He's "done". Period.

[naya26]

7 Year Itch - I just read your sitch and there are so many similarities to how my W dropped the bomb on me and how I felt afterwards. The way you feel now reminds me vividly of how I felt a few months ago.

My sitch has changed slightly since my first days of discovering this wonderful forum. I have to admit DB'ing does creates changes...they may vary for people but it does bring about positive change.

Right now you are still angry. There's truth in your anger and you have every right to feel the way you do. However, you have to understand anger clouds your judgement and everything you do under a shroud of anger isn't going to represent the "best" you. It's likely you will do more harm than good if you act out of anger. You need to detach from your H...this is the quickiest way for you to let your anger run its course without adding more fuel to the fire.

Your husband sounds confused, just like my WAW did when she dropped the bomb on me. Don't believe anything he says and even less of what he does. He's not himself right now and may not be for quite some time. Keep in mind your H didn't just make up his mind with a knee-jerk decision. It most likely took months or years for his emotions and thoughts to evolve into the state they are currently in. Envision a huge emotional wall he's put up around him, which he built brick by brick. It took time for him to get to where he is now...and it will take time for each one of those bricks to crumble if that wall is going to come down.

He's threatened the big D...Ok, let him have that emotional bullet in the gun. He would have filed and set it in motion if his mind was 100% made up. He wouldn't have given you that book if he didn't still care about the M. I understand you are insulted that the book was more divorce-centric as opposed to marriage-saving, but you have to let it go. Look at it this way...he's likely grieving the death your of current M in his own way. He's trying to figure out how to move on. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean it's without you and your family. You will eventually discover you are not trying to restore your "old" marriage because that path eventually led you to where you are now...which is not a good place. DB'ing will teach you to focus on moving forward and we all hope that is towards a "new" marriage with your spouse. In a sense, that is what all of us are trying to do.

I can see it in your words that you feel violated, hurt, disposed, and wronged. I felt the same way and it fueled my resentment towards my W. I can see you feel like it was "easy" for your H to turn your life into something that was disposable. I can see that makes you angry. I've been there and I still struggle with that bundle of emotions. However, that resentment will only hamper your efforts to move forward. One of the most powerful statements I've read since I've been here is: "free yourself from the feeling of being wronged". I bet I said that a thousand times to myself before it settled in. I realized I was "hiding" behind my resentment and that wasn't allowing me to dedicated 110% of my heart, mind, and spirit to DB....and believe me, 110% is a requirement.

One more thing. You'll also realize DB'ing has almost doing to do with your H. It's all about you, which is 100% effective and what you need. Detach, do some 180s, and GAL. Keep your communication with your H brief, informal, and to the point. Do not get emotional, stop the letters, and focus on you. Keep an eye on your mental state and make sure you are not suffering from severe depression. Your rapid weight loss is an indicator of an unhealthy impact on your body from all this stress. Take good care of yourself because your mind cannot function well without your body, and right now you will need all your wits.

Would you be attracted to your H if he cried, begged, and pleaded all the time? Stop asking him questions about the M because he doesn't have the answers. You just push him farther away each time you bring it up. "If you wish to be loved; be lovable" it's almost as simple as that. You'll become a better person after you get through all of this...and YOU WILL get through this.