I understood 2 or 3 things

[rop]

Kat - I am so exhausted - I so don't want to fight again for this!
Anyway I sent her an email saying I changed my mind about Saturday - and I am not going to give her this kind of break at least until the divorce is final. - I know this means she is going to be mad and all this - I don't even know if it is worth it.
Today we fought also at the phone - I told her again that what she is doing is WRONG - she said that she just doesn't want to stay with me so she is moving on...... hey there is not much I can do and this little fight of mine seems a bit ridiculous.
I sent back an email to my ex saying it was nice to hear from her after so many years and that yes things are not going too well and my W filed for divorce.
She didn't replay back - yet - I don't know what kind of insight she can give me, but hey at this point anything is welcome

I can't fight anymore though- I am so tired - She is sooo not worth it - I am not like the ones that say they would always be in love with their W/H, if it wasn't for the kids I would be done - happy not to see her again - but because of the kids I see her EVERYDAY - and it is so much pain - too much pain.
She let me down big time - her egoism is total - this is not the kind of person I wanted to spend the rest of mi life with.
I'll try to relax a bit now.... the blood pressure is going too high.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

ROP,

Good for you for changing your mind! I'm constantly amazed at how many people think they just CAN'T do that. WELL OF COURSE YOU CAN!!!

You don't have to fight. Just drop the rope, but don't enable. You can't stop her from having a fun little overnighter, but you can damned sure NOT make it easy for her.

Adulterus interruptus, baby.

- Puppy

[kat727]

Ok, your moving out is supposed to give you some distance, perhaps some clarity. You need to quit lecturing to her, it does nothing but wake the beast within her. She knows what she is doing is wrong, right now she just doesn't care. She is just like an addict and will lie, cheat, steal to get her drug of choice.
You must have loved her once, if not why haven't you filed and gotten this over with? You are waiting for something, what is it?

Don't let her draw you into fights, that just makes her feel as if she is justified with what she is doing. Work on you right now. Get to a place where you can say you are happy with the person you are. Back off and let's see what happens.
kat

[rop]

puppy
She changed her mind about her marriage.... I can change my mind about what I want to do Saturday night

kat
You are right, I need to find my place in life, these days in Santa Barbara where wonderful and I was truly happy.
I try not to lecture her, but sometimes she talks like everything is OK and she is not doing anything wrong - I HAVE TO say that what she is doing IS wrong - then she asks.... why?.... and I start boiling... WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY???? YOU ARE DESTROYING A FAMILY we have 2 small kids, there are also some responsibilities here.... no? then she says, "I tried to save this marriage but with no results... and I say.... "what did you try???".... and she answers... "I tried my own way".... here I am puzzled.... Your own way??? did it work??...... she answer "obviously not".... ok did you try "ANYTHING ELSE" besides your "own way"?..... and she says.... "I that point I was to tired to try anything else.... at that point I just wanted out".

It is all bulls**t... she fell for somebody at work..... and she wasn't able to stop the relation for the sake of her family.... she went for it.... this is unacceptable.
I have been and I am a very good husband and father, I know I am far from perfect, and I made mistakes, but I never did anything against my W or kids....

I need some meditation....
thank you guys for being here - I would go nuts without you

[hopeful4her]

I know I have said these things to WW. And her answers were the same.

Scenario:

If you were still living in the house, and WW said she was going out. You knew she would probably see OM. Would you say, "You better get a babysitter, because I ain't staying with the kids." What is the right thing to do by the kids.

I only ask, because I have been put in similar sitch before. I decided to stay with my kids. Better for me to have spent the time with them anyway.

What is the right answer.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

I have been in that sitch almost every weekend, except for me it is WW going out with enabling GF's as OM is miles away. I stay with the kids and absolutely enjoy the time with them.

Just my approach. If OM was in city, think I may have a diff take.

[hopeful4her]

I know I have THOUGHT that I would say that I wouldn't, but when it came down to it, I stayed with my kids. May make me look like an A**, but I didn't/don't care. I am with my kids.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

Being with the K's is the important thing when WW mind is f*****d up!

[rop]

Yes - the kids first - when she said she is going in her "business trip" for a week I said "I am not taking the kids - find another solution" - then she bought planes tickets to fly them in L.A. where they would stay with her dysfunctional sister(!!!!) I said I changed my mind and I'll take the kids - and she was mad - because I am "unreliable" and she wasted the money of the plane tickets - I said I wanted to see how far she could go and in how much trouble she was willing to put the kids for her "trip" - it has been reveling I must say. A good mother? I don't think so - not now.

[lost_in_space]

I have been diarizing all the times that WW has "left" the kids with me to go do her own thing. Amazing how often this year. Not sure what good it will do me other to know I am not abandoning them! My business travel has even been curtailed this year (partly luck and partly due to change in job responsibilities) so that helps.

Some WW may not get realize what they are doing to the M but how can they not see what they are, as mothers, doing to the K's?????

Makes me sick!