Hey whatdidido, I'm here for you, why do I think W will regret her decision, 1. she has always told me and continues to tell me that I'm the best husband anyone could ever have, gentle, kind, understanding, giving, etc. 2. she has always told me and continues to tell me that I'm the best father anyone could ever ask for, I'm direct, I'm concerned, I'm involved, I'm patient, etc. 3. she has 4 beautiful children that she is walking away from. It doesn't feel that bad right now, but when she is working fulltime and they are in school fulltime, and they grow farther and farther apart, I think she will regret her decisions. 4. As I begin to move away from her, we have been each others best friends for years, as I begin to live my own life without her, I believe she will begin to regret her decision, she has already said to me, she is scared of me finding another woman, she is extremely jealous and to see me with anyone, will drive her up the wall. 5. As she gets back into the real world of taking care of herself paying her own way, bills, etc where you have to decide that you cannot go out becaue you don't have enough money, etc. 6. As she begins to lose the excitement of the OM 7. As our friends and family begin to understand what she has done to me and her kids.
Kat727, thank you for the prayers, I need them. listen to this, W had a interview tonight, she looked beautiful, I took kids to D9 softball game, W interview was at 7:00pm, its now 10:00pm interview is way over, she is out doing who knows what, I came home and I wanted to call her (I wanted her home), I was sooo tempted to call her and say, whats going on, why aren't you home helping out ??? kept thinking of you guys and where I'm headed and thought to myself, don't call her, leave her alone in her fantasy world. I have to get use to her not being here, I cannot call her and act like I want her.
See earlier post about W telling D9 about what is going on and D9 not saying much about it. D9 came down to my office to kiss me goodnight, and I asked her if she understood what W was telling her today, D9 said nothing and just ran upstairs to her bed crying. I took care of the situation, D9 and the rest of the kids have always heard the same thing from me, Mom does what she wants and there is nothing we can do about it. I have told them this again and again. When they expect mom to be at a softball game or do something with them she said she would and it doesn't happen, they understand, mom does what she wants and there is nothing we can do about it. W has let the kids down so many time already in their short life.
I need to check on the kids, I'll talk to everyone shortly, thank you all for looking in on me, Girls, Kat727, Karen43. whatdidido, Sara, goodnight and sweetdreams.
I'm going to be happy, helpful, forgiving, patient and loving. Not just to W and kids, but to everyone I know and meet. This is me, this is how I want to live my life, this may not be the best course of action to save a marriage, but its the best way to live my life. Why is the right path is always the hardest.
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important.
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? let me hope !!! Moving Van comming Saturday May 31st
Something's been gnawing at me about your sitch, and I'd be anxious to hear if anyone else agrees or maybe it's just me.
You seem to be taking "detachment" soooooo far to the extreme, that it's like you've adopted this attitude of "I dare you to leave me" with your wife. Some of the things you post -- it's like "this is what it's going to be like for her, and she won't be allowed to come and go, and she's going to regret this," etc.
Is your marriage not worth some final attempts to reach out here? I'm not saying that -- intellectually -- your wife doesn't know where you stand. I'm certain she does. But she's also fogged out right now, making poor decisions, and you seem content to let the mother of your children walk over the edge of the cliff (figuratively), and tell your kids "There's nothing we can do; your mother wants to walk over the edge of the cliff. She's going to regret this, but all we can do is love and be kind to everyone we meet."
Well, doesn't that include your wife? Doesn't "love" in this sense include not just everyday kindnesses (which you certainly do), but some sort of a TOUGH love, whereby you reach out to her and offer your arm before she goes off the cliff?
I know you are a man of faith, as am I. Sometimes God reaches out to us, even when it's long past the time when He should have to, and gives us yet another opportunity to say "yes" to Him.
Puppy: Is your marriage not worth some final attempts to reach out here? I'm not saying that -- intellectually -- your wife doesn't know where you stand. I'm certain she does. But she's also fogged out right now, making poor decisions, and you seem content to let the mother of your children walk over the edge of the cliff (figuratively), and tell your kids "There's nothing we can do; your mother wants to walk over the edge of the cliff. She's going to regret this, but all we can do is love and be kind to everyone we meet."
Well, doesn't that include your wife? Doesn't "love" in this sense include not just everyday kindnesses (which you certainly do), but some sort of a TOUGH love, whereby you reach out to her and offer your arm before she goes off the cliff?
What can I do ??? I'm not going to put up with there being a OM What can I do ??? my W doesn't love me What can I do ??? my W is in love with someone else What can I do ??? my W cannot handle the chaos of 4 kids What can I do ??? my W screams at the children
I called her this morning and told her D9 was crying last night when I asked D9 if she understood what her mother was doing. W said D9 was doing fine this morning, no signs that she has any problems.
As karen43 said: I might be wrong but it sounds to me like your W has already emotionally checked out of your R and from your kids as well - she has checked out. people all over this post say we cannot control our S, we can only control ourselves, we can do 180 stuff, GAL and go dark
I don't have too many options and I'm tired.
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose that's important.
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? let me hope !!! Moving Van coming Saturday May 31st
There may, indeed, be NOTHING you can do. And I'll admit, I only started following your sitch within the last 30 days or so. But you seem to have a completely fatalistic attitude that you can do ANYTHING whatsoever.
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What can I do ??? I'm not going to put up with there being a OM
I'm not saying you SHOULD put up with it. You know from reading my stuff that I'm as hard-core as they come on that. When was the last time you asked her "is this really what you want to do?" When was the last time you said "I won't tolerate a third person in our marriage. When are you going to stop this insanity and come back and work at this; is running away what you REALLY want to teach your children?"
