Searching for the truth..for me 5

[sgctxok]

Bear,

I'm glad you are strong, resolved, and owning yourself more (can't think of a better way to describe it).

But JUST GET INFORMATION now. This still may not be something you want to do. And as outrageous as it is, you may decide you still want to give it a chance.

There are so many options. Soooooo many. Your ultimate happiness is MY goal.

(btw--is the other woman married?)

sg

[phbear316]

SG

The question does ultimately lie in just that, is this something I want, I honestly have to say i am leaning more towards yes.

Jeanette is right, i am being mentally abused by h. He is carrying on his own life, without me. I need to get out from under him. If and I mean if, there is another chance, i will cross that bridge when i get there. my heart is empty right now for h, will i always love him, yes I believe that so, but I also know I cannot and am not making him happy. I believe we are soul mates, but it was in a past lifetime. I realize he is hurting too. I don't think as much as me, but to a point it has to be killing him. For it is killing me.

I don't really know what options there are really. He wants out from me to start his happy new life. He wants to be the big family man.

I want someone to love me for me. If that person is him, lots of work has to be done. I want happiness, and i am no seeing more and more it will be without H. I don't really know if I can forgive all the lies, the cheating, etc. In the past 4 weeks more and more information has been brought to my attention of how long this has been truly going on. People have been saying things to me now that its out, of issues going back a solid 18 months ago.

What h has done, is just not a one time affair thing, he is planning a new life with this woman, and her kids. The comment about me not having or wanting kids is h's way to take the blame off himself for his fault and make excuses to make him look like he is the victim abandoned and left. No H. Other way around, but if you feel you must tell yourself this, ok.

I am beginning to come to grip with I may not be able to keep the house, but I know there are things I want, and i want my happiness again, somewhere my happiness is out there, and i need to find it again. It may never lie again with my H, and for that I am making peace within myself.

Is there truly a second chance with H, i don't think so. You cannot make someone love you, no matter how hard you try. I will leave the door open a crack for h, but i will not be sitting on the other side, waiting for him to come thru. I cannot, for it will not bring me happiness.

Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter, I don't have anything to say. What am i to say, how was your family fun day at the amusement park? No I would rather not say anything. He does not want to talk to me, he wants to talk to his new family and new woman. I will always ask how his day was, be nice and kind, I don't want to argue, even though we never really did. I don't want to start now.

Am i scared, yes. Do i have anxiety absolutely, had a huge anxiety attack last night home alone by myself since he is away, he would not help anyway if he was even here. I had to work myself out of it, almost called 911 just to have someone talk to me but nope. I survived, i did it, by myself.

Do I want to be alone no, I will always want someone in my life, when the time is right the person will come into my life. Not today, not tomorrow but someday, for there is someone out there who truly will love me for me.

SG, i know she is newly divorced. I don't think it was final when they started dating as far as my calculated time line goes. So when they started she was still married.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

SG

The question does ultimately lie in just that, is this something I want, I honestly have to say i am leaning more towards no.

Jeanette is right, i am being mentally abused by h. He is carrying on his own life, without me. I need to get out from under him. If and I mean if, there is another chance, i will cross that bridge when i get there. my heart is empty right now for h, will i always love him, yes I believe that so, but I also know I cannot and am not making him happy. I believe we are soul mates, but it was in a past lifetime. I realize he is hurting too. I don't think as much as me, but to a point it has to be killing him. For it is killing me.

I don't really know what options there are really. He wants out from me to start his happy new life. He wants to be the big family man.

I want someone to love me for me. If that person is him, lots of work has to be done. I want happiness, and i am seeing more and more it will be without H. I don't really know if I can forgive all the lies, the cheating, etc. In the past 4 weeks more and more information has been brought to my attention of how long this has been truly going on. People have been saying things to me now that its out, of issues going back a solid 20+ months ago. So even if they were seen in public 20 months ago, this had to have started at least as an emotional affair long before that. My guess is some time fall 2006.

What h has done, is just not a one time affair thing, he is planning a new life with this woman, and her kids. The comment about me not having or wanting kids is h's way to take the blame off himself for his fault and make excuses to make him look like he is the victim abandoned and left. No H. Other way around, but if you feel you must tell yourself this, ok.

I am beginning to come to grip with I may not be able to keep the house, but I know there are things I want, and i want my happiness again, somewhere my happiness is out there, and i need to find it again. It may never lie again with my H, and for that I am making peace within myself.

