My husband and I separated 8 months ago. I have been desperately (note that word!) trying to get him back. We were seeing each other once a week moving to twice a week (at his reluctance)until about a month ago when it seemed like we were making real progress in terms of talking etc. Then we both went on separate holidays for 3 weeks during which time I discovered he had actually gone with another girl who he says, and I believe, that they are just 'really good friends'. Is this an emotional affair??
When I got back, instead of discussing what had happened, or even meeting with no discussion he closed off and told me that' he couldn't do this anymore'. Since then, I have backed off totally and have discovered divorce busting. I am trying the last resort technique and haven't contacted him.
He contacted me twice since to ask how I was and the ask what happens next. I texted back and asked if he wanted to meet. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have done that! He backed off again and texted back a week later to say that he wasn't ready yet. I said that was absolutly fine.
Now I am anxious, it was our anniversary yesterday and he made no contact. How can I employ the techniques if I cannot even contact him, but I know that if I do he feels backed into a corner.
First off I am sorry you are here, but this is a good place to come if you are in your position. I have only been here a short while and have found some excellent support. Most people would want to know some more information about your situation (how many years married, circumstances of spearation, kids, etc) basically trying to get to know you. One other thing people find helpful is to kind of setup a thread like this one to be "your thread" so people can follow your story.
Just on inspection I would guess there might be something with the OW, possibly an EA that he doesn't even recognize as such. I had one a number of years ago that started off as friends until I woke up one day and realized I had feelings for this person.
Do you and your H have any mutual friends? If so if you start to GAL and start working on your self, it is likely that word will get back.
I really don't want to suggest anymore since I don't know too much and am relatively inexperienced at this whole game. You will likely find some excellent advice from some of the more experienced people.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Hi, thanks for your post. I haven't really done this before so wasn't really sure what to do/ say.
We have been together 7 years, living together for 3 and married for 2 years. We are both 26. As soon as we got married he became very ill with a chronic disease. We got through this difficult time really well together but almost as soon as he was better things started to fall apart. He got a new job and I lost mine, he started going out with new friends/ absorbing himself in work and I felt increasingly lonely. It ended up in me pushing him away by my being needy and he left 8 months ago and is living rent free in his parents flat by himself (they have a house in the country that they live in). I am still in our house. We have no kids and no real mutual friends as we have separate friends from university etc. and have not really been married and living in this area long enough to make mutual ones which is why I feel cut off from him knowing anything about me apart from what I tell him.
I am starting to work on myself and admit I am feeling sorry for myself/ helpless particularly today. When I went on holiday I went travelling by myself to Malaysia - I hoped that would prove to him (and more importantly to myself) that I was strong and independent. But when I came back I was clingy again because he was ignoring me and I wanted to know what was going on with this potential OW.
I don't know whether I should just text him (his prefered method of communication) about light things like a TV programme we used to enjoy that is on at the moment to try and establish some form of communication or to just leave him to it - which is I suppose what he wants me to do.
I'm really hoping to find people who are in similar situations to just talk to when I need to. It is so confusing and I feel like I constantly make the wrong decisions and my friends and family just want me to get on with my life so I won't be hurt. I don't want to do this. I love him and really want our marriage to work, it just seems he doesn't.
It is so confusing and I feel like I constantly make the wrong decisions and my friends and family just want me to get on with my life so I won't be hurt. I don't want to do this. I love him and really want our marriage to work, it just seems he doesn't.
Julia,
This pretty much describes everyone here, they want their marriage to work and their spouse is indifferent or completely against it, so you have come to the right place for support. It is normal for your friends to not want to see you get hurt, but if you want to fight for your marriage then by all means do so.....this is your decision.
The nice thing about DBing is that it only relies on you changing you. Basically returning you to the person you were when you got together not the needy clingy person you have become.
In general I wouldn't initiate a text message with him (even over something innocent). It will come across as needy and unattractive. It is sad but this is how they think.
Asking him about the OW is just going to push him further away. If he wants space there is little you can do aside for yourself that wouldn't be destructive. Do more things with your girlfriends, etc....this will show him you have a life too and am doing fine. If he contacts you don't immediately reply, etc....act a little dark.
Most affairs only last about 6 months (which is a short time if you are talking about being married to someone for the rest of your life). During this time they figure out the grass isn't as green on the other side. So work on you.....so regardsless of what happens you are in good shape!
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
From personal experience, getting clingy doesn't work. At all. It just makes them mad. He may not want it to work right now, but there is always a chance he will in the future. The key is to let your H figure out his own feelings.
It is about detaching, which is easier said than done. Have your own life, keep busy, work on self. You are entitled to be happy, but in order to do this, you do have to detach yourself from the situation. Realize that THIS relationship is over, but that does not mean you can't begin a new one with your spouse in the future.
In the meantime, post. This place has been great. I have only been here a few weeks, but support and love of strangers who know exactly what you are going through is invaluable.
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thank you both, I really appreciate what you've written. It's been a tough day today! I've resisted texting, even though it has been really hard and that has been down to writing here instead of writing to him... seriously, I'm not normally this person and I hate being this person. Hopefully tomorrow I won't be again!
I hope you are not that person tomorrow as well....it is no fun. Today I was one of those people but I kept it too myself. The worst part was that I had my kids today and still felt sad that my W wasn't there.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Although my h and I have been separated for 8 months it was only 3 weeks ago he told me that he felt unable to work on our relationship and it has been only since then that we have had barely any contact. Obviously this is frustrating to me but what doesn't help is well-meaning people asking me about it. When I say I am giving him the space he asks for, they look at me like I am being a fool, pity me and start to hint strongly that I should be initiating divorce. I want to shout
IT HAS BEEN 3 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why should I feel ashamed that I want to carry on working at my marriage? Ok, I have been really hurt but it is me being hurt and not them. They don't seem to understand that this is a huge part of my life and I am not 'over it' yet. I think they feel I am wasting my twenties on him, but this isn't how I feel. I don't see this as a waste of my time. I haven't put my life on hold too much, I have not stopped going out with my friends and doing things, in fact I am doing new things that I haven't done before. I just miss my h hugely and am suffering by having to play this waiting game which is frankly hard enough anyway without feeling pressured to 'move on with my life' as they seem to put it.
Does anyone have any tips about how to answer people? I am starting to resent people that are only trying to show me kindness and I don't want to alienate people.
I have got a mix of responses like that from friends and family alike. The way I typically answer it is, I am not giving up hope on my marriage. I appreciate your concern and at the end of the day I amy be made to look like a fool, but at least I will know I did everythgn within my means to make my marriage work.
Of course my circumstances are a lot different (I almost 40 and have two kids). You will typically find that your friends just want to see you suffer as short a time as possible. They mean well, but it is your life and decision.
The fact that you are not letting it keep you from having a good time is great....that is what DB is all about
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I really need some urgent advice. I received a text back tonight from my H and it said:
'Hi, I'm ok, very busy at work. Are you ok? Sorry for being so quiet, I'm just not really sure what to do. What do we do now, with the house and everything?'
First of all I am gutted. Second of all, I didn't want this why should I have to take the lead. Thirdly, although we have been separated for 8 months it has only been 3 weeks since he told me he couldn't carry on and 4 weeks since I found out about this potential ea.
It's so frustrating that he will only communicate by text. Please, does anyone have any advice for me to consider for my next move?
