Well, I decided to quit drinking coffee on Sat., cold turkey, so I am moving a bit slow. Headaches are gone, but I sure could use a nap after lunch!
On the up side, I am feeling much better. The coffee was messing up my digestive system...NOT a good thing. Decaf green tea for me from now on.
Still had a great, long weekend with the kids. Went to the beach and tried out S9's new skim board, got in a nice ocean swim while we were there since the waves were not bad.
S7 finally got the hang of his new mt. bike and LOVES it. Begged to go for bike rides all weekend. We took a relatively long ride to the local acquatic center on Mon. and he still wanted to go for a ride again on Tues!
Also talked the kids into going to the kids zone at the Y while I went to yoga on Sun. Of course, after resisting going for months, they loved it.
W returned from TX today, so I have that to look forward too. The kids were glad to see her, so that was nice. For my part, I at least did remember to say "Hi".
I am also behind on my promise to set up a L appt. Got to make progress on this tomorrow.
Also on the up side, it looks like we will hire 3 of the candidates we interviewed last week, so this will really help the stress level at work, at least once they are trained!
Just keepin' on keepin' on.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Just a quick check in on you...sounds like you're doing great!! Gotta love green tea for settling the body and soul....I really like Chai green tea these days...
Off on our big adventure tomorrow...thanks for the good thoughts on my thread. it's what i'm aiming for; and June 16th (the day after we get back...) can just take care of itself for now!!
Interesting re the coffee. Its my one real addiction and I have been having some digestive issues of late. I think I may switch to tea for a while and see how that goes. Being separated is not too bad , it does allow one a break from the sitch . I find it exausting though as I am effectively a solo parent with a full time Job , W does very little to help out with the kids despite having the opportunity.
Journalling, It's been a busy few weeks with little desire to think too much about the sitch. Last week I spent in Colorado, a few days of work followed by a long weekend with my best friend from high school who lives in the mts. outside Denver. Man was that what I needed!
Awesome mountain biking right out his back door, a great concert at Red Rocks, couldn't have been better...well, it actually was. At the concert I met a great gal who is in many ways right for me (very centered lady who knows what she wants, runs marathons and bike races, does yoga). I guess even more than this specific woman, to feel so attracted to someone and to know that there is someone who feels that attraction for me just made me feel alive again.
I really didn't want to leave on Sun. and started searching for jobs in the area while I was there. In an interesting "synchronicity", when I returned to work yesterday, I found that my company is opening a new facility in the area that is right up my line of work. I applied for the position yesterday! I spoke to the recruiter and hiring manager today and it looks like a long shot, but you've got to start somewhere.
I guess if nothing else, moving will force me to get resolution to our sitch!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I'm glad I was able to "guilt you into posting an update" SD.
Your posts always seem so centered & calm, even when you're describing something that may not be. It'll be interesting to see what they're like minus caffeine! You'll definitely be known as The Buddhist poster.
That's part of the detaching, isn't it, taking breaks from thinking about the sitch & adding some attraction chemicals to the mix is probably a welcome break.
Yes, moving would definitely force a change in your R with your W. I think she would go with you though, wouldn't she?
Yes, moving would definitely force a change in your R with your W. I think she would go with you though, wouldn't she?
I am not sure what she would do. I definitely want to move forward with the divorce, but even then, I think she might move there too. Other option would be that she move to TX. I am pretty sure that she won't stay here in FL. Either way, I am torn about not being with the kids full time, but I will find a way to be in their lives as much as possible and maybe she will end up letting me have them in the end, who knows!
Thanks for the compliment on being centered and calm! This has really been a long path for me. I really feel like a totally different person than I was 18 months ago when she first started her EA.
As far as the attraction chemicals, it was borderline surreal. It has been so long since a woman held me and stared into my eyes like that, it almost felt like it was happening to someone else.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I am going to have to disagree with the centered part... And I am going to be very direct...