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What can I do ??? my W doesn't love me
In her current fogged-out state, I'm sure it seems that she doesn't. But I don't think this is the real "her", either. What can you do? You can fight for her, with everything you got, instead of just saying "there's nothing I can do."
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What can I do ??? my W is in love with someone else
Oh please. Do you REALLY think she's in love with him? Or is it some fogged-out lust? Do you REALLY think this guy is the best thing for her?
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What can I do ??? my W cannot handle the chaos of 4 kids
You've been married for 10 years. At what point did YOU (not her) come to the conclusion that she's an incapable mother?
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What can I do ??? my W screams at the children
Totally unacceptable, I agree.
Jeff, I KNOW you're tired, and you may not have ANY good options here. Few of us do/did. I just want you to consider what you're going to tell your wife -- or your kids -- 10 years from now, when they ask you "Why didn't you try to stop me/her?"
If you can honestly say you did everything you could, then OK. And again, maybe it IS just me, but I get this weird vibe from you almost like you're "daring" her to screw up her life. Like underneath your "I'm going to love everyone I meet" exterior you are SEETHING inside (it oozes from between the lines of some of your posts), but rather than trying to channel that righteous indignation (and you have EVERY RIGHT to be righteously indignant!!!) into one last-ditch attempt at salvaging your marriage, you've instead gone into "don'tchiveachit" mode.
There is just a passive-aggressiveness vibe I'm getting from Jeff's posts. And I KNOW how much he's struggling, and he is -- by all accounts -- a man of strength and great character, trying to hold his family together while his wife pays him the ultimate betrayal.
I've been there. It's only by God's grace and the prayers of others that you can even get thru the day, much less be there for your kids, and on your job, etc. It's not easy (and is, in fact, the hardest thing I've ever had to do).
So my post to Jeff was not a criticism, but just a simple "gut-check," and to see if any others (since it's easier to see from the outside sometimes) were picking up the same vibe.
Puppy: When was the last time you asked her "is this really what you want to do?" When was the last time you said "I won't tolerate a third person in our marriage.
W says OM isn't reason she is leaving, its her ability to handle the day to day chaos of the house, she feels like she is getting no where in life. W says she isn't cut out for M, doesn't like to tell someone where she is going. I tried to let her run, I tried to help her envision her goals and we talked about what we could do, told her I would support what she wanted to do, and we would put the kids into daycare in the summertime, so she could pursue her dreams, school, etc.
She is a capable mother, she doesn't think so, I keep telling her her that I know she is trying the best that she could and I would never ask more of her. I have always tried to help out around the house, The kids are all well adjusted and are loved by her. She keeps saying she was never cut out for M with children.
I will tell her again before she leaves on Saturday, that I love her, that I want her, I will ask her is there anything I can do to stop her from leaving. I was thinking of asking her, that when she comes home from work Friday night, to come to bed and let me hold her, since it will be her last night with me. I don't know
This is my last hope: If you lover her let her go, if she comes back she is yours if she doesn't, she never was. I also have to remain positive and look good and happy as I'm constantly being compared to OM. Hopefully the high of the OM wears off and she comes back to reality when kids are in school fulltime and she is working fulltime to support herself
what should I do any and all suggestions would be appreciated, I have said this in the past I do love my wife.
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important.
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? let me hope !!! Moving Van coming Saturday May 31st
Puppy: When was the last time you asked her "is this really what you want to do?" When was the last time you said "I won't tolerate a third person in our marriage.
W says OM isn't reason she is leaving, its her ability to handle the day to day chaos of the house, she feels like she is getting no where in life. W says she isn't cut out for M, doesn't like to tell someone where she is going. I tried to let her run, I tried to help her envision her goals and we talked about what we could do, told her I would support what she wanted to do, and we would put the kids into daycare in the summertime, so she could pursue her dreams, school, etc.
She is a capable mother, she doesn't think so, I keep telling her her that I know she is trying the best that she could and I would never ask more of her. I have always tried to help out around the house, The kids are all well adjusted and are loved by her. She keeps saying she was never cut out for M with children.
Jeff,
I don't have a lot of time here, and neither do you. So I'm sorry I'm being abrupt, but what I'm trying to determine in your situation is, is she TRULY an unfit parent, or is this just so much affair/WAW "script"?
Puppy, thank you so much for your help and your post, My W is a good mother but she doesn't thinks so, the constant mess drives her up the wall. She is a clean freak in an environment of chaos. She feels like she is going no where in her life, she does love me (like a brother) she is having an A, she is attempting to look better, younger, tanner, etc.
I have always suspected a MLC
I can only be nice to her, she knows I want her, I love her, and I'll be faithful. I don't know what to do, other than let her go and work on myself.
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important.
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? let me hope !!! Moving Van coming Saturday May 31st
Jeff, she sounds a lot like my W. He wants to be single, less responsibility, able to run and bike and date whenever he wants, thinks he's in love with OW, not in love with me anymore. I do think it can be hard sometimes with that type of person. You can try one more attempt before she leaves as Puppy suggested to try to prevent her from making a huge mistake, but I understand what it's like when they're already emotionally checked out, thinks their new life will be "perfect": you know my H said stuff like he was going to have more money, more time (but same job), we'd all be happier, and all these other fantasies. It's hard to argue or compete with fantasyland! Karen
Karen