I am soooo excited! I got a copy of DR! I had a little bit of cash last weekend and set out to find it in stores around here with no luck. I ordered it on Amazon but my card was declined. I have been so frustrated because I really want to read it. So I decided that God was trying to help me save the little bit of money I had and would provide it some other way.
Well, I went to lunch at a new friend's house who had been on the brink of divorce a couple of years ago. She hands me this book that she said she knew would help me a lot. When I saw what it was, I got goosebumps and started crying. Then she hands me, "For Women Only". I couldn't believe it!
I started reading FWO and was blown away by the chapter on "Your Love Isn't Enough" about respect being of utmost importance to guys. It was like light bulbs were going off in my head. Massive conviction about things I had done wrong. Things that I really didn't have a clue how damaging they were. The part where she writes that most men would choose feeling unloved and alone over feeling disrespected and inadequate really got me. Just about everything she said in that chapter about what women do, wittingly or unwittingly, to make their guys feel inadequate and/or disrespected....I did it. I felt such a knot in my throat and queasiness in my stomach. It made me cry.
Then the part about respect being a choice like love is a choice really got to me. We need them to show love to us even when we are unlovable....well, they need for us to show respect towards them even when they haven't really earned it. All kinds of things started popping in my head of ways over the years that I showed disrespect to my husband and I didn't even realize I was doing it.
I immediately wanted to call him and tell him I was sorry. Then I thought again. I am pretty good with words but I have to remember that actions speak louder than words. I could just spring up with all of these great realizations and promises based on how I'm feeling at this moment but down the road, what if he ticks me off again, will I resort to the old tactics? I don't think I will but he is in a place right now where he wouldn't trust it. He made a comment last week that I'm doing everything to try to rekindle things because I am afraid of being on my own. I know that is not true but that is how he sees it. And now that I think about it, I can understand why he thinks that. While we were together, too often my attitudes, behaviors and often my words showed that I didn't think he had what it took. I criticized him too much (although I thought I was "helping" him or "keeping it real" ). I took the reins too much (an "occupational hazard" of a military wife who's often left behind to hold down the fort, I'm sure. lol) I was impatient and wanted things done in my time frame. Too often, the bottom line or the destination meant more to me than my husband's feelings.
I really hope I get to take a "mulligan" (a golf term for a do-over). But like my friend said today, I can only control me. Whether we reconcile or not, I NEED to change these things about myself for current and future relationships (with my kids, friends, a future mate if it comes to that, etc.). What my H decides to do is on him. I can't control that. I can only be the best me that I can be. That's where my success will be.
