Went to San Francisco last night for a nice dinner with a female friend. It felt good to spend the whole evening in a fancy restaurant enjoying wonderful food and good conversation.
We of course talked about W. My friend has been pretty ruthless since the whole thing started and she's right. My W hasn't been a nice person. Friend said she'd called W at one point (they're friends too) and told W she was losing me. W asked what she should do and friend said to agree to do something with me - go on a long walk or agree to an activity. W never did and friend said that's when she lost complete respect for W.
And during the conversation, I realized that I have less and less blame within me for W. She's on her own journey and I just happened to get caught up in it for awhile. But my values are different than hers, so we move on, going on different paths. And I'm okay with that. Not sure how we stayed together for 12 years - was it an actual connection or an unwillingness to face the facts? Not sure anymore, not sure it matters either.
So, I'm learning to forgive and accept - the next step in all of this, I guess. Being willing to trust again, though, is going to be tough. Really tough.
