Hello this is my first posting. My wife of three years (been tgether for 12) Three kids one from my previous marriage told me she loves me but is no longer in love with me. She is having an affair that I know about but she still tries to keep it a secret from me. Says she does'nt want to hurt my feelings. We go to individual counseling right now, and she agrred to go to Retrouvaille with me in July,which is two whole months away. The question I have is there anyone here who attended Retrouvaille, with their spouse going through a mid-life crisis?
Please someone reply. I'm in so much pain right now it is almost unbearable. I have started to work on myself I have lost about 15 lbs in 3 weeks. been working out and things like that, the thing is I dont see any change at home. We still sleep in the same bed no sex for the past three months. Like we are living asd roommates mostly. The thing is I'm worried that Retrouvaille may push her further away since I hear it is an extremely pressure packed weekend. And also are their support groups to help couples with MLC? I need some answers I have bought almost every E-Book known to man and I'm not seeing any changes. May God Bless you all. I need some kind of direction right now as I feel like I'm dying inside because she is truly my best friend.
I know you are hurting and you are grasping at straws to find out what you can do to draw her back to you. You probably feel that there is something you can do to make that happen. Yes and no.
First, if you haven't done so already, pick up a copy of Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. You need to understand that we all have responsibility for the part we played in getting to where we are now.
Whether she is in a MLC or not, you need to understand that she is not in your control.
You will hear this often that you can only work on yourself and that is 100% accurate. When you get to the point where you realize you need to work on yourself regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will then be working on you for the right reasons.
And since you are mentioning Retrouvaille, you apparently believe that God can help you and your W. He can but you need to be genuine with Him and seek a sincere relationship with Him and not just to get your W back.
Do not push God into her face or you will only alienate her and not showing trust in God. She probably knows what she is doing is wrong but you pointing out things can only create a further rift between the two of you. What would God do? What would Jesus do? He would love her until she is ready to love Him back.
If she has agreed to go to Retrouvaille willingly, wonderful. Do not force expectations on her. Do not worry if it will push her away further. That may be God convicting her and she may not like it. Often, when a person is acting opposite of what God would have them do, there are extremely uncomfortable times followed by a crisis of faith.
This is God's battle. Not yours. God loves your W even more than you do and doesn't want to lose her. He knows what He is doing. Let God work on her and let Him work on you. Make real and permanent changes in yourself. She will see this over time.
Remember, your W is not your child and she has her own free will. If you hover over her, it will only drive her away. In my situation (which is not resolved), my W knows that I love her and I will always love her. She also knows that I am devoted to our family and am avoiding any knee jerk reaction that I would regret later in life.
There are a lot of good people on this site that will have great advice and can provide what worked or didnt work for them. Take it in. See if it pertains to your situation and, if you are a praying person, ask God to guide you.
You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Confusedinva, I dont have any experience with retrouvaille, but it has been highly recommended on this board by many.
I think if your spouse is willing to go, then take advantage of it and go with out having too many expectations. Just my opinion.
There have been many times that I have read through others posts on here in the MLC forum and seen many couples that have gone to it and it mostly helps with communication. Some can be found in the MLC success cases at the top of the board. Maybe look their for some others advise.
I feel for you and my Heart goes out to you. MLC is tough whether your going through it or watching your most loved one in the world go through it. Keep your hopes up, and be very patient. Read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy for your best chances of getting through this.
My H has been in MLC for about 3 & 1/2 to 4 years now and he is only 29. He has just returned to me to try and work on our marriage for the 3rd try (4th, if you count our origonal M). It seems he may be having an awakening and slowly exiting the tunnel he has been in for so long. We were legally seperated and living apart for over a year and I wont lie to you - it was the hardest most depressing time in my Life. I pray that my H and I can make it work this time, so I am still divorce busting for the best results.
Your in my Thoughts. Also maybe try calling retrouvaille to see what they say about a WAS who is in MLC and having an A (whether or not they think it would be worth it or not). Good Luck!!! TIPPER
Thank you very much, I'm trying to find the success stories about retrouvaille and MLC. I appreciate it this is the begginning for me. I do believe though that she ha sbeen going through this situation for the last year, so I figure I have two to three more years to wait it out. I love her no questions about it, so if I have to wait this out I will. I love my kds and do not want to devistate their lives at all. I have to stay strong and I will be praying I will be giving you guys updates as the days go by. I'm hoping I will be posting my success story soon.
Confused, remember to give it to God. Don't "confuse" (sorry I had to say that) that with being passive. Being a Christian is anything but passive but is perceived that way because most people believe if we do not "act", we are letting things happen to us.
Scripture supports that we pray, wait for God to give us direction and then we are bound by our faith to follow His direction. If you believe He wants you to take care of your family and your love for your W is the agape type love, then don't let any person influence you away from what God directs you to do.
Your kids can learn a lot about what it means to be a man who puts his family first. They will never forget that.
Tell us about your family. How old are your kids?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Welcome to divorcebusting.com! You have been given some GREAT advice by mmf and Tipper. They are wonderful DBers.
Retrouvaille is a marriage saver for many, and it seals the deal for divorce for some...especially if they were thinking this was their last shot. It isn't, it's just a tool, and can be a great tool.
Some of those ebooks give very bad advice mixed in with good advice, so you think it's ok.
Divorce Remedy is DivorceBusting upgrade, with chapters on Infidelity and MLC. The MLC chapter is here on this forum (at the top).
The MLC community on this forum is probably the most supportive on the board. It's a very loving group and some of these folks have been DBing for quite awhile now. That said...while you stay here for support, I don't want you to ASSUME your life is an MLCer even though you see all the signs and someone here may tell you it's just like their wife, etc. Thinking she may have an MLC is best used to help you understand your wife MAY be going through, but it won't help you find a lot of solutions.
So, in that light, I'd like to see you start with some solution detecting.
Besides telling us a bit about your family, also tell us what your wife's complaints have been about you/your marriage, and what you were doing when things were good.
Hang in there, we'll support you, pray for you, and help brainstorm solutions. sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Well my oldest boy he is a teenager he is 17 but all of issues are also a problem with my marriage. Just today I got a call from his school saying he cussed out the principle and he is of course suspended. This should go over real well with my wife at home, who struggles to even look at him on a daily basis because of the problems he has caused. My Daughter she is 8 an a** kicker in school with her academics. She reads and draws and I just love being around her. She is polite and listens to everything we tell her. I also found out just as of yesterday she likes to tell alot of jokes. She told me jokes the whole time I cooked in the kitchen yesterday. And finally my little man who is going on 3 is just a comedian, he is smart and savy already and I love them to death. It is just that I can sort of see my daughter is starting to catch on what is going on at home and her demeanor is changing, so I have to put on an even stronger face of happy to manipulate her into thinking everything is ok. Me I pray like 5 times a day seriously, me and my wife get along great, it is just we have drifted apart over the years because we have put our marriage on the back burner for so long she feels im no longer interested in her. And thats the furthest thing from the truth.
Well this sort of all started last year, she is form El Paso Texas and I'm from the DC area. I met her right after my first wife left me. My first wife got pregant by another man while I was deployed in the Army. So after going throuhg all of that, I met her 12 years ago. And the thing was she let me open myself up to her, she saw a side of me that nobody has ever seen. I cried, I was angry, and I was just plain confused. And the thing was she just keep calling me asking me how I was feeling and how my day was going, I mean she called me everyday. We were friends for almost a whole year before we got serious.