A component of being centered involves having the strength to face and deal with life head on. You are not centered. You are escaping and engaging in denial and avoidance. And you are misinterpreting "escaping" with achieving peace of mind.
You have young kids that need you and their mother. Like it or not - you both need to be very available to both of your boys until they are old enough to go to college. Applying for a job in CO without ensuring that your boys are growning up w/o two parents locally - IMHO is not an option. It is selfish and self-centered.
There is nothing Buddhist about moving a gagilion miles away from your responsibilities "hoping" it all works out for the best.
Moving away to force the issue of a D is avoidance. If you want a D - file for it and do the work it takes to get the D.
There are many people in the west that turn to eastern philosophy as an escape when they are confused. Eastern philosophy, including Buddhism IS NOT about escape. That is a western mis-interpretation of the east. People that write books about "finding" themselves in some ashram in India annoys me to no end. Eastern philosophy is about working on you so you have strength to face your life. Really no different than Western philosophies if you look at the core teachings. (Okay I am getting off my soapbox now)
I had actually decided to stop posting to you because it seemed like you are doing nothing to change the status quo. Your W "will" move with you. Why not? She can continue her A and current lifestyle in another state, right?
Your W is not going to start a D. It will be up to you. And, I don't get what you're waiting for. You constantly make excuses about wanting to get the money situation settled, waiting for her to get a job (won't happen), and on and on.
I also don't feel like you're calm and centered. I feel like all the activities you participate in is an escape from having to deal with her.
You need to either make your M work or D and you're doing neither. Limbo sucks!!!
OK, 2x4 accepted AG and qoe. I have to admit, you really shook me. Maybe just what I needed.
I admit, it was selfish to apply for this job without consulting with W.
I also admit that I have been avoiding conflict with W.
However, AG, my conflict avoidance with W is not a result of reading the Dalai Lama or adopting Buddhist philosophy, but rather a 18 year long pattern between me and W. If any thing, I have gotten better at dealing with points of tension with her than before. (scary that!)
I think you may be projecting other's behavior onto my stich here. Meditation, focusing on the collective happiness over my personal, short term happiness, etc. have helped me in my best moments over the past 1 1/2 years. My behavior over the past few days was a lapse out of that mindful, patient persona.
So anyway, I did not get the job, so that is that.
I did initiate a convo with W today to see if I could get her to work with me towards a divorce. No dice. She still maintains that all options other than the current scenario are unacceptable to her and that if I want a D, it will be all mine, she will tell the kids I am leaving them, etc. As expected, logic did not sway her, she thinks I am arrogant and selfish for wanting a D and that she is putting the kids first with her stance. oookaaayy.
AG, I am interested in your opinion that it is unacceptable to live in separate locations than the kids. I agree that this is not optimal, but I know quite a few people who make this work, even some of whom are married! I agree that a long term assignment overseas, for example, would not be acceptable.
Qoe,
Quote:
You need to either make your M work or D and you're doing neither. Limbo sucks!!!
I have tried everything I can to make the M work. At this point, I am just making a mockery of myself to even bring this up as an option. Therefore, the choices are 1) limbo or 2) D. Looks like I will get to be the bad guy and intitiate the D.
Also, I do the things I do because they make be happy. Before the bomb, I just avoided conflict and was unhappy, at least now I have some things in my life which bring me joy. Obviously this behavior pattern is something I need to work on before I am ready for a new R.
Thanks for caring enough to post, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I know that you care very much about your children. I would suggest that you look at The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce before making any decisions.
Would she consider legal sep? Also, if you apply for joint physical custody, you have the grounds to explain to your children, with counseling, that the sitch has nothing to do with them and is between you and the mother....
Kids get picked on by unfair teachers, bullies, etc. They have no rights until 18. By the simple fact that they are smaller, immature, etc makes them vulnerable to innumerous crap that can come into our lives. We can't control it all, but be ready to be there to help them make sense of things and deal with the craziness of humanity. You may have to make the choice that works for you, after you have read up on all of the consequences, and them help the kids manage whatever changes may come.
