OK. I really think the problem is the lack of a sex life. Yes, I'm sure you are scared, and I suspect he is too. But you say over and over that you love this man (your husband). So I think it is the distance, the physical distance that has grown between you that you can't bridge. He may have reservations too. I've known of men who were turned off by the idea that thir wives had been with someone else. And after that, they just couldn't get themselves to initiate the sex.
My H and I have never gotten that far apart. Even when we were not happy together, we kept up our sex life. However, when he was planning to leave me and was in love with OW, I had a lot of trouble getting him hard. I had to really work at it. He kept saying "just give up", but I wouldn't. I felt like a snake charmer trying to get the snake to rise from its coil. So then I was really determined. In the 30 years I had known my husband, he always would point to me from across the room. But for a few days there, it was really depressing. I wouldn't leave him alone. I was grabbing him and rubbing him all the time. (He's not allowed to hide my favorite toy.)
But going back to what works for us. First, quiet time alone, no children to interrupt. Then a glass of wine or a favorite mixed drink. I like a cosmopolitan. Then one of us will say, "Would you rub my back?" or, "let's do massages." Having a body cream or oil near the bed is good to make the massage feel smoother. If we've grown distant I'll massage him first -- his back, legs and arms, and then he turns over and I do the front. Then it is his turn. Usually when he turns me from massaging my back to my front, he finds a new way of massaging me, and before I know it nature takes over and it's sex.
Remember, the mind is the biggest aphrodisiac. So you need to think of your husband as sexy. You have to take those thoughts of yours and assign them to him. And then get him feeling sexy too. Rub up against him, grab him a little bit, tease him. It's fun. Don't think serious. Think play.
