Preface I spent several months following D-day and in the subsequent separation still trying to carry out what had been my regular household duties in a house I was no longer living in. This included cleaning, yard work, repairs, etc. I saw this as my duty and just part of the territory as a homeowner since I am still at least half owner of the marital residence -- and I had originally volunteered to move out to allow my S's to continue to live there with their mother (since W was hellbent on making sure we no longer lived under the same roof anymore.)
Did I get any thanks for this work? No, but then I never received any acknowledgment from W or MIL or anyone else before the bomb either. What have I gotten? Just scorn -- W complained I was doing this merely to "shame" her, and she also claimed that I was "crowding" her, preventing her from achieving the "space" she demanded from me.
Is it any wonder I eventually stopped?
Likewise, I bought paint and supplies this past Fall to repaint the kitchen, because we were going to have to sell this house some day -- but she and her mother never wanted me to actually come around to actually do the work. They told me they would handle the stripping of the old wallpaper off the walls, then I could come in to handle the painting. And W also wanted to hire a sheet-rock person to fix and patch the walls and celiling, so I had to wait on that too. Eventually W hired a contractor (without consulting with me first) to handle the entire job, including providing the paint and supplies (wasting my original investment in materials).
<journaling> Well, on Sunday I picked up our S's for the Memorial Day observance (so W could work the holiday, or so she claims.) In our garage she started talking to me about all the work it has taken to get our house ready to sell. She was relating all the difficulties in taking care of the lawn and the garden. I turned to her and asked her whether she needed any help. W gave me a nasty retort, saying "No, not if you're going to throw a fit like you did the last time I asked you to help clean up the house. All I asked you to do was to get some of your useless junk out of here. And you decided to get angry and slam doors."
(That exchange she referred to came about on a Sunday back in January. As described here . I later apologized for getting angry, but she has held this over me ever since.)
So, because that was a very slanted mischaracterization of what actually happened, I said nothing to W when she brought this back up and proceeded to continue to load up my S's and to leave -- I was not going to give any credence to W's words by responding to them.
But then W sent me an email before I even got back to my apartment:
Quote:
I can't believe the exchange we just had. I've been striving to get the house ready to sell in addition to the basic chores that have to be done every day while making sure the kids get the attention from me they need & plenty of playtime. I've been doing a great job. S7 has been having great days like Friday was. S3 is potty-trained. The yard looks beautiful. The house is freshly painted inside & well-maintained outside because I made sure the wood trim has been painted when it started to peel & I have Trugreen keeping the grass going despite a severe drought. Yet not one word is mentioned about how nice the yard looks. Not one VOLUNTARY word about helping with mowing or coming on the weekend you have the kids to get rid of your obsolete stuff you haven't missed in almost a year. I mentioned how hard it is getting the house ready to sell all by myself & you say "You need some help?" I look at you in disbelief & can't help but think of the once I asked you to move your 2 extra computers & desks & how you threw a HUGE scary tantrum slamming doors & saying mean things to me & my Mom. No I WILL NOT ask you for help again. You have said yourself we needed to have downsized & sold this house, so selling the house is not anything I'm doing to hurt you. It needs done, & I'm doing it.
<commentary> I don't know how to respond, if at all, to this person. There is one thing however, a question that immediately springs to mind, "Why are you still not happy?"
W has gotten her space, her precious freedom. I am letting her stand on her own. I am shouldering a lot of additional burdens so she can now get to play the single life with her (not-so) secret boyfriend. I have dropped the rope and am focusing on myself and my sons instead. And yet she still acts like I am the cause of the misery in her life even now. If/When she gets her greatly desired D, what then will she have to blame on me? Will she continue to make me the scapegoat for all her displeasure with life, even when she will have succeeded in removing me (almost) entirely? There will still be the children between us, but if she thinks she can make herself happy by removing me from their lives (even if I were to allow it) then she is sadly mistaken.
Nothing satisfies her.
I am asking myself now, why should I suffer such foolishness? Do I really want to be married to someone who has proven so selfish, shallow and prone to a severe lack of moral judgement? Maybe, for my sons' sake I should -- but, then, are my sons really worth enduring this person she has become? Well, they are worth it, certainly, even if she proves not be, but how long could I possibly hold up in such an insane situation? How long before depression would ensue yet again and I end up having a complete nervous breakdown?