Is there truly a second chance with H, i don't think so. You cannot make someone love you, no matter how hard you try. I will leave the door open a crack for h, but i will not be sitting on the other side, crying and waiting for him to come thru. I cannot, for it will not bring me happiness only sadness pain and dissappointment

Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter, I don't have anything to say. What am i to say, how was your family fun day at the amusement park? No I would rather not say anything. He does not want to talk to me, he wants to talk to his new family and new woman. I will always ask how his day was, be nice and kind, I don't want to argue, even though we never really did. I don't want to start now.

Am i scared, yes. Do i have anxiety absolutely, had a huge anxiety attack last night home alone by myself since he is away, he would not help anyway if he was even here. I had to work myself out of it, almost called 911 just to have someone talk to me but nope. I survived, i did it, by myself.

Do I want to be alone no, I will always want someone in my life, when the time is right the person will come into my life. Not today, maybe tomorrow but someday, for there is someone out there who truly will love me for me.

SG, i know she is newly divorced. I don't think it was final when they started dating as far as my calculated time line goes. So when they started she was still married.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

sorry the first one i answered the question wrong, tried to go back and change yes to no, thought I did nope it just copied it over with my correction

So please pay no attention to the first post, look at the second one

You used to be able to edit and remove post not anymore how come?

[sgctxok]

ok...i hear you

[Jeanette1120]

Happy Friday bear !!

Whatcha been up to?

Hugs,

Jeanette

[phbear316]

Hi Jeanette!!

Busy today. was supposed to be off, but had to go into work. To catch up.

Very bummed this afternoon had a long conversation with mil. She is scheduled for major abdominal surgery on Mon AM for CA of the colon. Surgeon says the usual time for this surgery should be two hours, he is expecting minimum 6 hours. She is to be intubated till wednesday.

I have a horrible, horrible feeling about this. When I did speak to h today for a few minutes I asked if he was going to extend his stay, his reply I will see what happens monday. Are you kidding me. Your mother is facing life and death surgery and all you care about is your new job? You are the temporary director, direct from florida.

I am beginning to see a side of H that i do not like. THis cold, uncaring, almost evil side. Shows he is all wrapped up in himself and only himself, her, and her kids.

I am hurt and confused, part of me wants to go down to be there for her, I feel no one else cares. Last year they let the poor woman rehab home alone at 77 yrs old, giving me the story, she does not need any help, she has to learn how to do it herself. I let them talk me out of it. I want to go, but really cannot afford to go, money wise and work wise. I also feel very unwelcome.

I know I need to make the right decision. I don't know if I don't go I am wrong if I go I am wrong. If I do go, i will rent my own car depend so I dont have to depend on sil & bil to drive me. Not really wanting to see them, but know i must. Should I go while she is in the hospital, should I wait till she gets home?

Since h has been gone, i think i have talked to him maybe 10 minutes. I have ignored calls, and texts. H usually calls me in AM and then very late like 1am or later at night. Last night i never answered the phone cause i did not hear it.

I tried to get the direct deposit stuff done today, but I needed some additional paperwork, thought I could do it without it, called over the dept was gone. Monday it will be. Put out two feelers for lawyers, awaiting return calls.

I'm thinking about taking down my wedding picture and engagement picture. When h first told me he wanted a D a year ago, I immediately took down the pictures, and put them up 24 hours later, I was not ready then, I think I am ready now. Is that stupid? what did you do?

Well that's all for now,

Hugs
bear

[sgctxok]

I think you should go or try to go. That's the high road. It will never fail you. Offer to HER, not him or anyone else. You won't regret it, because at least you took care of your own sense of what's right and good. If they refuse to let you help, you tried.

You've loved this woman for years (even if you don't always like her). YOU'RE STILL BEAR.

[phbear316]

when your are right SG, you are right,

It may only be for a long weekend, but its something.

hugs
bear

[phbear316]

Well

MIL did ok, with surgery, not great in my opinion, but I am not there to judge. I do think h will come home tomorrow, and you know I cannot believe I am going to say this, I did not miss him.

I so enjoyed my week alone, in my house, was I lonely a little but kept busy.

We will see what h does tomorrow if she is "ok" enough for him to come home. We will see, I think the next few days are going to be a very rough road for her.

hugs
bear