can't offer you any advice on specifically how to deal with your W since I'm still in the process of piecing my sitch back together and just don't have the knowledge/experience/wisdom at the moment. What I can say is focus on you...it's truly the only thing you can change.
Be strong and stay strong.
My thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1424620
Yeah, I definitely understand the emotions thing. I almost wish this anger feeling would last a while longer because its better than that hurt/crushed feeling I've had during the process. Last night I slept 8 solid hours and the alarm woke me for the first time in over 3 weeks. But I know this anger will subside soon and I'm not looking forward to it.
And I definitely now see that I can't make any decisions for a while. Just go dark, work out and be with Abby as much as possible. I've never considered myself strong in the past but maybe this whole situation will strengthen me.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
That anger will help you dettach, and you can nurse it, that sounds counter productive.
Anger is a tool. If you use it to help you stay away from your wife, then its not a bad tool. If you use it to verbally bash your wife, then its a weapon and not a good thing.
My MIL was also involved in my sitch, couldn't believe the pi55 poor choices her daughter was making...blah blah blah.
We seem to have alot in common, including finding them in bed together.
I'm telling you this can be done. You're going to survive either way. Stay away from your wife, don't talk to her beyond the basics, bills and Abby, improve yourself, not just physically, not just as a father but as a man and person.
Your realtionship with your wife, what is left of it, is on hold or dead, neither which you know at the moment. And hasty, emotional choices are poor choices made with ramnifications long lasting. Give it some time.
Four years old...what a gift. Keep her safe, protect her from this, do not speak badly about her mother in front of her, build your bond with her, but don't use her for your support in any of this, don't ask her quesions about mom, it's not fair to her.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm still waiting for hurt to hit but it hasn't come. I'm more bummed than anything. I can feel myself getting closer. I should've listened to the veterans earlier but oh well. My W is in a relationship with OM and there is nothing I can do it about. I was actually feeling really good until she dropped off D....now I'm just a little down...no tears though. I think in my mind I know the end is very near...I don't even think I would consider the R, even if she begged. Only time will tell.
JTB, you are right. No matter what, I need to work on me. That is my goal. Well and of course the precious little girl.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I think in my mind I know the end is very near...I don't even think I would consider the R, even if she begged. Only time will tell.
A little early to be calling the race don't you think AD?
Infidelity crushes us, no question about it. I would never attempt to diminish the pain it brings. I'll just remind you that infidelity does not HAVE to mean the end. That's a call that YOU get to make at some point. I would suggest that it's way too soon to be deciding that right now.
The presence of the OM changes things in your approach towards her. She knows you know. It's not a guess any longer. It's my personal belief that active involvement in an affair means NO CONTACT with me. As Jack said, kids, finances, that's about it. Nothing else.
Now is the time to put all your energy on YOU and your daughter. I mean all of it. Make yourself a better man, better father, better person. Set some goals and start working on accomplishing them. Do things that you haven't done before. Keep yourself busy, even though you'd rather just sit around and mope. Have your tears, if you need them, then get out and live your life.
It's only the end if you choose to make it the end.
So sorry that you've had this come into your life.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
AD - hang in there. Focus on you and your little girl. It's amazing what children become aware of so don't let your anger and hurt polute your relationship with your D.
You need to fully detach from your W. Keep your communications brief, concise, emotionless, and all-business. Learn to recognize when your emotions start to take over and step out of the situation to avoid any backsliding.
Good luck and take one day at a time.
My thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1424620
Well today is strange indeed. I woke up worried about the future but as the day has progressed I've been feeling great. Actually I feel better than I have since April. It really is quite strange and I'm starting to think I'm not going to miss W at all. I'm actually looking forward to lots of 1 on 1 time with D, going out and I'm even thinking about OW. I'm looking back and the last two years W has really made me miserable although I chased her and pursued. Maybe its a realization of what's to be, but I haven't shed a tear in 3 days and I'm actually happy today.
Will I suddenly crash again? Or am I really happy it could be over? Hmm.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
you'll "crash" again. Be prepared. But it will last less and it will be "familiar", so easier to handle. At least, that's what happened to me. It comes in waves and we learn to deal with it. Hang in there K
