I see a woman who married young, has two children, a husband in school and working at night. I see a woman who began to wonder if this was how it was always going to be. I see a woman who felt like the romance was gone, that her husband had begun settling into the security of the marriage always being there. And I think eventually she decided that she didn't want things to stay that way.
You said yourself in one of your earlier posts that you realize NOW that her nagging was not nagging, but instead a plea to you that things needed to change.
I'm not sure what the living arrangements are. Do you own a house? Who lives in what was your house together? Who has the kids overnight? What arrangements do you have for seeing the kids if you're not currently the custodial parent?
One additional question, not important, just curious. You have a 15 year old daughter, yet your signature block says you've been together for only 12 years?
Anyway, on to my take.
I think Tink perhaps hit the nail on the head early on when she suggested that your wife really wants you to win her back. I think she wants courted again. And maybe that's too specific, because she may not be sure right now that she wants YOU to court her, but I do think that she wants to be romanced again by someone.
The condoms bother me and cause me to wonder if she's considering pursuing others. Though I should mention that one of the worst things you can do for the two of you right now is to accuse her of something that you have no solid proof for. THAT one didn't win you any points.
I'm not really sure about the going dark approach. Let me say that IF, and I repeat IF, she IS involving herself with other men, then I absolutely think going dark is the correct route.
If you don't know that for sure, I might be inclined to take a different approach.
Is it possible for YOU to take on the role of friend?
Can you think back to when the two of you met for the first time. At some point there was chemistry, yes. But before that, there was friendship. I think maybe THAT is the place to start.
Seems to me that when you become aloof and hurry away that this bothers her. To me that supports the notion that she wants you to WANT her. To be with her. To help her. To do things with her. To accept her help.
Divorce busting is a bit of a misnomer if you've read either of the books. While the techniques in the book are designed to improve interactions between you and your spouse, much of the philosophy behind the books is centered on YOU taking stock of you. It involves you identifying how YOU have changed, for the worse, and taking steps to fix those things. Remember your observation that her "nagging" was an effort to get you to change? Take that revelation and begin making those changes.
Don't be frightened by the divorce talk. It's quite common in these situations for the walk away spouse to threaten divorce action anytime they are angry with you. Give it a day or two and it will usually blow over. In the meantime, focus on yourself, continue working on YOUR issues, and be open to opportunities to show your unconditional love to her.
Don't tell her you love her. Don't tell her how much you want the marriage to work. Don't tell her how much she means to you.
SHOW HER all these things through your actions.
Remember, they speak much louder than words.
This is doable. This relationship can be saved. You have to focus and not allow yourself to be rattled in her presence. You have to control yourself and not collapse into a weeping mess. You have to believe that the two of you belong together.
Unconditional love is love that we SHOW through our actions, not caring WHAT we receive in return. If she's really searching and angry right now, chances are that many of your attempts at love and kindness will NOT get the positive result you hope for. It's very important to tell yourself over and over again that your unconditional love for this woman comes with NO EXPECTATIONS.
There's always the fear of being a doormat, but I don't see that being a problem just yet. You can deal with that later if it becomes an issue.
Just my thoughts Jonzy. Sorry more people haven't been by to help. Thank goodness for Tink, eh?
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
