Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[cw68]

So, in the vein of "pressure" (so anti-db, I know) when I asked H yesterday if he could watch the kids while I attended a meeting from 7-8 tonight, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie afterwards. He answered maybe. So this afternoon I called him to see if he was going to because if he was, I'd pick up a movie and if not, would he stay late so I could work out afterwards? He said that he didn't want to watch a movie, but that he'd stick around for a while.

After my meeting ended, I was thinking, "What the heck? What are we going to talk about? This is kind of weird, this planning on hanging out thing!" and I wondered what to do, what we would do. To give it a little something to start with, and something that I would have done while dating, I stopped and picked up some ice cream for us. We chatted for 45 minutes or so. Yes, I did most of the talking, but that is normal. It was a little stilted, but nothing extremely odd, especially considering this was the first time in months that he's stayed just to hang out with me. I wanted to be the one who ended it, so at one point I just said thanks for hanging out with me. He got the hint and left. I thanked him for staying and said, "See, that wasn't that painful. I don't bite." We both smiled.

Only one uncomfortable semi-R thang and that was when we started talking about summer plans. I asked if he had seen the holiday custody schedule form thingie and he said that he had. I asked him how he could do that, fill in the next two year's worth of holidays, plan their time like that. That I was dying here. Then said, "Not that you've chosen that yet exactly." and he responded, "I just do what I have to do. Take one day at a time." I let it go, but wanted to say, "Dude, that hasn't exactly worked you know!!"

All in all, good. Nothing earth shattering, but he's making moves and I need that from him. I still think he's not coming back, but any kind of trying will make me feel better in the big picture. I hope it continues.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a good baby step. (((cw)))

[cw68]

Yes, it is a baby step. But I know I'm forcing it. I'm not going to talk R or anything for two weeks, then take his temperature. If there's nothing going on, I'm completely dark. That will make it four weeks before Retro. That's my d-day.

And I've decided that I'm not going to file for a D, rather I'll file for a legal separation. Sticks with the "if he wants a divorce, he'll have to make that decision" yet allows me to set boundaries and let him feel the reality of the situation.

[cw68]

I think I'm falling into a little depressive state. I'm just not finding things "fun" like they used to be. I haven't had the energy to work out much and I'm falling behind in all those 180s I had done so consistently for months (better housekeeping, yard work, projects, exercise, etc.). It's not that I don't see the point of them anymore, because ultimately they were for me though I started to do them for our R, it's just that I don't have that fire under me anymore. I feel so resigned to the next phase of my life and I'm not very jazzed about it.

How do you turn feelings like these around?

[MichelleLT]

Time and patience with yourself. You are justifiably stressed out, frustrated, and disappointed.

Depends on the person, but I can't be alone when I get like that. Even just watching TV with my roommate boosts my PMA. I need people around at times like that, but I am a social person.

The other thing I cannot do is give up on working out. Even if it means plugging it into your calendar, scheduling it with a friend so it's harder to flake. Whatever it takes. The endorphin rush really does a lot for the PMA.

And hug your kids.

(((cw)))

[CBK]

Hey CW - I have no magic bullet, just empathy for your and your sitch. We think alike in many ways. What I can say is do what is right for you, even if it doesn't feel "right" at the time. You know your sitch better than anybody - bar none, ultimately, you will make the final decisions and you will know when to fight or go on to the next chapter. Take your time, there is nothing that says you have to make these decisions soon, you have time! I think you are going to Tahoe this weekend, enjoy yourself. If you need a place to escape with the kids for a weekend, let me know - I have plenty of room to just veg out and drink wine. Two big dogs that love kids.

CW - take care of yourself, do what is right for you - I don't need to tell you this as you have been doing this.

CBK

[cw68]

Thanks CBK. I have two kids who love big dogs!

It's a stressful time right now. H wants more time with the kids (which depresses me, tho. I must think of what's best for the kids themselves) and he's getting ticked off that I keep sending some of his stuff each time he picks up the kids. I feel like I'm doing what's right, but am so confused.

One of H's issues is that he feels no matter what he does, it's not enough for me. I think I'm living that very concern right now. He invited me to the A's game and I specifically said I would if it meant something, that I couldn't just keep on playing happy family. Then he stayed for a bit last night. Now I feel the burning need to go all dark on him. I'm angry and feel pushed to the side. Is this because nothing he does is enough for me? Or is it because I realize that I pushed him into these moves and that he's not really behind them? Or is it because he actually is making a move and it's just not enough for me?

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((cw))))))
I don't know the answer to your question! Maybe it is some of each? I think by going a bit dark, you might find out whether he is really moving, though. I kind of think your guess that you pushed him, rather than him taking the initiative might be true. Though at least his reactions were a little positive, which is a good thing, in any case.

I bet your depressive state is feeding into this too. I wish I could give some advice there. I'm struggling the same way. Tough I am finding that if I can make myself start something, I can enjoy it. So I am trying to do that more often.

[cw68]

Well, got the answer to my question. I'm dark. H said tonight that he doesn't want "to move forward with our marriage." So there we go. He said that I didn't push him into inviting me to the game, he chose it, but he just doesn't want it. He thinks we will be all fine in the end and that we couldn't have a healthy relationship together.

I have limited time left as I know that my H's deadline is when the lease is up on 7/31. Now he gets to see what it would be like. The alternative "as if" if you may. If absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder I'm no worse than where I am right now.

My poor kids.

[Sara]

I'm sorry, CW. But don't jump into anything. He waffles back and forth. When you back off he comes toward you. And when you spend time with him, he backs away. You could be involved in this dance for a long time.