I want to explain to him that I am going to have a lawyer write up some paperwork and if he agrees to the settlement then we will be divorced. He has no real idea this is coming and I want to let him know so that he can really think about what he is doing. Once I give that money to the lawyer, that will be it. At least in my mind there will be no turning back.
I can understand that, and you have gone through a lot. I do have a feeling that your H is maybe not expecting this or at least things to be resolved/ended like that in a month! And with some of the things he has said to you, I would probably feel the same way about wanting to give him a last chance (it sounds like you are saying?). I do think if he doesn't give up the OW, full disclosure and all that Puppy always talks about then that means your H is choosing OW over you for whatever reasons (& do they really matter)? But you have to decide what you would feel comfortable with ultimately since you have to live with this. It sounds like you aren't 100% convinced so maybe one more talk with your H telling him the consequences if he continues to choose OW? Where's Puppy? I wonder what his take on this is? Karen
Well I am sure that in a "typical" divorce you could do that. But my lawyer wants to try to make a settlement with my H. I will have to pay her a large amount of money for her to write up the paperwork. Once I check over the paperwork, H comes in and if he agrees to it and signs the papers, then in 14 days the divorce will be final and he will have to leave the house. So it will be pretty quick.
I want to explain to him that I am going to have a lawyer write up some paperwork and if he agrees to the settlement then we will be divorced. He has no real idea this is coming and I want to let him know so that he can really think about what he is doing. Once I give that money to the lawyer, that will be it. At least in my mind there will be no turning back.
That is very quick...wow. I think talking to him would be helpful, but don't give everything away. If he knows that the D will take the traditional route (longer) if he doesn't agree, then he might do that, just to buy himself some more time to waffle. This might just be the reality check that you H needs.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I want to explain to him that I am going to have a lawyer write up some paperwork and if he agrees to the settlement then we will be divorced. He has no real idea this is coming and I want to let him know so that he can really think about what he is doing. Once I give that money to the lawyer, that will be it. At least in my mind there will be no turning back.
I can understand that, and you have gone through a lot. I do have a feeling that your H is maybe not expecting this or at least things to be resolved/ended like that in a month! And with some of the things he has said to you, I would probably feel the same way about wanting to give him a last chance (it sounds like you are saying?). I do think if he doesn't give up the OW, full disclosure and all that Puppy always talks about then that means your H is choosing OW over you for whatever reasons (& do they really matter)? But you have to decide what you would feel comfortable with ultimately since you have to live with this. It sounds like you aren't 100% convinced so maybe one more talk with your H telling him the consequences if he continues to choose OW? Where's Puppy? I wonder what his take on this is? Karen
Hi, Sara,
I think you need to decide -- before talking to your husband -- calmly, what your conditions are for stopping your divorce action. What are the "dealbreakers"?? This removes the emotion from the moment, especially since he is likely to beg and plead and make all kinds of wild promises to you, just to get you to back off.
For me, it was:
- no contact -- forever -- with OM, communicated via a "no-contact" letter, approved (and mailed) by me;
- quit her job (they worked together) immediately;
- get a full-panel STD test
- agree to complete "transparency": new cellphone #, with detailed billing that comes to me; leave her cellphone out for me to see any time I wish; OK to GPS her car if need be (I never did).
Your list may be slightly different, but you need to have a plan when you talk to him as to what ACTIONS (not WORDS) from him are absolutely non-negotiable.
Oh, and I'd give him no more than 5 minutes to decide. (there's a reason for this)
Makes so much sense. What are your deal breakers, Sara?
Me, too!!! Thanks, Puppy! I knew you would post something like that!!! And I've learned from painful experience that Puppy knows what he's talking about!!! Karen
Hang in there, Sara. Know that we are here to support you and not to judge you. I'm concerned that you're worried about what some of us might think. We sincerely care about you and wish, more than anything, you weren't going through this.
(((((Sara)))))
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Sara, its 30 days here too, and bam, you're divorced. Very scary when its your next step. I think you are going about it the right way, taking your time and trying for a settlement first. You can be angry and hurt (justifiably so!) but just push that aside when talking D because it is truly a business deal. If he signs the settlement agreement, you walk away with a ton more. Do you think he would fight anything?
I wish I was so lucky. My L says once it is the "terms' are filed you are divorced, no waiting period. H would just have to wait 60 days to get remarried. One of my girlfriends thinks that is what he is planning though he denies it. Men!! kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I found this passage in the Bible today. Even if you don't follow the Bible, you have to agree this passage really hits home
Proverbs 6:32 But a man who commits adultry lacks judgement, whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Just dropping by to let you know you're supported. It's pretty scary to have such a short time after filing paperwork - I'm sorry you're facing that. I didn't realize how good it is that CA requires 6 months before finalizing a D. That waiting period at least gives some time to think things through or let go completely.
I'm not much for religion but that's a pretty good quote. There's a tremendous amount of wisdom to be found in the Bible.
Hope the MO summer hasn't gotten too hot yet. I remember growing up in KC - was like trying to breathe through a wet mitten sometimes!
And I've learned from painful experience that Puppy knows what he's talking about!!!