Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

SG

The question does ultimately lie in just that, is this something I want, I honestly have to say i am leaning more towards no.

Jeanette is right, i am being mentally abused by h. He is carrying on his own life, without me. I need to get out from under him. If and I mean if, there is another chance, i will cross that bridge when i get there. my heart is empty right now for h, will i always love him, yes I believe that so, but I also know I cannot and am not making him happy. I believe we are soul mates, but it was in a past lifetime. I realize he is hurting too. I don't think as much as me, but to a point it has to be killing him. For it is killing me.

I don't really know what options there are really. He wants out from me to start his happy new life. He wants to be the big family man.

I want someone to love me for me. If that person is him, lots of work has to be done. I want happiness, and i am seeing more and more it will be without H. I don't really know if I can forgive all the lies, the cheating, etc. In the past 4 weeks more and more information has been brought to my attention of how long this has been truly going on. People have been saying things to me now that its out, of issues going back a solid 20+ months ago. So even if they were seen in public 20 months ago, this had to have started at least as an emotional affair long before that. My guess is some time fall 2006.

What h has done, is just not a one time affair thing, he is planning a new life with this woman, and her kids. The comment about me not having or wanting kids is h's way to take the blame off himself for his fault and make excuses to make him look like he is the victim abandoned and left. No H. Other way around, but if you feel you must tell yourself this, ok.

I am beginning to come to grip with I may not be able to keep the house, but I know there are things I want, and i want my happiness again, somewhere my happiness is out there, and i need to find it again. It may never lie again with my H, and for that I am making peace within myself.

Is there truly a second chance with H, i don't think so. You cannot make someone love you, no matter how hard you try. I will leave the door open a crack for h, but i will not be sitting on the other side, crying and waiting for him to come thru. I cannot, for it will not bring me happiness only sadness pain and dissappointment

Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter, I don't have anything to say. What am i to say, how was your family fun day at the amusement park? No I would rather not say anything. He does not want to talk to me, he wants to talk to his new family and new woman. I will always ask how his day was, be nice and kind, I don't want to argue, even though we never really did. I don't want to start now.

Am i scared, yes. Do i have anxiety absolutely, had a huge anxiety attack last night home alone by myself since he is away, he would not help anyway if he was even here. I had to work myself out of it, almost called 911 just to have someone talk to me but nope. I survived, i did it, by myself.

Do I want to be alone no, I will always want someone in my life, when the time is right the person will come into my life. Not today, maybe tomorrow but someday, for there is someone out there who truly will love me for me.

SG, i know she is newly divorced. I don't think it was final when they started dating as far as my calculated time line goes. So when they started she was still married.

hugs
bear