will it last this time?

[lise]

I think I belong here...don't really know for sure. Are you ever completely sure the recommitment is real?

H has suddenly ended his EA that began 4 years ago, was put on hold for 3 years (after I found out), and rekindled 3 months ago when our M floundered. Now he wants to move back home again after 2 months trying the "other path". He has done an about-face - all apologetic, professing his love for me, admitting his mistakes and issues... It feels as sudden and dramatic as his decision to end our M.

But at the same time I am not surprised... shocked, but not surprised. There were lots of warning signs before he actually left, and there were plenty of signs that he wasn't completely gone even after he left. I KNEW he was confused. I was SURE he would eventually see the light even though EVERYONE else was completely buying his story and advising me to move on. I could tell he had doubts and still loved me even though he couldn't commit to me. The DB techniques worked like a charm every time I saw him and I am sure they are how I survived this dark and lonely time and they are why he is here wanting to try again.

But now I am confused by my confusion. He has had a pattern of infidelity that I only found out about 3 years ago. He never wanted to leave the M until this last one (an EA) but he had fooled around several other times just "to get his needs met." I thought I wanted him back, worked hard to keep the door open for him, but now wonder if I can handle the uncertainty of his ability to ever be truly faithful to me. My counselor compared it to learning to accept the risks of living with an addict. He is starting to deal with his issues... I think. It feels different than 3 years ago when we first started dealing with this and he tried to end the R with OW.

I am different, he is different. But are we really? Will it last this time? What signs do I need?

[sgctxok]

Hi Lise,

I understand your confusion. Signs will never do it. Years of consistent actions, maybe. Problem with that is....it takes years to know. So you trust, or you don't.

So build s l o w l y. Take your time. One step forward, 3 steps back. But you still move forward.

You rebuild your relationship. Use your DB skills for communication, action, etc.

And as you know, it isn't words, it's actions.

But YOUR actions matter too. And you need to know, if he's back, you were doing SOMETHING RIGHT.

What was it?



congrats...and prayers for every good thing,
sg

[sgctxok]

Hi Lise,

I understand your confusion. Signs will never do it. Years of consistent actions, maybe. Problem with that is....it takes years to know. So you trust, or you don't.

So build s l o w l y. Take your time. One step forward, 3 steps back. But you still move forward.

You rebuild your relationship. Use your DB skills for communication, action, etc.

And as you know, it isn't words, it's actions.

But YOUR actions matter too. And you need to know, if he's back, you were doing SOMETHING RIGHT.

What was it?



congrats...and prayers for every good thing,
sg

[limbo]

Lise,

This is probably the hardest part! Its not easy!
It will take time, and the only thing that will to put you at ease is what your H actions are.
Continue on working on you, don't try to get to wrapped up in the relationship, and just let things happen slowly, you can't rush things, because that could cause them to run again.
You may want to considered doing a retrouvaille weekend, it helps with communication, it really helped us!
The biggest thing is that you have to be prepared to give it time, because it will take time. Not only with your H but with you too, you have to begin to trust and feel safe and that will only come with time.