Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

I understand MLC is a journey of years, not months.

I understand it takes twists and turns and it totally out of the LBS control. After 'watching' and living with my WAH in MLC...I am happy to be OFF the roller coaster.

It took me a year of 3 steps foward and 1 step back to detach, GAL, and not take everything personally.

(That was the first he while he lived down the road in a little brick house)

This last year, the second, my life, and detachment has been more like 5 months forward and 1 month backward. My 3 kids (S13;S10 ;D8) and I go for months without any word from H. Then something comes up like soccer season and he starts showing up to watch the games. It seems he is more settled, it seems he misses us, he invites us to lunch or dinner after the games, or just comes over to hang out.

I start to let him 'in' a little each week and offer times like hanging out at the house for the boys sleepover nights. So that he can ease back into being a family.

Well...that goes smooth until soccer season ends, or he just doesn't show up for whatever reason, and I question his 'intentions'.

I find I let him into our lives, only to find out that he just wants to float in and out whenever he feels like it and NO WAY was he intending to move back!! He turns back into the ugly selfish person.

So....I stood up and said you can't come and go as you please. I have been left with all parenting duties...and I mean ALL. I have been left with all the upkeep etc around our house and 1 1/2 acres. I can't help but resent, after 2 years, that I am the only one raising the kids, and he wants me to go with his 'flow'.....

Anyway, when I say I'm not going to do that, I'm not going to let him come and go, not be accountable, not be a parent, fib about.....anything.

He gets mad and disappears. We have not heard from him for almost two weeks, but then again, 9 weeks have gone by without hearing from him. My friend drives by his place occasionally; it's hard to avoid his place as he lives on one of the busiest commuter corners in our county. (But, I manage to avoid that corner very well!) My friend says, it appears no one is there and that a questionable friend that latched onto my H as soon as he moved over there, has had his van there a lot.

I don't intend to get into anything about that friend...just need to know what MLC is like after it's been in full swing for 2=3 years.

In the beginning my H was excited about having is own place for the first time in his life. He was excited to be taking care of himself...by himself. He didn't want anyone, especially me, doing anything for him. He lavished in his independence.

Depression definately led up to his departure from our home and family. Then the 'high' of all the newness/and 'low' of reality was a roller coaster we all were on with him throughout the first year.

This last year, he seems more depressed than ever, he disappears, I think he numbs his thoughts with alcohol...his family is sure he does that. He is crabby, he is irresponsible, etc.

It seems things have gotten worse. I hear about 'hitting rock bottom'. Is that inevitable? Is that necessary? Do things get worse before they get better with MLC?